161 replies to this topic

[luckypierre]

Renton, on Jan 12 2006, 12:12 PM, said:

manc-mag, on Jan 12 2006, 12:08 PM, said:

manc-mag, on Jan 12 2006, 01:05 PM, said:

k4t0, on Jan 12 2006, 12:59 PM, said:

Lasses also claim not to look at the paper before they flush, dirty fuckers. How do they know there arse is clean?

That should be an interview question I think.

"do you look at the paper after wiping your arse?"

No.

"get out of my office you scruffy fuck"









Does anyone else put paper down to prevent splashback aswell, or is it just me?  I hate the cold water on the ring, causes me to tense up and commence a restraining program to lure the shit back to the light.

I've been known to lay a few sheets on the seat in certain toilets.

Meaning sheets of toilet paper. I wasn't some pervert typing in a Mexican accent just then.

As for paper usage, it just depends, doesn't it - bollocks to this three wipes rule. Recently though for some reason I've been having a lot of paper savers, which is nice.

the shit where you wipe and the bog roll is clean is a thing of beauty tbh.. though if your settling yourself down for a big session and are prepared with a paper/magazine etc it can be disappointing.

recently Ive had what can only be describe as explosive shits. They sneak up on you and the first warning is a huge stomach cramp then its a mad rush to the nearest bog. Its then three rolls rather than three sheets, its solid like,  no sign of weebum. Cant decide whether its the 6 pints of Staropramen or the foot long subway afterwards thats the cause..

[to dumb]

k4t0, on Jan 12 2006, 12:59 PM, said:

Does anyone else put paper down to prevent splashback aswell, or is it just me?  I hate the cold water on the ring, causes me to tense up and commence a restraining program to lure the shit back to the light.

I thought I was the only one!  

Get yourself to a psychiatrist, sharpish.

[Smooth Operator]

k4t0, on Jan 12 2006, 11:59 AM, said:

Does anyone else put paper down to prevent splashback aswell, or is it just me?  I hate the cold water on the ring, causes me to tense up and commence a restraining program to lure the shit back to the light.

Aye I load the bog at work to prevent a wet rear and I also cover the seat of the bog with paper! I may as well bring my toilet duck in tbh.

[k4t0]

I hate having an explosive shit style turd while out in public, you have to go, you dont have a choice.

Its like russian roulette with your arse "is that a fart?"

Anyway, In those situations I tend to hover over the shitter lid, on one leg sometimes, the other one on the door if the fucking locks missing.

I find 3 inches is the ideal height to release, thus preventing a huge splash of dirty public shitter water on your arse and legs.

[Smooth Operator]

I used to play football with a kid who had the misfortune of uncontrolably following through! We were on a night out in the Bigg Market and he was at the bar, tried to fart and filled his pants! He ran out the bar and into the underground toilet thing adjacent to High Bridge Street, where he tried to clean himself up, he chucked his Calvins away and did the best clean up job he could manage but it wasn't enough, so then he tried to get a taxi, obviously he didn't want to wait in a queue in his state and even then a taxi driver wouldn't have let him get in with shit all over his jeans! So he started on the long walk back to Newburn!

[Ted Maul]

Smooth Operator, on Jan 12 2006, 02:06 PM, said:

I used to play football with a kid who had the misfortune of uncontrolably following through! We were on a night out in the Bigg Market and he was at the bar, tried to fart and filled his pants! He ran out the bar and into the underground toilet thing adjacent to High Bridge Street, where he tried to clean himself up, he chucked his Calvins away and did the best clean up job he could manage but it wasn't enough, so then he tried to get a taxi, obviously he didn't want to wait in a queue in his state and even then a taxi driver wouldn't have let him get in with shit all over his jeans! So he started on the long walk back to Newburn!

Mark should never have had that sixth WKD, tbh

[sweetleftpeg]

I went to an away game (ubersoopafantastic tbh) and got canny pissed. Not as pissed as my mate though, who got fucked on the train and shit himself. I had to get him home and somehow managed to clean him up (not pretty, will haunt me till the day I die) in the Central Station bogs and persuade a taxi driver to take us home from town. I spent the journey home pretending to fart in an attempt to convince him I had very bad wind which is why the cab smelt of shit. Thinking back, that bastid owes me one.

[k4t0]

Got fucked on the train????

[MrBass]

sweetleftpeg, on Jan 12 2006, 03:18 PM, said:

I went to an away game (ubersoopafantastic tbh) and got canny pissed. Not as pissed as my mate though, who got fucked on the train and shit himself. I had to get him home and somehow managed to clean him up (not pretty, will haunt me till the day I die) in the Central Station bogs and persuade a taxi driver to take us home from town. I spent the journey home pretending to fart in an attempt to convince him I had very bad wind which is why the cab smelt of shit. Thinking back, that bastid owes me one.

Lucky bastid!

[sweetleftpeg]

It was a colloquialism you pedantic twats.  

[to dumb]

sweetleftpeg, on Jan 12 2006, 03:18 PM, said:

I went to an away game (ubersoopafantastic tbh) and got canny pissed. Not as pissed as my mate though, who got fucked on the train and shit himself. I had to get him home and somehow managed to clean him up (not pretty, will haunt me till the day I die) in the Central Station bogs and persuade a taxi driver to take us home from town. I spent the journey home pretending to fart in an attempt to convince him I had very bad wind which is why the cab smelt of shit. Thinking back, that bastid owes me one.

You're way too fucking nice, I probably would have pissed on him and left him there!

[k4t0]

Ive raced motocross bikes in my time, I remember one time when I was practising and felt the urge to crimp off a length, I had just past the pit lane so had to do one lap tensed up.

I aproached a jump had to let loose of the grip I had on my shite, the head popped out as I left the jump and i caught it with a swift clench of the cheeks in mid air, Irelaxed again upon landing, had a tankslapper and whacked my arse off the seat, which had the lovely effect of smashing the turd back up my shitter.

Not pleasant, but it took a while before thta shite came back for seconds, I think i must have concussed it

[snakehips]

sweetleftpeg, on Jan 12 2006, 02:23 PM, said:

It was a colloquialism you pedantic twats. 

It's a long,sore, recuperation period following one of those, I believe.

[snakehips]

k4t0, on Jan 12 2006, 02:26 PM, said:

Ive raced motocross bikes in my time, I remember one time when I was practising and felt the urge to crimp off a length, I had just past the pit lane so had to do one lap tensed up.

I aproached a jump had to let loose of the grip I had on my shite, the head popped out as I left the jump and i caught it with a swift clench of the cheeks in mid air, Irelaxed again upon landing, had a tankslapper and whacked my arse off the seat, which had the lovely effect of smashing the turd back up my shitter.

Not pleasant, but it took a while before thta shite came back for seconds, I think i must have concussed it

    

[sweetleftpeg]

k4t0, on Jan 12 2006, 03:26 PM, said:

Ive raced motocross bikes in my time, I remember one time when I was practising and felt the urge to crimp off a length, I had just past the pit lane so had to do one lap tensed up.

I aproached a jump had to let loose of the grip I had on my shite, the head popped out as I left the jump and i caught it with a swift clench of the cheeks in mid air, Irelaxed again upon landing, had a tankslapper and whacked my arse off the seat, which had the lovely effect of smashing the turd back up my shitter.

Not pleasant, but it took a while before thta shite came back for seconds, I think i must have concussed it

Edited by sweetleftpeg, 12 January 2006 - 02:31 PM.

[Ted Maul]

I'm well and truely shocked at these poo stories. I doubt i'll be able to look down at Brown Icke Jr. ever again.

[snakehips]

David Icke - Son of God, on Jan 12 2006, 02:33 PM, said:

I'm well and truely shocked at these poo stories. I doubt i'll be able to look down at Brown Icke Jr. ever again.

     'Brown Icke Jr'     

[Renton]

sweetleftpeg, on Jan 12 2006, 02:18 PM, said:

I went to an away game (ubersoopafantastic tbh) and got canny pissed. Not as pissed as my mate though, who got fucked on the train and shit himself. I had to get him home and somehow managed to clean him up (not pretty, will haunt me till the day I die) in the Central Station bogs and persuade a taxi driver to take us home from town. I spent the journey home pretending to fart in an attempt to convince him I had very bad wind which is why the cab smelt of shit. Thinking back, that bastid owes me one.

He must be one hell of a friend. Reminds me of a time I was at a party and a girl was so pissed she threw up on herself, and then shat herself. Her friend cleared her up and got her to bed, the next morning nothing was mentioned - no-one knows if she remembered or not.

You can imagine having crippling flashbacks to that incidence for the rest of your life.  

[Ted Maul]

snakehips, on Jan 12 2006, 02:34 PM, said:

David Icke - Son of God, on Jan 12 2006, 02:33 PM, said:

I'm well and truely shocked at these poo stories. I doubt i'll be able to look down at Brown Icke Jr. ever again.

     'Brown Icke Jr'     

I could possibly do anything other than personify him. I mean the shit of the son of God isn't just any old turd is it? It's different from the other brown babies.

[k4t0]

Heres another great one...

Pissed one night me and my mate went back to my house to continue drinking and meet some laydees.

Outside of my house he would only go and notice the car of the bloke that sacked him 3 months previously!

Anyway, needing a turd he decided it would be clever to remove a hubcap from the car and lay a footlong in it, great idea I thought, off you pop, I'll be in the flat.

So I woke the next morning to see the biggest trail of mashed shit going up the road I have ever seen in my life, nowt cuts like a hubcap spinning at speed.

His car must have stank!