Glasgow Mag

I think we could do a lot worse than Mark McGhee. Doing wonders with Motherwell this season.

You don't know how hard it's been for me man. Absoloutley loathe the odious twat. Welcome back to the fold HF. The world just seemed off kilter with your "support" for the fucking twat. Looks like we're thinking of replacing one with an alleged other. Some of @Arry's signings for Pompey have been top class - Campbell, Muntari, Utaka to name a few. But He's never managed at the top level. He does produce teams that are easy on the eye. I wouldn't be too disappointed to see him in charge, but I think that I would rather see a few police investigations put to bed before giving him the job.

I'm not looking for a big argument on this matter, all I will say is that Cerebral Palsy at its worst can be a devestating thing to affect an induvidual and their families, and it's not something to make fun of. It's not acceptable, and never has been, to laugh at the expense of those with Down's Syndrome or Autism, so why is it okay to take the mick out of Cerebral Palsy?

What a spastic. Come on, that phrase being used as an unsult is totally unacceptable. Always has been too, not just modern day political correctness.

Just thinking with Beye, Faye, Geremi and Martins going away for the ANC, do we still pay their wages for the 4 weeks (minimum in some cases) that they are away? I'm thinking that this could easily add up to about £1 million in wages paid for these four being away. What generally happens during the World Cup?European Championship, when there are no club games that the players are missing? Also, do you think Joey Barton has been picking up his £40K for the last 2 weeks while he has been in the slammer?

Dysmorphic, condescending wee scumbag.

Frog-eyed prepostorous little keich.

Girls called Donna and Chantelle tend to be NEDs/Charvas.

Warren Barton is far too old to get a game for us now. Any talk of signing him up again smacks of desperation. Although he'd probably give Stephen Carr a run for his money...

Ok Shearer is probably the most prominent ex Mag pundit at the moment, but who else do you like and respect the opinions of? Me - Gavin Peacock seems to have some insight, although doesn't seem to link himself to NUFC - more of a Chelsea expert. I'm not so keen on Warren Barton, with his flashy pinstripe suits and bleached teeth - but really he's all show and little to no substance.

Do you make any generalisations or have any preconceptions? One of ine is that whenever I see this particular car, I assume the driver is a jumped-up, agressive little prick: I think it's just from experience of being tail-gated, more often than not it seems to be a driver of a blue Subaru Impreza that is behind me.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/page/item/b00...on_pid=b008lz9w Thanks a bunch for that. Just watched it. Do all the channels provide this service? How long do the programes stay available to watch? Cheers.

I'm going for Margaret Thatcher - hope she can hold on another 3 days.

I missed the Christmas special on 27th December. Don't have Sky Plus so wasn't able to record it. Does anyone know of a way that I can see it? I know that they put the las series online on the BBC website but they don't seem to have them available to see now. Will I have to wait for the DVD?

I'd like to share with you an advanced technique that I have mastered in recent times. In order to save on the quantity of paper: Hold paper with thumb, index and middle fingers of preferred hand, screwed up into a ball. Push up to ringpiece with index finger in a front-to-back motion, withdraw then turn the hand/paper slightly, and push back up to the ringpiece in a limited and modified back-to-front motion. Two wipes for the price of one bit of paper. You have to be skilled and experienced enough to avoid smearing the soiled paper onto your arsecheeks during the second motion. Anyone else use this technique? It's very useful when you are reaching the end of the toilet paper, and another one is not nearby.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/europe/7146949.stm Should have gone after last season's Champions League victory in my opinion, as he has become increasingly a bit-part player for Milan in recent times. Still one of the best players ever to have graced a football pitch, I started following football in 1990 but I hear him being talked of as a great player for about 5 years before that as he started young. Can't think of that many other players to have had such a prolonged career at the top level. Ryan Giggs is one of them, Teddy Sherringham too.

It's no way to live your life if you're not prepared to take even the slightest risk. I bet you used to insist your mum put a spare pare of underpants in your school bag - "just in case of a little accident..."

If you look at my list, I have put 2 (3)'s by mistake. However, I might have one or two extra secrets.

Don't go stealing my guide and publishing it as your own! What do you think - can you imagine 'Glasgow Mag's 6-step illustrated guide to having a shite' being in the shops for next Christmas?

I remember him being really good going forward, while still defensively solid. Check out his range of facial expressions in this video - in particular when being asked questions. Where did he make his money, I wonder, and why didn't he try to buy us in the summer? http://www.bbc.co.uk/mediaselector/check/p...m=1&bbram=1

Listen, rarely am I lucky enough to draw an ace. I'm talking about one in a hundred dumps here. On the vast majority of occasions, I wipe my arse. But if my arse cheeks are well enough parted, and the jobby is short enough and smooth enough, and passes quickly enough, and I am confident enough that I would draw an ace were I to attempt wiping, then I will not bother. In my defence, I have never in my recollection had skid-marks on my boxers afterwards having ommited wiping. And I don't have C. diff, nor would I say that I am at particularly high risk of getting it, since I rarely take antibiotics and am meticulous in my hand-washing technique. You can wash your hands all you like but you've still got turds slipping out the bottom of your trousers. But I don't get skidmarks so what makes you think I have turds slipping out the bottom of my trousers?!

Listen, rarely am I lucky enough to draw an ace. I'm talking about one in a hundred dumps here. On the vast majority of occasions, I wipe my arse. But if my arse cheeks are well enough parted, and the jobby is short enough and smooth enough, and passes quickly enough, and I am confident enough that I would draw an ace were I to attempt wiping, then I will not bother. In my defence, I have never in my recollection had skid-marks on my boxers afterwards having ommited wiping. And I don't have C. diff, nor would I say that I am at particularly high risk of getting it, since I rarely take antibiotics and am meticulous in my hand-washing technique.

Sometimes an inbuilt mechanism tells me that I have drawn an ace, and I don't even wipe it once because I can tell straignt away that the shite hasn't touched the ringpiece. I do, however, need to cast a quick glance at the jobby in question before pulling up my boxers. They are usually long and thin with a smooth appearance. Personally I sit down for wiping. The way I do it is: (1) Sit own in middle of seat. (2) Dump my load. (3) Glance into the pan to estimate size, shape, obvious contents, colour/shade, consistency, texture and bouyancy of the faecal matter, and also look for obvious evidence of skid-marks. (3) Shuffle forward on the seat to allow room for my right hand (holding the toilet paper - between 5 and 7 sheets depending on estimated need). (4) Rock myself forward by abut 60 degrees, WITHOUT losing contact between my legs/arse and the seat, to prevent my hand dipping into the shit-hole. (5) Wipe between 4 and 6 times, depending on what is there. Look at the paper after every second wipe. Always, always front-to-back to minimise the risk of ascending urinary sepsis. Not only do you sit down to wipe, you sometimes don't even wipe your arse at all. Aren't you a doctor? No wonder the life expectancy in Glasgow is shit. By standing up to wipe, I feel that you are increasing the chances of minute shite particles being spread to the bathroom floor. I think that the infection risk is minimalised by keeping the shite, as much as possible, within the toilet. Experience has taught me when to know that I have drawn an ace. For the first hundred or so, I had the feeling of having drawn an ace, but performed a safety wipe to make sure. Now, I have realised that this is a waste of time and involves needlessly putting my (paper-filled) hand close to my arse. I always, always wash my hands thouroghly after defecation. I feel that the below-average life expectancy in these parts is less due to arse-wiping, or lack of it, and more down to the following:

Sometimes an inbuilt mechanism tells me that I have drawn an ace, and I don't even wipe it once because I can tell straignt away that the shite hasn't touched the ringpiece. I do, however, need to cast a quick glance at the jobby in question before pulling up my boxers. They are usually long and thin with a smooth appearance. Personally I sit down for wiping. The way I do it is: (1) Sit own in middle of seat. (2) Dump my load. (3) Glance into the pan to estimate size, shape, obvious contents, colour/shade, consistency, texture and bouyancy of the faecal matter, and also look for obvious evidence of skid-marks. (3) Shuffle forward on the seat to allow room for my right hand (holding the toilet paper - between 5 and 7 sheets depending on estimated need). (4) Rock myself forward by abut 60 degrees, WITHOUT losing contact between my legs/arse and the seat, to prevent my hand dipping into the shit-hole. (5) Wipe between 4 and 6 times, depending on what is there. Look at the paper after every second wipe. Always, always front-to-back to minimise the risk of ascending urinary sepsis.