Wardi

The inventors of the ballet skirt thought long and hard about what to call their creation. Eventually they just put Tu and Tu together.

I managed to burn my Hawaiian pizza in the oven last night. Maybe I should have tried aloha setting.

If I hear any more half baked bread puns I will be kneading help!

Two jump leads walk into a bar and demand a pint of lager each. 'Alright, I'll serve you' said the barman, 'but don't try and start anything'.

A lorry load of stolen wigs has overturned on the A1 near Washington. Police are now combing the area.

Police have pulled over a suspicious empty horsebox on the A1 with Irish number plates. The driver claimed he was taking the non-runners to Catterick.

Police investigating a robbery at a prosthetics factory say they are searching for a number of unarmed criminals.

A lingerie business set up by ex Star Trek legend William Shatner has gone into receivership. A disappointed Shatner admitted that titling the lingerie range 'Shatner Pants' was probably not the best idea.

It has just been announced that Wildebeest Pate’ - once famously endorsed by Frank Sinatra - is to be re-launched on the American market. Start spreading the Gnus.

A prolific Swiss clock and watchmaker with a collection of hundreds of timepieces has sadly died at the age of 95. Solicitors acting as executors say it may take several months to wind up his estate.

In the 19th century the Cornish Pasty makers of south west England had reached crisis point. A general shortage of meat and meat rationing left them short of fillings for their pasties. In sheer desperation they decided to use the innards of large rodents as a meat substitute. These pasties became known as the pie-rats of Penzance.

A young Geordie lad goes to see the Doctor, clearly in some discomfort - there's a Newcastle Brown Ale bottle sticking out from his foot. After an inspection and diagnosis the Doctor reassuringly declared.. 'No need to worry bonny lad, it's just an ingrowing Toon ale'

I was feeling mischievous last night so swapped all the labels round on my wife's spice rack. I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme may be cumin.

My grandparents always enjoy lifting their spirits at Christmas. Last year they lifted them from Sainsburys.

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.

I joined a dating site for pyromaniacs last week. They sent me a match straight away.

There are rumours within the business world that the Crufts dog show is in severe financial difficulty. Apparently the situation has got so serious they have called in the official Retriever.

Northumbria Police are reporting that they have seized a large quantity of counterfeit Mr Kipling mince pies from a warehouse in Gateshead. A detective at the scene said.... 'These are exceedingly good fakes.'

The coastguard are reporting that a ship carrying red paint has been involved in a collision with another ship containing blue paint. Both sets of crew are said to be marooned.

A clairvoyant dwarf has escaped from Wormwood Scrubs. Police say they are looking for a small medium at large.

Barry Gibb is apparently a decent Chinese cook. He is fond of saying.. 'you can tell by the way I use my wok'.

Police and the fire service are investigating an explosion at a Chinese dumpling factory in Gateshead. An officer at the scene said it was the worst case of wonton destruction that he had ever witnessed.

Police have arrested a man for squirting Domestos at the Archbishop of Canterbury. Officers say the man has been charged with a bleach of the Priest.

I live round the corner from Humphrey's modest estate. Most of his pubs are shut because he struggles to find anyone willing to run them for him. His reputation has clearly spread among landlords. There are properties of his in the town that are empty, boarded up, roof falling in, pubs either closed or in need of a lick of paint. He would have all the roads in he town cobbled if he could. The town will never progress until his demise happens. Only blessing is that their beer & lager is around £3 a pint locally, quite a pleasant drink if it's looked after by the landlord. Another example of his mean spiritedness.. about 6m from me there's a beautiful stately home called Nun Appleton Hall. Humphrey bought it in the 80's, he wanted to make changes to it but couldn't due to it being a listed building. He eventually fenced it off in the early 90's and closed it to the public because he couldn't get his own way. It's my toy and no-one else can play with it.