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Last time you shit yourself

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I nearly had a horrible moment at the end of 5 a-side the other night, my arse hole was twitching like a rabbits nose in the middle of an ashtma attack just after we finished playing.

 

Had to hurry the lads I was dropping off into the car under the pretence I was gonna be sick, one of them tried to pursuade me to just be sick in the car park to get it over with, at this point I was touching cloth and asked him if he really fancied the long walk home.

 

Anyway lasted it out to my mates house where I pebble-dashed the bog good style.

 

The whole episode made me wonder when was the last time you shit yourself?

 

Never got to that stage myself apart from when I was in nappies like but have had a few close calls.

 

Remember having a shit in the park once when I was on my paperound years ago and using the glossy mags to wipe with!! Aresehole was cut to ribbons, Meenzer style! :nufc:

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Judging by the state of the gusset of my pants, fairly recently you could argue.

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About 8 years ago...and I was driving my then girlfriend's car to the airport to pick her up, coming back from a business trip abroad. I'd been out on the lash with the boys the night before, had an extremely dodgy curry and went to release a sneaky trouser trumpet only to follow through. Soiled the seat as well as my trousers. Nice.

 

Suffice to say, we didn't last long. :nufc:

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Stevie released one of the greatest stories with regards to this if memory serves me correctly. :nufc:

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Ive never shit meself but ive come fucking close like :nufc:

 

The worst one was...

 

I was in my room in my first year house at uni,

 

Woke up hungover as fuck and desperately needed a shit

 

Lived with the fattest most ugly mong of a lass on the top floor of the house, she looked like john belushi ffs!!

 

So im desperate needing a shite, leave me room and the doors locked so im proper fucking scared in me room of needing a poo, even thinking of the best way to do it :lol:

 

So i hear the door unlock and launch into the toilet and...

 

The seat is still warm off the fat lass.

 

I was nearly sick.

 

She is the most utter ming ever..

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:nufc:

 

ive never shited me pants nor even come close.

 

even when i used to drink and get stottin mortal on the snakebite - my arse never had a bad shift.

Edited by Lazarus

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I must be the only person who hasnt shit himself since being a kid :nufc:

 

On a similar note, my mate pissed the bed 2 weeks running on saturday night. On the 3rd saturday night his new lass was stopping for the first time. He gave up drinking for 2 months cos he was that scared of pissing on her leg in is sleep!

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I must be the only person who hasnt shit himself since being a kid :lol:

 

On a similar note, my mate pissed the bed 2 weeks running on saturday night. On the 3rd saturday night his new lass was stopping for the first time. He gave up drinking for 2 months cos he was that scared of pissing on her leg in is sleep!

 

Im still trying to work this one out :nufc:

 

Are you saying that last staurday and the saturday before your "mate" pissed the bed and next saturday he has a new "lass" staying so he doesnt want to repeat the feat?

 

If so, does he have a time machine in an H G Wells stylee where after agreeing to her staying he remembers the previous two weeks shenanigans and therefore goes back in time two months to stop drinking and hopefully not piss himself?

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I must be the only person who hasnt shit himself since being a kid :lol:

 

On a similar note, my mate pissed the bed 2 weeks running on saturday night. On the 3rd saturday night his new lass was stopping for the first time. He gave up drinking for 2 months cos he was that scared of pissing on her leg in is sleep!

 

Im still trying to work this one out :nufc:

 

Are you saying that last staurday and the saturday before your "mate" pissed the bed and next saturday he has a new "lass" staying so he doesnt want to repeat the feat?

 

If so, does he have a time machine in an H G Wells stylee where after agreeing to her staying he remembers the previous two weeks shenanigans and therefore goes back in time two months to stop drinking and hopefully not piss himself?

 

 

I could explain what he means, I think, but Gemmill wouldn't like it. (and might well poo himself in outrage) :razz:

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I must be the only person who hasnt shit himself since being a kid :lol:

 

On a similar note, my mate pissed the bed 2 weeks running on saturday night. On the 3rd saturday night his new lass was stopping for the first time. He gave up drinking for 2 months cos he was that scared of pissing on her leg in is sleep!

 

Im still trying to work this one out :nufc:

 

Are you saying that last staurday and the saturday before your "mate" pissed the bed and next saturday he has a new "lass" staying so he doesnt want to repeat the feat?

 

If so, does he have a time machine in an H G Wells stylee where after agreeing to her staying he remembers the previous two weeks shenanigans and therefore goes back in time two months to stop drinking and hopefully not piss himself?

 

 

I could explain what he means, I think, but Gemmill wouldn't like it. (and might well poo himself in outrage) :razz:

 

I wouldn't bother. I think peasepud was joking too Fop. I would steer clear of trying to fully explain any answers to the question "Why did the chicken cross the road?" too.

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one of my mates and yes it was a mate not me, shit himself twice within a matter of 3 weeks. He's know as Freddie the bastard (another story) to us.

 

He'd been on an all day session went back home pissed out of his head, decided he needed a shit went to the toliet, pulled down what he thought was his jeans and boxers but was infact only his jeans.

 

Proceeded to have a shit, took off his jeans and boxers and got straight in to bed, so basically shit himself and then got in to bed and caked it all over the sheets

 

:nufc:

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one of my mates and yes it was a mate not me, shit himself twice within a matter of 3 weeks. He's know as Freddie the bastard (another story) to us.

 

He'd been on an all day session went back home pissed out of his head, decided he needed a shit went to the toliet, pulled down what he thought was his jeans and boxers but was infact only his jeans.

 

Proceeded to have a shit, took off his jeans and boxers and got straight in to bed, so basically shit himself and then got in to bed and caked it all over the sheets

 

:nufc:

 

Jesus wept. That was you, wasn't it?

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I must be the only person who hasnt shit himself since being a kid :nufc:

 

On a similar note, my mate pissed the bed 2 weeks running on saturday night. On the 3rd saturday night his new lass was stopping for the first time. He gave up drinking for 2 months cos he was that scared of pissing on her leg in is sleep!

 

Im still trying to work this one out :lol:

 

Are you saying that last staurday and the saturday before your "mate" pissed the bed and next saturday he has a new "lass" staying so he doesnt want to repeat the feat?

 

If so, does he have a time machine in an H G Wells stylee where after agreeing to her staying he remembers the previous two weeks shenanigans and therefore goes back in time two months to stop drinking and hopefully not piss himself?

 

 

I could explain what he means, I think, but Gemmill wouldn't like it. (and might well poo himself in outrage) :first:

 

I wouldn't bother. I think peasepud was joking too Fop. I would steer clear of trying to fully explain any answers to the question "Why did the chicken cross the road?" too.

 

 

See I knew he wouldn't like it and I didn't even do it, can't help himself. :nufc: (but I wonder if he's poo'd himself in outrage? :razz: )

Edited by Fop

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one of my mates and yes it was a mate not me, shit himself twice within a matter of 3 weeks. He's know as Freddie the bastard (another story) to us.

 

He'd been on an all day session went back home pissed out of his head, decided he needed a shit went to the toliet, pulled down what he thought was his jeans and boxers but was infact only his jeans.

 

Proceeded to have a shit, took off his jeans and boxers and got straight in to bed, so basically shit himself and then got in to bed and caked it all over the sheets

 

:nufc:

 

Jesus wept. That was you, wasn't it?

nah honest wasnt me swear down, dont think i've shit myself since i was a kid my mother tells me it was in a shop while trying on some new shoes :lol:

 

this lad was at a house party a few weeks later went for a shit and managed to some how miss the toliet and dropped a log beside the toliet on the floor

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can't understand people getting so drunk they've lost cdontrol of their bowels. The worst that will happen to me is that I fall asleep with my socks on! :nufc:

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I must be the only person who hasnt shit himself since being a kid :razz:

 

On a similar note, my mate pissed the bed 2 weeks running on saturday night. On the 3rd saturday night his new lass was stopping for the first time. He gave up drinking for 2 months cos he was that scared of pissing on her leg in is sleep!

 

Im still trying to work this one out :nufc:

 

Are you saying that last staurday and the saturday before your "mate" pissed the bed and next saturday he has a new "lass" staying so he doesnt want to repeat the feat?

 

If so, does he have a time machine in an H G Wells stylee where after agreeing to her staying he remembers the previous two weeks shenanigans and therefore goes back in time two months to stop drinking and hopefully not piss himself?

 

Not this saturday. Just 2 saturdays in a row last year. Im sure if you took your funny man hat off you would have understood that :lol:

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she'll get em from Primark, 50p a pair.

 

On her wage it'll be the case that she'll take em out, wear em out, throw em out.

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she'll get em from Primark, 50p a pair.

 

On her wage it'll be the case that she'll take em out, wear em out, throw em out.

 

Probably doesn't wear any tbh. The state of her sheets.

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Aside from my earlier declaration, I've just remembered there was this other time, actually, where I was stuck in a traffic jam on the M62 trying to make my way back from Birmingham to the north-east, and the traffic just stopped...and my stomach was rumbling like a rusty old washing machine. Managed to make it to the services just outside Leeds, only to get out of the car and feel my sphincter just beginning to erupt. I managed to waddle my way to the toilets, arriving in the nick of time at the toilet cubicle, running (well, speed-waddling) in, and slamming the door shut and locking it in a single ninja-like manouevre. Spun round, kecks down and *just* managed to sit before it exploded.

 

Fuck me though, it sounded like Krakatoa and smelt like Bhopal. Had to sit there for 20 minutes afterwards to make sure nobody else was in the bogs before emerging from the cubicle shame-faced.

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