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I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are moving to India. I'm so excited!

 

I've always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I'll

 

be able to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done Aviva, keep up

 

the good work.

 

Charles Turner

 

 

 

 

 

What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a

 

loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him

 

some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate

 

and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd

 

get their story straight.

 

T Potter

 

 

 

 

 

I wouldn't say boo to a goose. I'm not a coward, I just realise that

 

it would be largely pointless.

 

Mike Potts

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging'

 

who also say 'hanging's too good for them'? Make your right wing minds up.

 

Christina Martin

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to

 

remain healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat

 

the bed. What's healthy about that?

 

Mark J, Barnsley

 

 

 

 

 

AM I the only person who hasn't banged Kate Moss?

 

Everyday the papers are full of stories from blokes claiming to have

 

banged her. It's something I'm quite keen on doing and I was just

 

wondering if there is some sort of queuing system in place.

 

Zak Cassidy, e-mail

 

 

 

 

 

TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied "I'll tell you when you're older"

 

when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another

 

one's arse: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.

 

Joe McKeown

 

 

 

 

 

I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can

 

testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

 

Neil Palmer

 

 

 

 

 

ACCORDING to the BBC website, Heather Mills has blamed the breakdown

 

of her marriage to Sir Paul McCartney on 'constant intrusion' into the

 

couple's private life. It seems a shame that Heather objects so much

 

to the public taking an interest in her personal business. If only she

 

had mentioned it in one of her two published autobiographies, A Single

 

Step and Out On A Limb,or the 'About Heather' section of her website

 

www.heathermillsmccartney <http://www.heathermillsmccartney/> .com,

 

or perhaps when she sold her life story to the News of the World in 1993.

 

Perhaps then the public would have got the message and left her to

 

live her life out of the constant glare of publicity.

 

A Cherry, Leeds

 

 

 

 

 

PROFESSIONAL footballers have hit the headlines recently for indulging

 

in gamesmanship - diving and playacting and so on. Well at least they

 

are now limiting their disgraceful behaviour to the pitch these days.

 

It wasn't so long ago that they were out beating up Pakistanis,

 

dogging in car parks and gang raping women in hotel rooms. Let's give

 

credit where credit is due.

 

T Harpic, London

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE THING that strikes me about the appointment of a paedophile to a

 

teaching post is, how shit must the other people at the interview have

 

been?

 

T Thorne, London

 

 

 

 

 

WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses?

 

Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end

 

to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

 

Stu Bray

 

 

 

 

 

THEY SAY that slow and steady wins the race. Bollocks!

 

I am an athletics coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I

 

find the best tactic by far is to go as quickly as possible.

 

Ashley Smith

 

 

 

 

 

I could never understand why Brian McFadden dumped his huge-breasted

 

wife Kerry Katona. But those Iceland adverts really opened my eyes.

 

Wise move.

 

Martin Mannion

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.

 

Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

 

Colum Hill

 

 

 

 

 

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just

 

like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's

 

minge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?

 

P Lorimer, Leeds

 

 

 

 

 

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing

 

board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless

 

remark to make than this?

 

Alun Daniel

 

 

 

 

 

My neighbour is an odd fellow. He's got a wall around his garden that

 

is completely covered in leaves! And every week in summer, he goes out

 

and trims it with an enormous pair of scissors! I often wonder what

 

he'll get up to next.

 

J Barratt, Nottingham

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I

 

was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the

 

lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!', but the

 

poor sod's face told a different story.

 

Tommo, Hull

 

 

 

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum?

 

My mum's 77. Beat that.

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Superb, Top Tips were always my favourites:

 

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by

drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange

place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously

"erased."

Sam Neffendorf, Weybridge.

 

A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to

guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble

dispenser at cocktail parties.

L Traintu, Clarkesville.

 

Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey.

It gives any cocktail a bit of "oomph."

James Francis, East Glamorgan Hospital.

 

Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding

under the covers.

Charles Holley, Newcastle.

 

Make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick to an

empty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice.

Ms. G. M. Dowd, Wigan.

 

Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each

pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and

receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.

P.Turner, Liverpool L17.

 

Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking

them to wrap it.

D. Treloar, Wandsworth.

 

A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an

ideal "car" for snakes.

G. Dorson, Skipton.

 

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and

grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Phil Wasey, Liverpool.

 

Cant afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film

and press them into your eyes.

D. Stokes, Middlesex.

 

Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.

P.J. Ruddock, London.

 

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply

changing your name to match your existing plate.

Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln.

 

Cyclists. Next time you're out on your bike take a tin bath and about

4 or 5 gallons of water in plastic containers. In the event of a flat

tire this will help you locate any punctures you may have.

Andy Hodgeson, Manchester.

 

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to

the object you wish to view.

S Goldhanger, Fulchester.

 

Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa

anytime by just turning on the tap.

Mrs M Growitt, Birmingham.

 

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully

refreshed and on time.

Sgt. R. J. Crowe, 662 Squadron, Germany.

 

Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol whenever

you park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or two

plastic buckets.

D. Griffiths, Kent.

 

Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and

talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly,

or set fire to someone else's house.

Mr P. Lilburn, Rotherham.

 

Record the sound of your wife having an orgasm, and then listen to the

tape through headphones next time you make love. That way you can have

sex without waking her up.

Frank Wilson, Southend.

 

Fellas. Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because you're

shite at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly with extra

girlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the pub.

Daphnie Treloar, Cardiff.

 

Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't,

because you cant and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-

arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.

D Thresher, Wapping.

 

Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen

chips from the freezer and try piercing together potatoes.

B Reastford, Iranville, Notts.

 

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the

fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

 

Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in

every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of

the escaping gas.

N. Burke, Manchester.

 

As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we

smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for use in

such emergencies.

Mrs D Bibby, Rugby.

 

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the

direction of oncoming traffic.

D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead.

 

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case

a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up

the road.

D. Rogers Hemel, Hempstead General Infirmary.

 

Avoid paying tax by going to work in a politically unstable Middle

East country inhabited by religious fanatics. Ignore British

Government advice to leave when a war looks imminent, then moan a

few weeks later when bombs start going off and there aren't any

planes home.

S Goblin, Middlesex.

 

Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your

head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide

out.

Kate Emblen, Uxbridge.

 

Cyclists. Why not try stopping at red lights like everyone else,

instead of riding up onto the pavement to avoid them. Stupid Bastards.

M Burridge, Newcastle.

 

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

P Raker, Chatham.

 

Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and

attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be

worn around the neck.

B Morgan, Criccieth.

 

Don't buy expensive "ribbed" condoms, just buy an ordinary one and

slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

D Duckham, Didford.

 

Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative

to sun-bed treatments.

Mr T. Eebly, Warstead.

 

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating

cakes again.

P Loft, Gateshead.

 

I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving.

The secret is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time you have

completely forgotten ever owning a car.

Mike Grey, Essex.

 

Prevent crisps cutting your gums and getting caught between teeth by

steeping them in a bowl of water before eating them.

T.C. Jackson, York.

 

Werewolf enthusiasts. get that "wolfy" feeling every night by simply

gluing a paper plate to your bedroom window.

J. Bradley, Beeston, Notts.

 

Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto!

Toffee.

A. Sharp, Birmingham.

 

Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by

making "blinkers" out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to each

temple.

Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood.

 

Internet users. Try "accessing" your local newsagents and "download" a

few wank mags from the top shelf. They're cheaper than computers, and

easier to smuggle into the toilet.

Carl Hesketh, Blackburn.

 

A next door neighbours car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal

coat hanger in an emergency.

Nick Jeggo, Adbaston, Staffs.

 

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,

imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your

intended destination in the first place.

Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood.

 

Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse

neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player

during a powercut.

Howard Urmenyl, Amersham, Leo Sayer country.

 

Next time you go drink driving ask a friend or relative to follow you

on a moped carrying a camera. Then, if you crash, they can take the

blame.

Bastien Phelp, Bath.

 

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over

any that you catch in the act.

W. T. Conqueror, Hastings.

 

Play "Indiana Jones" with your pet mouse using a length of drainpipe

and a cricket ball.

I. K. Brunel, Bristol.

 

Always fart into the rings on top of your gas cooker. This will turn

back the gas meter, and save you pounds over a period of time.

C. Custer, Little Bighorn.

 

Play "Moth Aircraft Carriers" by floating a shoe box in the bath with

a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off

the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic

and dangerous landings.

Neil Davis, e-mail.

 

Car cigarette lighters make ideal mini "High Chaparral" style branding

irons.

J.T. Thropton.

 

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an

inexpensive vibrator.

Sister S. Berwick, Blackrod.

 

Terrify ants into believing they have been invaded by "War Of The

Worlds" style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around their

holes.

J.T. Thropton.

 

Fool passers by into thinking you keep a bird of prey by walking down

the street wearing a leather gauntlet, waving a piece of raw meat in

your hand and constantly looking up into the sky.

Simone Glover, Tottenham.

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I have recently married a woman from Taiwan, and everyone keeps asking me if she was mail ordered. I am outraged - I arranged for her to be delivered by a courier.

 

The next letter:

 

My wife is also from Taiwan, but no-one asks me if she is mail ordered. Perhaps this because I am also from Taiwan. And we live there.

 

 

 

 

And my absolute all time favourite:

 

 

The other day I saw a woman driving a police car. Whatever next? :o

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They're brilliant.

 

The only one I always remembered is:

 

Earth worms can be sharpened with a pencil sharpener more easily if you freeze them first.

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"Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak," Thin Lizzy sang in 1976, "somewhere in the town." Near the prison would be my guess.

 

Jimmy Carr n'est-ce pas?

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"Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak," Thin Lizzy sang in 1976, "somewhere in the town." Near the prison would be my guess.

 

Jimmy Carr n'est-ce pas?

 

Blatantly ripping off his stuff from Viz then, thinking about it that wouldnt surprise me

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I can't be arsed searching through copies, but one of my favourites from a couple of years back was about the New Year MBEs, and who should get them.

 

"I see the Bee Gees are being awarded MBEs, I think they should have only given them to Barry and Maurice, not for any particulcar reason, just the look on Robin's face would have been a picture."

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