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Lazarus

You know when you get the urge to fart....

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Your stomach cramps up.....

 

Your not sure whether to go to the toilet 'just in case'.....

 

Your thinking anyone caught 'downwind' from the blast will have severe breathing difficulties....

 

and when it comes out.......

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

....its nothing more than a feeble squeak.

 

 

Never has this smilie been more appropriate :(

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Its very frustrating.

 

Almost as frustrating as when you feel the need for a shit and when you get down to business it just turns out to be a very loud fart.

 

 

 

*also isn't the toilet bowl the most effective accoustic chamber ever invented !

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The Poo List

 

The Ghost Poo: The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo on the toilet paper, but there's no poo in the bowl.

 

The Clean poo - The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl, but theres no poo on the toilet paper.

 

The Wet Poo- You wipe your arse fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

 

The Wet Cheeks Poo- That's the kind that comes out of your butt so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water, or splash-back.

 

The Second Wave Poo- This poo happens when you think you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to poo some more.

 

The Brain Haemorrhage-through-your-nose Poo- You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

 

The Lincoln Log Log- The kind of poo that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

 

The Power Dump Poo- The kind that comes out so fast, you've barely got your pants down and you're done.

 

The Liquid Plumber Poo- This kind of poo is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Poo.

 

The Spinal Tap Poo- The kind of poo that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.

 

The 'I-think-I'm-turning-into-a-bunny' Poo- When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splishy sounds when they hit the water.

 

The 'What-the-hell-died-in-here' Poo- Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out a-gagging and a-gasping for air.

 

The 'I-just-know-there's-a-turd-still-dangling-there' Poo- Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop.

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My shit hasn't been the same since I had my gall bladder removed, not had a proper log in nearly 12 months.

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My shit hasn't been the same since I had my gall bladder removed, not had a proper log in nearly 12 months.

 

 

In what way? :(

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My shit hasn't been the same since I had my gall bladder removed, not had a proper log in nearly 12 months.

 

 

In what way? :(

 

 

I was warned before the op that I'll never be constipated ever again, thats so true, ever since, my shits have been a rather unsatisfying paste.

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If I've had a heavy sesh at the weekend I always get a third wave shit on a Wednesday morning about 4:30am. Severe pain followd by 2-3 trips to the shitter

Edited by Wacky Jnr

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so i take it your not helping the enviroment by only using one sheet of toliet roll Jimbo

 

Trouble is it doesn't just end with skidsheet, my underwear takes one hell of a battering these days too, its getting to the point where I almost need a fresh pair of pants every day.

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so i take it your not helping the enviroment by only using one sheet of toliet roll Jimbo

 

Trouble is it doesn't just end with skidsheet, my underwear takes one hell of a battering these days too, its getting to the point where I almost need a fresh pair of pants every day.

 

NIp half a beer mat between your cheeks before pulling up :(

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so i take it your not helping the enviroment by only using one sheet of toliet roll Jimbo

 

Trouble is it doesn't just end with skidsheet, my underwear takes one hell of a battering these days too, its getting to the point where I almost need a fresh pair of pants every day.

 

NIp half a beer mat between your cheeks before pulling up :P

;)

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so i take it your not helping the enviroment by only using one sheet of toliet roll Jimbo

 

Trouble is it doesn't just end with skidsheet, my underwear takes one hell of a battering these days too, its getting to the point where I almost need a fresh pair of pants every day.

 

NIp half a beer mat between your cheeks before pulling up ;)

 

 

Beer mat ? I could probably use a front door mat these days.

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We could do with a new sub-forum for all the shit-related stories we're getting these days.

 

It's just going right down the pan these days...... ;)

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Im having the most rancid farts in my life at the moment, its embarassing!

 

I'm usually one to savour a fart, but these fuckers peel the paint on the doorframe and permeate into the soft furnishings, never to leave ;)

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Im having the most rancid farts in my life at the moment, its embarassing!

 

I'm usually one to savour a fart, but these fuckers peel the paint on the doorframe and permeate into the soft furnishings, never to leave ;)

 

Hence the username

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