themags 0 Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 One night, as he finished his last beer, Joe's doorbell rang. He answered the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left. The next night, the doorbell rang, and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left. The same same happened the next night. This time, he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left. The following day, Joe went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded. "Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
khay 8 Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 Old Sean lived alone in Northern Ireland. He wanted to spade up his potatogarden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Mick, who used to help him,was in an English prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: Dear Mick, I am feeling a mite down because it looks like I won't be able to plant me potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad A few days later he received a letter from his son: Dear Father, For CHRIST'S SAKE, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried all them feckin' BODIES! Love, Mick At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen agents from Scotland Yard and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden down to a depth of about six feet. That evening, not finding any bodies, they apologized to the old man and left. The next day the old man received another letter from his son: Dear Father, Go ahead and plant yer spuds now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances Love, Mick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Southern Geordie 1 Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brock Manson 0 Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 Souness signed Ali Dia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shearergol 0 Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 One night, as he finished his last beer, Joe's doorbell rang. He answered the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left. The next night, the doorbell rang, and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left. The same same happened the next night. This time, he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left. The following day, Joe went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded. "Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around." 2416[/snapback] Obvious, but I still laughed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueStar 0 Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 What;s the difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Optimistic Nut 9 Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 What did Lassie say to Skippy the Bush Kangaroo? Woof woof. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brock Manson 0 Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile? Wait for it........ "Get in the Batmobile Robin" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matty 0 Posted November 21, 2005 Share Posted November 21, 2005 What do you call an Irish spider...? Paddy long legs! Sorry, I'm bored... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Kenneth Noisewater 0 Posted November 21, 2005 Share Posted November 21, 2005 An Eskimo is driving through the snow when his snowmobile breaks down. He pushes it to into a garage and the mechanic says “looks like you’ve blown a Seal…” To which the Eskimo replies, “No no that’s just frost on my moustache.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lou 0 Posted November 21, 2005 Share Posted November 21, 2005 What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile? Wait for it........ "Get in the Batmobile Robin" 2474[/snapback] Nice one Brockster! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brock Manson 0 Posted November 21, 2005 Share Posted November 21, 2005 What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile? Wait for it........ "Get in the Batmobile Robin" 2474[/snapback] Nice one Brockster! 58594[/snapback] Cor you read slowly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lou 0 Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 Hey I wasn't even in the country when you wrote that... gimme a break... it takes a long time to catch up!! ... and plus I hadn't noticed when it was posted... Shoosh you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Face 29 Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon. Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...'' "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat " After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!" "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh my God!" Mrs Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" said Mrs Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in." Mrs Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,.. um.. equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long." With that, Mrs. Smith fainted............ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now