Wiping your arse

[Toonpack 6766]

I like to shit standing up and then sit down to wipe

 

Burglars when disturbed "in the act" often have that problem, must be a scouse thing.

[Happy Face 29]

the standers are basically one evolutionary step behind the sitters

 

You kidding?

 

Renowned Sitters

R|co

Smooth

Thompers

Toontoasey

 

Renowned Standers

Alex

Ewerk

Happy Face

Holden

Khay

Luckyluke

Manc

Parky

Sammy

 

I ain't saying correlation is cause, but I much prefer the look of my team.

[Monkeys Fist 38588]

A sitter walks into one if these whilst on holiday .....

 

" Maaaaaam! Finished .....Heeeeeelp!"

[ajax_andy 0]

A sitter walks into one if these whilst on holiday .....

 

" Maaaaaam! Finished .....Heeeeeelp!"

 

I had severe food poisoning in Morocco and the only available place to poo was in one of those... so I had to do it.

 

I thought I'd hit an all time low until I had to get the driver to stop the next day so I could shit behind a large rock.

[Monkeys Fist 38588]

Hope you were wearing wellies.

[Dr Gloom 19746]

A sitter walks into one if these whilst on holiday .....

 

 

 

.... and walks out

Edited March 6, 2013 by Dr Gloom

[Monkeys Fist 38588]

....... As he's wearing a nappy

[Gemmill 34191]

The neck on the standers man. Don't know how they dare. It's so ridiculous what they get up to.

[ajax_andy 0]

Hope you were wearing wellies.

 

Haha no but luckly I managed to avoid any splashback / dribbling down my legs

[Monkeys Fist 38588]

The neck on the standers man. Don't know how they dare. It's so ridiculous what they get up to.

It's not just my conscience that's clean.

[Ruler of Planet Houston 1]

The argument the standers have is pretty lame: "How can you get your hand in there? How can you do it without dipping your hand in the shit bowl"

 

The argument the sitters have is solid: "Standing will butter your cheeks and may even cause stray dollops that were hanging on an arse hair to drop into your jeans"

 

The standers have no real come back as they know it to be true.

 

Now, as a sitter and someone that cares I will put this into plain English exactly how we can manage this tough task so efficiently. And if the standers still can't do it then they may need to see an occupational health therapist to work on their fine motor skills.

 

I presume we all start in the same way. Pants round our ankles and sitting. Slightly leaning forward whils sitting causes the cheeks to separate and, unless you are one massive mound of blubbery fat, there is no way you can nip them together - the only thing capable of nipping in this position is the cigar cutter.

 

So you nip off the awkward one or let the decent one flow completely free. At this stage the toilet water is looking up at parted cheeks with a soiled hole in the middle.

 

Now this is where the magic begins. (standers stand up and spread that soil hither and thither then wipe like fuck to bring their vanish stain remover bills down to a minimum) The sitter (contrary to HF's belief) keeps both feet on the floor, and assuming right handed, leans forward even more but towards 10 o clock thusly, if anything, parting the cheeks even beyond the normal partage. This in turn raises the right arse cheek from the lid leaving ample space to reach in without touching any part of the toilet with your hand/arm.

 

Now the wipe occurs with a neat folded array of bog roll squares. Possibly due another debate of its own, in my case the wipe goes back to front. And for those of you that cry out "Shit balls", this is where the second part of the magic happens as the fine motor skills come in to play again. The wipe starts at the back, moves steadily forward towards the hole and upon reaching the hole starts to arc downwards towards the water, piss and shit...but not so exaggerated that you get a fist mark in your droppings. A good clean wiper will then look down between the thighs and see (because the raised arse cheek at the back lets the light reflect from the wall into the bowl) if the bog roll is soiled then release.

 

This is repeated until looking down reveals a used but sparkling white bundle of toilet paper. This is when you know you are ready. Now som sitters pull up their strides at this point. Not me...I'm one of those that supports the final stand wipe for good measure. But before standing I will of course dab the japs eye to avoid any excess piss dripping into my pants.

 

Now, as all us sitters know as FACT...this is how it works and it works well. If the standers try it and fail then that is their problem and probably due to several years of missed practice. Don't give in...you will get there one day. After all...the sitters mastered it as young children.

[Renton 17633]

 

 

You kidding?

 

Renowned Sitters

R|co

Smooth

Thompers

Toontoasey

 

Renowned Standers

Alex

Ewerk

Happy Face

Holden

Khay

Luckyluke

Manc

Parky

Sammy

 

I ain't saying correlation is cause, but I much prefer the look of my team.

 

Ewerk and luckyluke both defected man. Incredible it took a football message board for them to learn how to wipe their arses properly, but better late than never!

Edited March 6, 2013 by Renton

[Christmas Tree 3997]

Surely post of the year. Well said. Bravo.

 

I also agree that having now once and for all put the standees to shame, there is indeed mileage in paper folding / scrumpling / sheetage usage as well as the various motions of the wipe and inspection routines of the soiled paper.

 

 

[Monkeys Fist 38588]

I love how all these sitters assume my arse to be dirtier than finger blasting your granny.

 

In normal conditions, I'm a three-wipes-and-clean chap.

 

I could also explain how easy and natural it is to raise your arse from the filthy germ-laden bog seat without buttering the cheeks, but is there any point?

[ewerk 26192]

The argument the standers have is pretty lame: "How can you get your hand in there? How can you do it without dipping your hand in the shit bowl"

 

The argument the sitters have is solid: "Standing will butter your cheeks and may even cause stray dollops that were hanging on an arse hair to drop into your jeans"

 

The standers have no real come back as they know it to be true.

 

Now, as a sitter and someone that cares I will put this into plain English exactly how we can manage this tough task so efficiently. And if the standers still can't do it then they may need to see an occupational health therapist to work on their fine motor skills.

 

I presume we all start in the same way. Pants round our ankles and sitting. Slightly leaning forward whils sitting causes the cheeks to separate and, unless you are one massive mound of blubbery fat, there is no way you can nip them together - the only thing capable of nipping in this position is the cigar cutter.

 

So you nip off the awkward one or let the decent one flow completely free. At this stage the toilet water is looking up at parted cheeks with a soiled hole in the middle.

 

Now this is where the magic begins. (standers stand up and spread that soil hither and thither then wipe like fuck to bring their vanish stain remover bills down to a minimum) The sitter (contrary to HF's belief) keeps both feet on the floor, and assuming right handed, leans forward even more but towards 10 o clock thusly, if anything, parting the cheeks even beyond the normal partage. This in turn raises the right arse cheek from the lid leaving ample space to reach in without touching any part of the toilet with your hand/arm.

 

Now the wipe occurs

 

This should be published in a public information leaflet.

 

Though you start to lose it a bit when you go on about back to front wiping.

[Dr Gloom 19746]

The argument the standers have is pretty lame: "How can you get your hand in there? How can you do it without dipping your hand in the shit bowl"

 

The argument the sitters have is solid: "Standing will butter your cheeks and may even cause stray dollops that were hanging on an arse hair to drop into your jeans"

 

The standers have no real come back as they know it to be true.

 

Now, as a sitter and someone that cares I will put this into plain English exactly how we can manage this tough task so efficiently. And if the standers still can't do it then they may need to see an occupational health therapist to work on their fine motor skills.

 

I presume we all start in the same way. Pants round our ankles and sitting. Slightly leaning forward whils sitting causes the cheeks to separate and, unless you are one massive mound of blubbery fat, there is no way you can nip them together - the only thing capable of nipping in this position is the cigar cutter.

 

So you nip off the awkward one or let the decent one flow completely free. At this stage the toilet water is looking up at parted cheeks with a soiled hole in the middle.

 

Now this is where the magic begins. (standers stand up and spread that soil hither and thither then wipe like fuck to bring their vanish stain remover bills down to a minimum) The sitter (contrary to HF's belief) keeps both feet on the floor, and assuming right handed, leans forward even more but towards 10 o clock thusly, if anything, parting the cheeks even beyond the normal partage. This in turn raises the right arse cheek from the lid leaving ample space to reach in without touching any part of the toilet with your hand/arm.

 

Now the wipe occurs with a neat folded array of bog roll squares. Possibly due another debate of its own, in my case the wipe goes back to front. And for those of you that cry out "Shit balls", this is where the second part of the magic happens as the fine motor skills come in to play again. The wipe starts at the back, moves steadily forward towards the hole and upon reaching the hole starts to arc downwards towards the water, piss and shit...but not so exaggerated that you get a fist mark in your droppings. A good clean wiper will then look down between the thighs and see (because the raised arse cheek at the back lets the light reflect from the wall into the bowl) if the bog roll is soiled then release.

 

This is repeated until looking down reveals a used but sparkling white bundle of toilet paper. This is when you know you are ready. Now som sitters pull up their strides at this point. Not me...I'm one of those that supports the final stand wipe for good measure. But before standing I will of course dab the japs eye to avoid any excess piss dripping into my pants.

 

Now, as all us sitters know as FACT...this is how it works and it works well. If the standers try it and fail then that is their problem and probably due to several years of missed practice. Don't give in...you will get there one day. After all...the sitters mastered it as young children.

 

 

/endofthread

 

standers, stand down. you are defeated by reason and logic.

[luckyluke 1]

I implore my standing brothers to try sitting. The unparalleled access to your tea towel holder will be a revelation.

[Happy Face 29]

People agreeing with a split arse tramp who wipes back to front?

 

Incredible scenes

[ChezGiven 0]

"sitter, careful folder, front to backer"

 

You could eat your dinner off it.

[trophyshy 6432]

"Wiping your arse started by Holden McGroin"

 

Proper technique that, pull everything forward out the way.

[Dr Gloom 19746]

"Wiping your arse started by Holden McGroin"

 

Proper technique that, pull everything forward out the way.

 

i employ the same method. sitting with a back to front wipe gives you the best purchase. bollocks in hand ensures no shit smeared balls with the bonus of a pleasant cupping sensation

Edited March 6, 2013 by Dr Gloom

[ChezGiven 0]

Back to fronters are an odd bunch, i dont want to even entertain the idea of shit being flicked onto or even just smeared towards my sack (or hand cupping sack).

 

Here's what the professional have to say on the matter.

 

If your argument starts to get too heated, there is one common ground that will get everyone back on the same page. And that is that no one should be wiping back to front. This practice, known in most scientific circles as “brown balling”, is absolutely atrocious, and anyone who admits to actually doing this should be beaten and thrown out the window.

 

Back to front is the new standing up.

Edited March 6, 2013 by ChezGiven

[Dr Gloom 19746]

who wants brown arse cheeks though? at least you can see if you've left a trail of shit on your balls, by employing the cupping method. any trails going the other direction are a small smudge away from being a skid mark waiting to happen

Edited March 6, 2013 by Dr Gloom

[ewerk 26192]

at least you can see if you've left a trail of shit on your balls, by employing the cupping method.

 

So you rub your hand over your ball sack and if it leaves shit on your fingers then what? You wipe your balls clean with toilet paper and then have to wash the shit from your hands? It's a test I never want to have to perform.

 

Disgusting behaviour.

[Gemmill 34191]

"sitter, careful folder, front to backer"

 

This. Absolutely perfect form Chez.

 

I couldn't do back to front, but at the same time, at least these people aren't standing. They're not animals.