JawD 31 Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 Jokes that only work in Scotland A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. "Comfy?" asks the dentist. "Govan," she replies. What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor Wullie. A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of antlers?" "Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter. "That's affa dear," says the guy. Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's awa' noo. After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies. What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu. How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan. A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing. "No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan." What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud." And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe." What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*****d. What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik. While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?" "I'd put him off at the next stop," he says. "Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?" "I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies. Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - "Aye right." A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. "What's up, Jimmy?" he asks. "Piston broke," he replies. "Aye, same as masel..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
div-s- 0 Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee and a 250g pack of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kid Dynamite 5890 Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 dont get the first one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scottish Mag 3 Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 dont get the first one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jill 0 Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 dont get the first one! The Scottish accent inside my head must be spot on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JawD 31 Posted January 17, 2008 Author Share Posted January 17, 2008 Comfy = read "come from" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scottish Mag 3 Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 Comfy = read "come from" "Cum fae" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JawD 31 Posted January 17, 2008 Author Share Posted January 17, 2008 Comfy = read "come from" "Cum fae" Aye thanks, got a new chair. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meenzer 13991 Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 Comfy = read "come from" "Cum fae" Aye thanks, got a new chair. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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