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Latest developments one farce Toon far

Louise Taylor The Guardian

 

Most people who know football predicted that Kevin Keegan's return to Newcastle United in January would be anything but a messianic second coming. Keegan's tactical nous was scrutinised; questions were asked of his knowledge of the game, having been out of football for the last three years at his Soccer Circus in Glasgow, and the infamous "love it" interview was replayed ad nauseam. In general, Keegan's chances were written off before his side had even kicked a ball. His doubters proved to be right - but for the wrong reasons. "King Kev" did, ultimately, fail. But his fall was not entirely of his own making; rather, it was simply another farcical error in the tragicomedy that we know as Newcastle United Football Club.

 

The Geordie hordes are no stranger to poor management and worse administration. Nevertheless, despite their consistent internal problems, they have managed to limp along in the lower half of the Premier League for some time now, never quite in danger of relegation but hardly performing to their potential. But, as was too well proven by the demise of Leeds United, too much bungling will eventually ruin even those who walk the heights - and it's been some time since Newcastle fell into that category. Leeds had Peter Ridsdale. Newcastle have Mike Ashley. Both men seemed determined to undo any progress their respective clubs had made before plunging them deep into trouble.

 

There are those who scoff at the notion that an owner or manager must "understand" a club in order to do well. They point to the successes of accomplished foreign managers like Rafa Benitez at Liverpool, Jose Mourinho at Chelsea, and Juande Ramos at Tottenham. They remind us that in this modern era, football is as open to global investment as any other business, and that people like Manchester City's Sheikh Al Mubarak and QPR's Lakshmi Mittal will soon be the rule rather than the exception.

 

But those people, like Ashley, underestimate the passion of Geordie fans for their club, a passion which borders on xenophobia. “Cockney mafia out!” cried one banner, which received warm applause, at the Magpies’ last home game. It’s no surprise that the Toon Army are hostile towards a man who has just forced out one of their greatest heroes of all time. But a growing distrust of anyone with roots “down south” has settled like a malevolent cloud over St James’s Park. London-based Ashley, Wise, Vetere and Jiminez have all come under fire for their perceived mismanagement of a club from afar.

 

It was always going to be a long road back for Ashley and his merry band after forcing the departure of the Messiah. And although the Toon Army’s fervent protests appear to have unsettled the Buckhamshire-born businessman, who has vowed to sell the club, one must wonder who the next owners of Newcastle United will be – that is, if Ashley eventually does find a buyer, rather than spending his time shuttling around the Middle East in an effort to visit every cocktail bar in a 200-mile radius. Ashley was hailed as a saviour when he bought Sir John Hall and Freddy Shepherd out of the St James’s Park boardroom. Now that same much-maligned Mr Shepherd is being fondly remembered on Tyneside as a man who “understood” what it meant to be a Newcastle supporter.

 

Thus, the scene is set: a rudderless club, spinning out of control with three defeats on the trot; a “ghost team,” a paper-thin coaching staff, no manager, an owner who wants out and no hope in sight. Enter Newcastle’s latest saviours: a consortium of Nigerian businessmen, fronted by Chris Nathaniel, of all people. Just when the circus that is Newcastle United seemed it could get no more surreal, these prospective buyers claim to have raised £350 million, which is not enough to match Mike Ashley’s asking price of £400 million. Disregarding Ashley’s greed for the moment, one must wonder for a moment at how low Newcastle have sunk. Even in this age of outrageous financial clout and the increasing influence of billionaire owners, Newcastle’s best prospect for redemption is headed by a dodgy “entrepreneur” whose lasting contribution to society is a TV programme entitled “Rio’s World Cup Wind-Ups.”

 

At a time when fear and distrust of outsiders is at an all-time high on Tyneside, these Nigerians seem to be heading into disaster. The Toon Army wouldn’t stand for their beloved club being run from London – how will they ever put up with the influence of Lagos? How long before “Nigerian mafia out” is paraded around the stadium at half-time? And where will Newcastle be in the table by this point? One thing is certain – if things continue as they are, it will take a miracle far greater than any ever produced by any black-and-white Messiah to save the Toon's Premier League status.

 

;):nufc:

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But those people, like Ashley, underestimate the passion of Geordie fans for their club, a passion which borders on xenophobia. “Cockney mafia out!” cried one banner, which received warm applause, at the Magpies’ last home game. It’s no surprise that the Toon Army are hostile towards a man who has just forced out one of their greatest heroes of all time. But a growing distrust of anyone with roots “down south” has settled like a malevolent cloud over St James’s Park. London-based Ashley, Wise, Vetere and Jiminez have all come under fire for their perceived mismanagement of a club from afar.

 

It was always going to be a long road back for Ashley and his merry band after forcing the departure of the Messiah. And although the Toon Army’s fervent protests appear to have unsettled the Buckhamshire-born businessman, who has vowed to sell the club, one must wonder who the next owners of Newcastle United will be – that is, if Ashley eventually does find a buyer, rather than spending his time shuttling around the Middle East in an effort to visit every cocktail bar in a 200-mile radius. Ashley was hailed as a saviour when he bought Sir John Hall and Freddy Shepherd out of the St James’s Park boardroom. Now that same much-maligned Mr Shepherd is being fondly remembered on Tyneside as a man who “understood” what it meant to be a Newcastle supporter.

 

The bold bits are bullshit misrepresentations from a hack journalist.

 

The red bit is astonishing, "perceived"? Is she suggesting they've done a good job of running the place?

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They point to the successes of accomplished foreign managers like Rafa Benitez at Liverpool, Jose Mourinho at Chelsea, and Juande Ramos at Tottenham.

 

Is she having a fucking laugh?

He's bought 'big' this summer and they are playing wank

 

Aye, had to chuckle at that bit too, where exactly are the Spuds in the league table?

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All right, I have a confession to make. ;)

 

Louise Taylor didn't write this article at all. I did. I didn't mean to deceive you, but I just wanted to see if my work could indeed pass for hers.

 

I did this to demonstrate how pathetic and corrupted the sports journalism industry is. Any random joker (I at least have a degree, but it has nothing to do with journalism of any kind) could churn out the same kind of shite that these professionals write day in and day out for a no doubt considerable salary. Nobody has to know anything, or come up with any relevant facts, or know anything about the club in question.

 

So who'd be a sports journalist? Any of us can.

 

EDIT: The link above this post is hilarious too.

Edited by acrossthepond
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But those people, like Ashley, underestimate the passion of Geordie fans for their club, a passion which borders on xenophobia.

 

Ironic as all his own writing about religion is based on exactly the same thing. ;)

Edited by Fop
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