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Craig

Friday Joke....

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An Undertaker rings the wife of a dead man he is to bury...

 

Undertaker: "Mrs Smith, this is the manager of the burial service and we have a bit of a problem with your husband."

 

Wife: "What's wrong?"

 

Undertaker: "As you know, he was rather a 'well built' man. When rigor mortis sets in to a male corpse, he ends up with an erection and, basically, we can't close the lid of your husband's coffin."

 

Wife: "Well, what can you do?"

 

Undertaker: "We can get a special coffin made that is about 3" taller than standard but it will cost you an extra £500."

 

Wife: "I can't afford that. Can't you do something to solve the problem which is a little less expensive?"

 

The undertaker thinks for a second, then suggests..

 

Undertaker: "We could remove his penis."

 

Wife: "Hang on, I want him all there, together in his coffin when we bury him. I don't want bits of him lying around."

 

Undertaker: "No worries, we can remove his penis and insert it in his rectum."

 

Wife: "OK, but only on 2 conditions. It can't cost any extra and I want to see the body immediately before the funeral."

 

Undertaker: "OK, see you before the funeral."

 

Scene shifts to the Chapel just before the funeral. The undertaker shows the wife into the back room where they have the guy laid out in the coffin, wearing his best suit, with the make-up on to make him look presentable. The undertaker closes the door of the room behind him as he leaves the wife alone with her dearly departed husband for the last time.

 

She goes up to her husband's body and silently says her last, private goodbyes. As she is doing this she notices a small tear has trickled out of the corner of his eye and spoiled the make-up. She looks around to see if anyone else is in the room. When she knows she is there by herself, she bends down and whispers in her husband's ear..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Fuckin' hurts, doesn't it?"

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Heard this one today:

 

A man goes to his doctor, he's concerned over his wifes health but she wont visit the doctor herself.

 

The doctor listens to the symptoms that the man decribes and makes notes.

 

At the end of the consultation the doctor says, "I can't be 100% sure because your wife is not here to examine, but it could either be AIDS or Alzhiemers"

 

"How do we find out which disease she has Doctor ?" the husband asks

 

"Simple" says the Doctor, "take her for a long, long drive in the country, kick her out of the car and if she makes her way back home, don't fuck her !"

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Woman goes to the doctors and says "Doc, everytime I go to the toilet my lady bits sing 'Is this the way to Amarillo?'"

 

Doctor replies "I wouldnt worry about it, every c*nts singing it!"

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A woman goes to the doctor's complaining of a discharge. The doctor asks her into his surgery and, since he's a gynaecologist presumes to poke around and see what the trouble is.

 

"Ok, is that better?" he asks when he's finished.

 

"ooh it was lovely doctor but the discharge is in my ear." replies the woman.

 

:yes

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What did the mummy buffalo say to her child as he left for school?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bison.

 

:o:crylaughin:

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A man walks into his local chippy, do you sell fishcakes?, he asks

 

assistant - "Of course we do, how many can I get you"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just the one, its his birthday.

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What did the mummy buffalo say to her child as he left for school?

 

 

 

 

Bison.

 

B)  :crylaughin:

48027[/snapback]

 

:o Class!

 

 

 

Blerk gans doon to tha Doctaz:

 

 

Bloke: Doctor, I've got this problem. I keep thinking I'm on a stage with bright lights shining in my face. I see women throwing underwear at me and I have developed a strong fondness......

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

for Wales.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Doctor: Ahh, sounds like you've got Tom Jones syndrome

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bloke: Fuck! Sounds bad.....is it rare?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Doctor: It's not unusual

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*legs it*

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