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geordieshandy

Comparison

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NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will

call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to

each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and scrappy.

 

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in

£20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything

smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

 

MONEY

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.

A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on

sale..

 

BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,

razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Travelodge.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A

man would not be able to identify most of these items.

 

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after

that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

 

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the

dustbin, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

 

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they were when they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about

dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret

fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two

people remembering the same thing.

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Guest alex

TBH most of the tight barstewards I've came across have been blokes. It's the first time I've heard it suggested that women are more tight with their money than fellas are.

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Guest alex
TBH most of the tight barstewards I've came across have been blokes.

57339[/snapback]

 

Scottish writers are the worst tbh. :lol:

57342[/snapback]

That Robert Louis Stevenson: short arms, long pockets ;)

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Hmm maybe. All the lasses I know will splash a fortune on a pair of shoes, whereas the lads would prefer to wear theirs till holes appear.

 

On a night out though, they're always the last to put their hand in their pocket (or whatever they do).

 

Could be a split on that one.

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Some truisms there like. My favourite, which is definitely true:

 

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

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Men are happier because....

 

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress £1000. Suit rental £100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack.

Two pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

 

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

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Guest alex
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look

 

I would like to contest that one. Men SHOULD NOT wear shorts unless playing sport, or swimming. No matter how their legs look

57542[/snapback]

Unless they're students, then you have to go to the local in your football shorts even if it's snowing.

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You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look

 

I would like to contest that one. Men SHOULD NOT wear shorts unless playing sport, or swimming. No matter how their legs look

57542[/snapback]

Unless they're students, then you have to go to the local in your football shorts even if it's snowing.

57561[/snapback]

 

 

But with a scarf no doubt

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