Alex 30260 Posted December 4, 2014 Share Posted December 4, 2014 The secret diary of Lee Ryder aged 44 and a half. Btw, I dread to think what the opposition must be like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 26627 Posted December 4, 2014 Share Posted December 4, 2014 Btw, I dread to think what the opposition must be like. The secret diary of Doug Thomson aged 26 and a bit 04/12/2014 Dearest diary, as I awoke from my slumber, the crack in my curtains showed how the former industrial Yorkshire town of Huddersfield looked as bleak as ever although it did take me back to my formative years of attending the Terriers games and the local Bobby informing travelling Newcastle folk that they couldn't 'take banner t'ground'. As I was saying it was a bleak day as I typed up Chris Powell's plans to get Huddersfield Town another three points on Saturday and then I made my way home for the day, watched the ten O'clock news which had a particularly interesting piece on the regeneration of parts of the North before retiring to bed. I then realised I hadn't put the cat out! How I grinned at the poor things forlorn face as it thought it was staying in for the night. Eee bah gum, the life of a regional sports writer never ends! Cheerio. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howay 12451 Posted December 4, 2014 Share Posted December 4, 2014 That picture next to his age ffs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 26627 Posted December 6, 2014 Share Posted December 6, 2014 Newcastle United Manager Alan Pardew four years on - A different gravy for Kuqi Newcastle players delight at Kuqi's big discovery over a Sunday roast highlighted the camaraderie installed by Pardew I was there the moment that Shefki Kuqi fell in love with gravy. At a players’ function the former Newcastle United man tucked into his Sunday roast and suddenly stopped flowing conversations between team-mates around the dinner table to ask: “What is this sauce? “It is fantastic!” The Toon players laughed with him as he beamed with delight at his discovery following his free transfer move to the club in the early part of 2011 In truth, players are a lot more educated, selected and cautious around some journalists, but it’s a notion that they don’t mix with the media at all and Gravy-gate is a fine example of the camaraderie built by Alan Pardew when a good day was enjoyed by all. http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/sport/sport-opinion/newcastle-united-manager-alan-pardew-8230008 The secret diary of Lee Ryder aged 44 and a half. 06/12/2014 Sometimes you get a little niggle, something that just won't go away like a bit like the towering centre-half colossal once of the parish of St. James' Park, Jonathon Woodgate and his never ending injuries. My niggle though, was a Sun reporter coming into my patch and getting the Perez fish and chips story a few days before ah sussed it. Sure, that reporter didn't get the Trinity Mirror regional sports writer of the year award like the Knight Ryder did, but he stepped on my toes a bit with the player/common touch story which ah know my loyal Chronicle readers fucking lap up. Anyways, was cracking on with Harps on the phone as ah was doing a bit on he CL days of Sir Bobby when he just happened to mention Shefki Kuqi and his amazing discovery of good old British gravy! Fucking magic! Not only a player/common touch story but a bit of retro added on for my readers pleasure! Ah'd already written the story in my head before Harps put the phone down, ah suppose that's what separates the men from the boys, the Lee Ryders from the Doug Thomsons of this World, the ability to stay one step ahead of the mugs, even The Sun would've killed for 'Gravy-Gate'. Ah typed it up in the Thomson House Nerve Centre and even managed to get invited forra few after work drinks with Gibbo, Micky Quinn and my old mentor, Anal Oliver who was up for the day, these prestijus, prestigias, these important awards already starting to open up the doors and Ryder has his foot well and truly jammed in it! Ah'm gannin fucking neewhere, pet, as the Journalistic sports salesman says to the housewife Sky Sports recruitment lass for 'Sunday Supplement'. Laters, diary, Always looking ahead apart from my retro stuff, Ryder and out! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayatollah Hermione 12737 Posted December 6, 2014 Share Posted December 6, 2014 these are class but I can't think you're doing yourself some real damage reading Lee Ryder every day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 26627 Posted December 6, 2014 Share Posted December 6, 2014 these are class but I can't think you're doing yourself some real damage reading Lee Ryder every day. Every day? No, I'm just not that strong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ewerk 26192 Posted December 6, 2014 Share Posted December 6, 2014 Looks like the ban has been lifted on the local journos. You can't ban Trinity Mirror's Regional Sportswriter of the Year. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howay 12451 Posted December 6, 2014 Share Posted December 6, 2014 the Knight Ryder Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38598 Posted December 6, 2014 Share Posted December 6, 2014 Gravy gate. Caulkin must be getting nervous. The Knight Ryder is coming for him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gemmill 34196 Posted December 6, 2014 Share Posted December 6, 2014 Incredible that that's a real article about fucking gravy. Even more incredible that Kuqi was in England 10 years before having gravy. How did you live in Stockport or Blackburn and not eat something in gravy ffs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kid Dynamite 5890 Posted December 8, 2014 Share Posted December 8, 2014 I genuinely thought that gravy article was the parody version Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alex 30260 Posted December 8, 2014 Share Posted December 8, 2014 It's funny enough that it's about gravy but I find it funnier how he's dubbed it 'Gravy-gate', as it shows a complete lack of knowledge as to what adding the suffix 'gate' to something actually refers to. Professional journalist ffs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David Kelly 1115 Posted December 8, 2014 Share Posted December 8, 2014 He's got to have been told about this now. There's surely no way even he would have called gravy-gate other wise. Even he can't be that much of a fuckwit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayatollah Hermione 12737 Posted December 8, 2014 Share Posted December 8, 2014 He's got to have been told about this now. There's surely no way even he would have called gravy-gate other wise. Even he can't be that much of a fuckwit. He's definitely aware of his reputation on places like this and Twitter. This place because he must read it (Hello, Lee) and Twitter because Stevie tells him every 15 minutes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
McFaul 35 Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 the Knight Ryder I thieved your picture for my twitter account. I love one of the stories he's written about today, not even read it yet, but the headline reads THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY. It staggers me he has the balls to put the word ugly in a headline given his face. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Gloom 19750 Posted December 15, 2014 Share Posted December 15, 2014 Newcastle United unlikely to make a move for Queens Park Rangers striker Charlie Austin http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/sport/football/transfer-news/newcastle-united-unlikely-make-move-8288358?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=twitter .... following in the footsteps of his mentor, alan "wide of the mark' oliver here like. what a nothing story. i can't wait to read who we're not going to sign next. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 26627 Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 Lee Ryder argues that Newcastle United's season could be over in January if they aren't careful after another defeat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 26627 Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 (edited) The secret diary of Lee Ryder aged 44 and a half. 27/12/2014 Thought ah'd have a bit of a catch up, diary, like a toon win and some sexual interflora, it's been a while, like. Anyways, where to start? Well, when you win prestijus, prestigias, important awards, there's only so long the club can ignore you and so it turned out. Ah was sitting in the house after a long day chasing up retro NUFC stories with Ollies little black book of desperation contacts, (Billy Askew, Bald Eagle, Quinny and McGhee keeping the Chronicle sports pages ticking over), when the phone went. Ah quickly pulled me kegs up and turned the lap top off and answered it. "Hello, Trinity Mirror Regional sports writer of the year, Ryder speaking." Ah says. "Hi Lee, It's Wendy Taylor, hope i'm not interrupting you?" Fuck me! Wendy! And she's only phoning me at home! My receding semi started perking right up at the sound of her voice! The blonde bombshell of SJP almost had my eye from Japan weeping on the spot! Ah dived straight in to the point, "Err, hello, Wendy, errr, really good to hear you, err, from you, ah was err, wondering, well just if you want to, err, ah mean it doesn't matter like, err, if you don't, ah mean, mebbee, after work we could mebbee, err....." Ah hadn't quite finished when she piped up, "Sorry to inturrupt Lee, but my boyfriends waiting for me in the club foyer, just to let you know you're allowed back to club games and events, There'll be an e-mail with details about what you can and can't report but we expect more pro-NUFC writing fom now on." Fucking shit and fucking great all at once, ah knows she's a good looking lass and will be wanted but ah'll just see how it goes if she gets sick of her lad, but putting the fanny to one side forra second, Ah'm back! Back in the groove, the one they couldn't contain or hold, ah'm back at St. James' Park, back with the CURRENT players again, the clear and present danger is back! Obviously ah have one eye on my first explosive piece post ban, it has has to be cutting for ma loyal Chronicle readers but with a nod to Wendy's instructions. Ah gets on to Jack Colback and before you can say, "Ah'm coming, Wendy!", ah have a 'Let's stick together, lads' story from the Killingworth Pirlo of Gingerness. Ah get a couple of soundbites about Pards and how much the players love him and ah end off with a 'Mike stabilising the club' piece. Obviously ah have to keep my journalistic credibility so ah mentions that Mike might not be that popular amongst certain sections of the support but the club will just have to like it or lump it, ah'm no club stooge, after all! Ah order an extra hot vindaloo pizza to celebrate and wash it down with some of Stella's finest bottles of liquid gold. Ryder is back, hello, hello! Edited December 27, 2014 by Howmanheyman Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaddockLad 14529 Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 "sexual intetflora" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayatollah Hermione 12737 Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 Re-reading this thread and I'm in bits. Highlight is this from a chat log from Stevie (14:36):pmsl ahahahhaha fuckin baald cunt oh sorry you're bald as well arent you? :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom 13820 Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alex 30260 Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 Another awesome instalment I fucking hope he reads these. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 26627 Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 (edited) Newcastle United players are understood to be shocked by Alan Pardew's switch to Crystal Palace. Toon players were on a scheduled day off yesterday after their 3-2 win over Everton on Sunday night. But as news of Pardew’s talks with Palace began to filter on Monday afternoon, the Londoner had gave no inkling to his troops that he was poised to take over at Selhurst Park. A Toon source said: “The gaffer had still been in game mode on Sunday. “He was desperate to win the game and put the run of defeats behind him. “A lot of players are shocked and saddened by talk of him leaving.” http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/sport/football/football-news/newcastle-united-players-shocked-alan-8359184 The secret diary of Lee Ryder aged 44 and a half. 29/12/2014 Wow, just wow, never any real quiet days round the monster that is Newcastle United football club and today it just got bigger and more explosive. Pards is leaving! Ah got a call from my nark, Remi Streete, he said I needed to get down to the Tyne Bridge ASAP! Ah nearly told him that ah'm unbanned now so would be frying bigger fish than Remi but my journalistic super senses kicked in like a late tackle from the Yorkshire terrier of the entertainer years, one Mr David Batty. Ah hang up on the Mag starlet and hotfoot it down to the Tyne Bridge quicker than Craig Bellamy did out the foyer of St. James' with big Al close behind, face contorted with anger. Ah gets closer and closer to the middle of the bridge and ah hears the soothing Geordie voice of Toon coach, John 'Carvs' Carver talking to a pair of slumped over players who were gently sobbing. Ah hides behind a girder and listened in, not gentlemanly conduct, not something Carvs old boss, Sir Bobby would condone, but you don't get the Trinity Mirror groups regional sportswriter of the year by being Mr Nice Guy. Ah hears Carvs say to one player who I won't name in print, "Hey iron man, divvent worry, man! Ah'l be bound to be in temporary charge forra while, you might still get a game, man, divvent fret, son." Willo replied, "I aint frettening nobody, Coach, I aint got it in me. I'm a good boy, so my old mum would say". Carvs just replies, "Nar, man! Not 'threat', Ah meant 'Fret', y'knaa, worry, like. Son, you're going to have to get used to talking English again now that Pards is fucking off." Wow!!! Pards is fucking off!!! unbelievable! No sooner is Ryder back in the fold then the King is dead! Ah had a feeling he'd be worried about me presence back in the press room but ah thought he'd show a bit more fight than that. Ah suppose ah kinda underestimate the powerful position ah have in the North-East media. Anyway, just as ah'm about to leave ah hear a French voice cry out, "But Coach John, a 'ave no chance of playing in ze team now. Oooo in their right mind will pick me? I do not score le goals, i do mark my players so well, I am in a bad moment and have been merde for fucking months, mon ami, I am finished! Finished I tell you!" before crying uncontrollably. Again Carvs soothing voice tried to calm down the distraught United star. "Gouffs, son. You'll play again, man, i'm sure you will. Don't let it get to you, man. Howay, let's head back home." Ah quickly legs it out the way and get back to Thompson House HQ before Carver spots iz, wouldn't want a dig off him, like. Fair enough, Ah'd take him, but he might be the next boss man of the Cathedral on the hill, never burn your bridges Ollie once said, that's as a good excuse as any. Ah gets back and break the news to ma loyal readers that'll blow them away and light the fuse on the blue touch paper of Geordie TNT! Ryder and out. Edited December 30, 2014 by Howmanheyman Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom 13820 Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 Amazing Cracked up at 'Willo replied'' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StoneColdStephenIreland 74 Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 Absolute masterpieces these mind Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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