Dr Gloom 19741 Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 jesus christ, another buzzfeed-inspired list of nonsense. http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/sport/football/football-news/five-things-newcastle-united-players-8736820?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=twitter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David Kelly 1115 Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Seriously, can he count past five? Some of the shite he gets in that paper (is that actually in the paper or just on the website?) is nothing better (in fact it's a lot worse) than countless blogs out there done by amateurs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClubSpinDoctor 0 Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Rather than at least make a challenge or make Toure play the ball a meek jog from Gouffran before being shown a clean pair of heels during the 5-0 loss left fans in the away section looking bemused at the Etihad Stadium. whaaaaaaat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trophyshy 6432 Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Not right now it would seem, right now. I think he's alcoholic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Gloom 19741 Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 whaaaaaaat now what I want to know is what were they looking at? Floodlights? The roof? Dugouts? What was it that was so bemusing? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38573 Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 I think he's alcoholic. He would be if he could spell it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kitman 2188 Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 alcer, alcy, erm pissheed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38573 Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 26625 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 The secret diary of Lee Ryder aged 44 and a half. 01/03/2015 Well diary, writing this later than ah originally planned as ah had an inpromptoo, impropererlyytoo, err, unprepared interview as ah left the North East Media nerve centre in the Bigg Market yesterday. Ah had a camera pushed in me face as ah left Thomson House after penning the match report about Carvs heroes as they dished up a sweet dish of ice cold revenge on Aston Villa which ah maximised to the full about their part in THAT game at Villa Park back in 2009. Anyways, as ah was leaving the building ah noticed the bigg Market was a bit busier than normal with a few bizzies flying about. Ah was approached by this lass with a microphone, not sure who she was, like, but she was making a beeline for yours truly so she obviously recognised me. Ah noticed a BBC cameraman with her so thought she must want my take on the game and maybe something more as well ah reckoned as ah quickly checked me pockets for me Chronicle cards with me number on it so she could phone iz later for a real one to one. She goes up to iz and asks, "Can I have a quick chat? A quick interview about today?" Ah replies that she could chat anytime she wanted and straight away the Ryder charm kicked in with full effect. "Okay", she said, continuing on with "What do you think today will accomplish and what is it it against Islam you have?" Ah scratched me head as even ah thought that was a daft question about the game but you just can't knock the Knight Ryder and ah hit straight back with me telling her ah had nowt against Islam as long as the Toon hotshot from Senegal, one Papiss Cisse, the number nine hitman continued hitting winners for Carvs lads. She then looked a bit bewildered but carried on, ah obviously linked her Muslim question to the Toon too quick for her and she must've been a bit amazed how quick ah am. She then says, "Why is it that Pegida seems to attract so many skinheads like yourself?" "Pegida?" Ah says, "Is that the new bar doon by the Quayside? Ah'm attracted to any bar to be honest, pet, as long as their rammed with the fine female forms of lasses like your good self." ah says laying the Ryder patter on like a fucking trowel. She then looked confused again and thanked me for my time before moving onto another skinhead who had a St George flag wrapped round his waist. Strange ah thought, ah divvent think he works for the Ronny Gill or Journal, what does she want his views for? Ah then hot footed it to a public phone box as had a letter telling me to go there for some incredible info on the next manager of the Cathedral on the hill of the Gallowgate end. Ah gets to the phone at the appointmen, appointy, at the time they'd said. The phone rang and ah picked up on the third ring as they telt iz to do. "Hello, it's Ryder, award winning sports journalist. Talk to me." The voice said, "Allo allo! Listen carefully, I shall say zis only wernce. Remi Garde was at ze Etihad for ze Man City versus Newcastle game. Please inform your readers, Monsieur Ryder." Ah began to tell him he was too late as ah had ALREADY done that and kept my loyal readers up to date with the news he was spotted although ah never mentioned that every fucka watching on Sky knew it as their cameras spotted him but ah knaa that my readers want to hear the Ryder take on things so ah put it on the back page anyway as a filler story in between me Sir Les piece about how KK's entertainers came so close to gory in THAT season back in '96. Ah wondered who the voice was and was going to ask but the Frog hung up on me. Strange times but ah keep on delivering for my loyal punters as per normal, right on the fucking button. Ryder and out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClubSpinDoctor 0 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 And fresh from his article that everyone had already seen on Sky, here's last night's MOTD piece http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/sport/football/football-news/alan-shearer-gets-one-over-8745021 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StoneColdStephenIreland 74 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClubSpinDoctor 0 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/sport/football/football-news/newcastle-united-were-right-decision-8743229 That fucking headline man not Ryder but he's the chief so... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38573 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Is that written by our very own Joe Allon, terror of many a reserve team? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 26625 Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 The secret diary of Lee Ryder aged 44 and a half. 06/03/2015 Wow diary, just when you think things are just trudging along you get a little reminder of the mad world of Newcastle United and how things are never dull. As if playing the other pretenders who would be United from Manchester wasn't enough we get the explosive story of 'Spit-gate'. Every fuckers on this one from the local lads to the nationals to the entire world of football! Jonny Evans spitting at the Toon's Senegal hitman, Papiss Cisse who then spits back in barely concealed anger! Ah'm on this one quicker than an African cheetah chasing a rabbit or whatever it is they chase, ah divven knaa, a meerkat or something like that, but you canna compare me to a meerkat, market or even a mere cunt like Shaun Custis when there's a boiling hot story involving the black & white heroes of Tyneside! Ah quickly decide that ah have to go with another angle on this as Cisse quickly apologises and the club leave it at that with no more questions. The Manc wankers just tell me to fuck off when ah phone Old Trafford only saying that Jonny is a lovely boy who didn't do it on purpose and is too busy visiting orphanages in Salford and helping Grannies cross the road to the Arndale centre to do anything as rotten as spitting. Ah decide to give The Chronicle's entertainment editor, Gordon Barr a quick ring. Ah says to him, "How, Gordon! It's Lee Ryder, here! Can you help iz a minute, mate?" Barr answers back, "Lee, man! I told you, Elton John hasn't released any dates yet for the arena and even if we get any complimentary tickets, they have to go the readers as competition prizes!" Ah sharp puts him in my Spit-gate picture, "Nar, Gordon, ah'm not after them tickets any more, ah'm needing a showbiz number, mate. Can you help?" He replies, "Ok, Lee, I'll see what I can do. Hit me with it." Ah then blurts out the name ah want. Barr goes quiet and tells me it'll be tough but they might have the number ah want. He adds, "He's been off the radar for a bit, but I'm sure he played South Shields pier a couple of years back in one of their free shows." Ten minutes later Gordon comes up trumps and once again ah love the contacts you can get in the Ronny Gill, from crime reporters to entertainment, there's always someone there to pull some strings. After half an hour, ah ring the number Barr gave iz. "Hello? Bob here. Who's speaking?" said the Moustachioed entertainer from the eighties. Ah says to him, "Hallo Mr Carolgees, It's Lee Ryder from the Newcastle Chronicle, can you give me some idea of what drives someone to spit? Ah knaa you were huge back in the day mate, what drove Spit the dog to spit?" He then got really angry and accused iz of taking the piss before crying and telling me he was forever typecast and even celebrity Big Brother told him to fuck off when he was thinking of a comeback in the showbiz world. Ah thought to meself that ah was ganna get nee joy here so ah thought of another Geordie connection to the spit-gate scandal that was the talk of not just the Toon but the world. Ah remembered Rudi Voller and Frank Rijkaard having a spitting scandal back in Italia '90, so ah decides to drive up to Jackie Charlton's house in Northumberland to ask him what he thought as ah remember Jackie was on the telly as a pundit and said he'd have chinned Rijkaard if he'd tried that to him. Ah got up his front drive but started to get shot at so ah quickly used my hard won experience in battles as a Toon Army foot soldier and took evasive action a bit like that time when ah was in 'Nam against the Zulu's of St Andrews, those brummie hoolies were nee mugs and all big cunts, like. Anyways, ah shouted what was gannin on? Then ah saw a flat capped old bloke with a wax jacket on and a shot gun in his hand. It was Charlton! He said, "Get off my laind! Ah've a shotgurn in ma haind and ah'll blur yer heed off ya bugger, ya! You better not be after me fish in me back garden Are you a Toonie? Divven trust you buggers! Ah'll set the Durg on ya! Get off me property!" Ah couldn't get a word in and Jackie was gannin beserk with the old shotgun so ah decided to call it a day and just settle for a 'Five things we learned from spitting at each other' in the back pages of the Chronicle. Ah tried a different tack but me loyal readers are usually happy with what they know, ah knaa they'll lap up the 'five things' crack so as usual ah give them what they want, the Knight Ryder, the people's Champion. Ryder and out! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Face 29 Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 what drove Spit the dog to spit? :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alex 30253 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I could imagine 'Big Jack' saying that as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 26625 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 (edited) http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/sport/football/football-news/steve-harper-feels-jonas-gutierrez-8806067? The secret diary of Lee Ryder aged 44 and a half. 10/03/2015 Mixed day yesterday, diary. Firsts off ah heads up to the training ground to see ex Toon stopper supremo, one Steven Harper, the twenty year NUFC man hand a cheque over to Jonas for £2,500 to go to a cancer charity and it was all good, a great touch by Harps and a piss easy story to fill me back page, it got even better as ah tapped Harps forran interview later on to talk of his underpants company, 'Oddballs', it's charity, 'Ballboys', his memories of Jonas and any other retro stuff the shotstopper could think of. Harps was cush and we ended up meeting at the Royal Station Hotel for a pint and an interview. Ah was getting some black & white gold dust retro stories from Harps when a voice interrupted us. "Oi, oi!" It said as ah looked up to see who it was. "Alreet 6-3-3? Ah didn't knaa you hung oot with Stevie Harper! Remember me?" It was Rob Harwood from me old school! Ah went a bit red and says, "Alright Harwood, what you deeing, like?" He then says ah didn't notice much forra journalist as he had a great big badge on with his name and the Hotel's name on it. It turned out he worked at their bar and was collecting some glasses. He tells Harps we went to school together and laughs that we once were enemies before getting an autograph off the NUFC legend for his bairn and going back behind the bar. Ah finished up me pissbaall easy story and went home for the day. That night ah was dreaming of a good looking young blonde lad at school with a flick haircut proudly showing one of his pals his pannini football sticker album, "Look, look, Mala! Ah've got the Newcastle badge!" As his pal Mala looked on there came the sound of a group of other kids lead by a young Harwood. The blonde kid turns around as Harwood says, "Urrrrghhhhh!!!!! Look at Ryder's arse!!!! there's a damp patch!!! Urrrrggghhhh!!!!!" then all the kids started laughing. Ah turned around and ah could see the slightest damp patch where ah'd sat on a bit of spilled pop. "Look at it! He must've shit himself!" said Harwood to more laughter. He gans on, "Look at all the flies! Look at all the midgies roond his shitty arse!! The last time ah seen that many mosquitoes in a flying formation ah was watching '6-3-3 Squadron' on the telly!" Once again everyone pissed themselves laughing at the blonde kid. "Ah knaa! Let's start calling Ryder 6-3-3! Alreet 6-3-3? How's the midgies getting on? can they smell your shitty arse?" Next thing the blonde kid lunged at Harwood and the fists started flying from the pair of them! Ah woke up with a sweat on, all red faced and shook me fist to the window and shouted, "Aye! Fuck you, Harwood! Yee collect your glasses in your pokey hotel bar and serve pissed cunts while ah interview Toon legends and win prestiju, prestigieeu, err, famous media awards!" Ah then lied back down and turned over, grinned to meself and then slept like a fucking log. That'll teach the cunt! Ryder and out! Edited March 10, 2015 by Howmanheyman Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonatine 9941 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ewerk 26191 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 A fantastic insight into the great man's upbringing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 26625 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 (edited) It's a good job I found his diary lying outside Thomson House! Edited March 10, 2015 by Howmanheyman Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alex 30253 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Too close to the bone for Ryder I suspect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38573 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 6-3-3. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howay 12447 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Mala gets me everytime and the daft shite does fuck all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kitman 2188 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 26625 Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/sport/football/football-news/siem-de-jong-announces-back-8868481? The secret diary of Lee Ryder aged 44 and a half. 19/03/2015 Well diary, sometimes these so-called superstar footballers get a bit too big for their expensively sponsored boots, sometimes they get a bad press for being millionaire playboys who smoke cigars lighted by twenty pound notes. Sometimes. But today ah had the great pleasure of seeing Toon legends giving something back to the community when ah saw Coach Carvs, El Capo Colo and Jonas visiting some sick patients at the Royal Victoria Infirmary. Abouts ten bells this morning me phone rang and when ah picked it up it was me old mate, Cockeyed Mala on the other end. "How, Lee!" He said, "Guess who ah've just seen coming doon the ward?" Mala was a hospital porter in the RVI and ah first of all started to think that someone we knew must have been in a accident when he blurted out that the new head coach of the cathedral on the hill and his two Argie superstars were walking past him. Quicker than a Sir Bobby Robson anecdote from Coach Carver, ah was rund there like a shot. Ah followed the directions Mala gave iz and just hoped he hadn't got the 6 and 9 mixed up with his questionable vision and before long ended up on ward 69. Right enough there at the end of the ward was the three NUFC legends doing their bit to bring joy to ordinary punters who were in hospital and feeling very poorly. Ah'd already grabbed a Doctor's white coat and steffas, stephers, err, hearing thingy to put rund me neck as ah went past a cloak room and put me false glasses on and pretended to look at the patients details whilst secretly recording their encouraging craic to the poor cunt in the bed. Carvs started talking first, he gans, "Hey, chin up kidda Ah've brought Jonas and Colo to see you! Are you keeping well? You look really good!" Our coach politely lied to the poor looking wretch in the bed. The lad wanly smiled back but looked proper fucked, like. Jonas then piped up, "Hey, amigo, I beat thees cajones cancer, you can get better too! You must believe!" Again the skeletal patient smiled and slowly but painfully lifted his thump up to the Toon's super Spiderman hero. Next up our stupidly banned Argentinian Capitano decided to lead by example and said, "You get a bit better and you shall play with us on the saint Jaimies peetch." Ah'm a hard hearted reporter at times but ah nearly welled up at Colo promising the lad a run out with the team if he got better which was a lovely touch but as ah looked at the kid ah wondered how long he had left as he looked in a bad way. The lad took off his oxygen mask and whispered, "For shure, I feel like am getting better by the day, already I can breathe without it hurting." Ah thought he must be an asylum seeker as he didn't sound Geordie to me. Colo then said, "I heard Senor Charnally say that you would be like a new signing!" Carvs then jumped in, "Aye, that's right, Siem, Ah've been told by Lee Charnley to let the press know that you'll be a great lift to the team when you finally get fit again. A new signing is EXACTLY what you'll be like, bonny lad!" Siem!!! Fuck me! Ah looked at the kid then had a proper look at his hospital papers on the clip board ah was holding. Right enough, there it was at the top, his name, one Siem De Jong, once of Ajax of Amsterdam, now of the Royal Victoria Infirmary's first eleven! Ah got back to Thomson House HQ and then wrote up a report of Siem saying he was back in training and raring to go and reckoned he'd play again before the season finished! It was fantastic news for the Toon Army and ma loyal readers who, as always, got it straight from their main man, the trinity mirror group regional sports writer of the year, Lee Ryder esq. If it's about NUFC, Ryders got it covered! Lol. Laters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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