Brock Manson 0 Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 Why does Ariel wear seashells? She can't fill out d shells. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Carr's Gloves 3193 Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 New Star Trek Sequel announced. It's called. Select * From USS_Enterprise Where captain = Kirk; Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NYD 0 Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives. "Look," he said. "My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small size] a 320[medium size] or a 330[large size]. The word condom won’t even be used. The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350". The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament. "Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her. She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes "!!!! She said “He’s got one hanging there"....! The boss said "Go back in and give him £3-50......................He's the Window cleaner" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
noaliasmike 0 Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 New Star Trek Sequel announced. It's called. Select * From USS_Enterprise Where captain = Kirk; Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tooner 243 Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads: COLD BEER: $5.00 HAMBURGER: $10.00 CHEESEBURGER: $15.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50 HAND JOB: $250.00 Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you sir?” The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?” She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.” The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 26749 Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 Thanks to '50 Shades of Grey', my wife's Kindle now smells like 50 tins of tuna. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NYD 0 Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 Las Vegas and sunderland don't have much in common, but they are the only two places in the world you can pay for sex with chips. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38710 Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tooj 17 Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 I gave the wife an orgasm the other night. The ungrateful bitch spat it out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38710 Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 All the lads at work have promised to have their bait at 12.07 and 43 seconds precisely on Monday. Pact lunch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest CabayeAye Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 So, here I am sat in the internet café next to a big ugly African man who is reading every word I ty Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 26749 Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 I rang babestation the other night: a woman answers and says "hi sexy what can I do for you?" I said "fucking hide, my wifes coming and I've lost the remote!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kid Dynamite 5900 Posted July 15, 2012 Share Posted July 15, 2012 (edited) Borderline!!!!! I'm sorry like but that's a fully paid up book stamped mackem, but any definition. Fair enough we'll let Chester Le Street and Durham off cos there's more toon fans and they're nearer here, but Penshaw!!! FFS. While we're on about Wearside, why do mackems and people from South of Gateshead, call Chester Le Street, Chester Luh Street, when quite clearly Chester Lee Street is the correct way of pronouncing it. Just seen this. This is getting bookmarked lol: it is pronounced Chesterley street btw Edited July 15, 2012 by J69 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BenarPHa 0 Posted July 15, 2012 Share Posted July 15, 2012 How does a mathematician deal with constipation? He works it out with a pencil. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ADP 0 Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ADP 0 Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 ^ hOWAy man that's comedy gold! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest CabayeAye Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 ^ hOWAy man that's comedy gold! Hadaway and shite, man! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christmas Tree 3997 Posted August 30, 2012 Share Posted August 30, 2012 My mate showed me how to unlock any Apple device. It was a real iOpener. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christmas Tree 3997 Posted August 30, 2012 Share Posted August 30, 2012 I'm worried about the England cricket team. First Kevin Pietersen was dropped, and now Andrew Strauss has resigned. At this rate, it won't be long before we have to start picking English players. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 26749 Posted September 29, 2012 Share Posted September 29, 2012 An octopus walks into a bar and starts bragging how good a musician he is. Englishman decides to call his bluff, "See that piano over there? Play 'Minuet in G', by Johann Sebastian Bach, then" The octopus does so brilliantly. Irishman says, "See that guitar? play 'Layla' by Derek and the Dominos" The octopus does a superb job on it before smugly smiling to his audience. Scotsman says, "See those bagpipes over yonder? Lets see you manage that" The octopus just stares dumbfounded. "Aye, thought youd struggle there. Cannae play it, son?" The Scotsman says with a smile. The octopus replies, "Play it? When I rip it's tartan jarmies off I'm gonna fucking ride the cute little arse off it!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wolfy 12 Posted September 29, 2012 Share Posted September 29, 2012 The Pope goes to a restaurant and says to the waiter, ' can I have a rare steak please.' The waiter shouts, 'one bloody steak for the Pope.' The Pope gets all angry and gives the waiter a right telling off for swearing but the waiter explains that a rare steak is known as a bloody steak and it's not swearing. The Pope thanks the waiter and apologises for thinking he swore and trots off, remembering how to order any future steaks. A week passes by and the Pope has a young priest in tow and takes him to the restaurant. The Pope decides to smugly show the young priest how to order, so the Pope shouts over to the waiter....'waiter, could I have a bloody steak please'.... The young priest appears shocked but thinks, what the hell and shouts....'me too, with lashings of fucking chips on the side.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NYD 0 Posted September 29, 2012 Share Posted September 29, 2012 I went to see the Red Arrows last weekend . There were gasps of "Ooh" and "Aah" as the crowds watched on in amazement. Near miss after near miss had some people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief. It was a good half hour's worth of entertainment, but in the end, my wife finally managed to park the car and we made our way to the air show. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NYD 0 Posted September 29, 2012 Share Posted September 29, 2012 Missus left a note on the fridge saying: "It's no good, it's not working. I'm staying at mum's for a while". I opened it, the light came on and the beer was suitably chilled. Fuck knows what she was on about... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NYD 0 Posted September 29, 2012 Share Posted September 29, 2012 Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meenzer 14030 Posted September 29, 2012 Share Posted September 29, 2012 Missus left a note on the fridge saying: "It's no good, it's not working. I'm staying at mum's for a while". I opened it, the light came on and the beer was suitably chilled. Fuck knows what she was on about... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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