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if you heard a joke today, post it


Dr Gloom
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So, Mrs.F dropped a bomb today- she wants a divorce. 

She says I’m just stumbling through life with no sense of direction. 

I wasn’t having it, so I packed my bags and right. 

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I went to the doctors today as I’m a bit worried that I’ve got hearing problems. 

He asked my to describe the symptoms. 

I said “ Well, Homer’s a fat bloke and Marge has got blue hair.”

 

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the three bears came home from a walk in the woods and noticed someone had broken in. 

mr bear said "someone's been eating my porridge", mrs bear said "someone's been eating my porridge too!"

the little bear said "fuck the porridge, someone's nicked the telly!" 

 

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4 minutes ago, Dr Gloom said:

what do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

...an irrelephant

:lol: Terrible. So bad it's good

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I don’t think I’ve posted my all-time favourite joke yet this year. 

Vincent Van Gogh is having a pint.

In walks his mate, Gauguin, who says,

” Alreet Vinny, fancy a pint?”

Vincent says,

” No thanks, I’ve got one ‘ere.”

:rimshot:

 

 

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21 minutes ago, Alex said:

:lol: Terrible. So bad it's good

proper dad joke :lol:

the three bears one came from my seven year old boy. i added the profanity 

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Paddy goes for a job, the interviewer asks him to give his full name. Paddy answers, "Sortanly sor, it's Patrick Mulligan-Flaherty', sor."

"How do you spell that?" Asks the interviewer. "Stick the fucking job up your arse!" Replies Paddy.

"Ok, we'll skip that one for now." Says the interviewer, "Can you lay bricks?" He adds.

"No." Says Paddy.

"Are you any good at joinery?" The interviewer enquiries.

"No." Say Paddy

"Any general building skills at all?" The interviewer asks.

"Not really, sor."

The interviewer scratches his head and says, "This job is for a school handyman. How the hell are you handy?"

Paddy replies, "Oi just live round the corner, sor!"

 

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4 hours ago, wykikitoon said:

Scottish guy goes into a cake shop

Lass serving says all cakes are £1
Guy says 'Ill have that one'
'Thats £2'
'£2? Why?'
'Thats Madeira Cake'

 

Sane guy goes into the bakers again and starts perusing what's on offer under the glass...

Sees something he likes so asked the lass

"Is that a doughnut or a meringue?" 

 

"No, you're right, it's a doughnut" 

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On 20/09/2018 at 17:01, Monkeys Fist said:

Bloke walks in to a bakery with a salmon under his arm,

” Do you do fish cakes?”

” No, sorry, we don’t ” says the baker. 

“ Shame.…” says the bloke, pointing at the Salmon. 

“It’s his birthday”. 

:lol:

 

Not sure if I've posted it before but.....

 

Queen Victoria gets shown around the field hospital in some far flung part of the empire to boost the morale of the wounded soldiers, a finely moustachioed Sergeant Major showing her around. 

 

(Wails, moans!)

 

QV: "Oh my goodness! What is wrong with this poor fellow?"

 

SM: (Shouting) "Hemorrhoids, Ma'am!"

 

QV: "Oh dear. What is the medical treatment, Sergeant Major?"

 

SM: (Shouting) "Wire brush and dettol, Ma'am! Scrub it out of 'em!"

 

QV: "Oh dear, that sounds very painful. What are your hopes my good man?"

 

Groaning Soldier: "Arrgh! Nnnnnn! To, (gasp) get better and, arghh....fight for Queen and country, your Majesty."

 

QV: "ooh that's so nice of you, here's a medal for your bravery."

 

She pins a medal on his chest and moves to the next bed.

 

(More wails, moans and groans).

 

QV: "Oh my goodness! What is wrong with this poor chap?"

 

SM: (Shouting) "Crabs, Ma'am!"

 

QV: "Oh my goodness. What is the medical treatment, Sergeant Major?"

 

SM: (Shouting) "Wire brush and dettol, Ma'am! Scrub it out of 'em!"

 

QV: "Oh dear, that sounds very painful. What are your hopes my good man?"

 

2nd Groaning Soldier: "Arrgh! Nnnnnn! To, (gasp) get better and, arghh....fight for Queen and country, your Majesty."

 

QV: "ooh that's so nice of you too! Here's a well deserved medal for your bravery."

 

She then moves on to the end bed and Wee Paddy of the Irish Guards.

 

 

(More wails, moans and groans).

 

QV: "Oh my goodness! What is wrong with this poor fellow? He doesn't look too well at all!"

 

SM: (Shouting) "Tonsillitis, Ma'am!"

 

QV: "Oh dear. What is the medical treatment, Sergeant Major?"

 

SM: (Shouting) "Wire brush and dettol, Ma'am! Scrub it out of 'em!"

 

QV: "Oh that sounds so very painful. What are your hopes my good man?"

 

Paddy of the Irish Guards: "Arrgh! Nnnnnn! To, (gasp) get, (arrrgh) the wire brush and dettol before them Dorty bastards, Ma'am!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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