Meenzer 13920 Posted May 6, 2020 Share Posted May 6, 2020 4 hours ago, Ayatollah Hermione said: What’s a scared Japanese bloke’s favourite ice cream? IT’S VANILLA (Godzilla)!!! Straight out of the Man's Daddy collection, that. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38499 Posted May 6, 2020 Share Posted May 6, 2020 Wtf? (Although I’m definitely nicking Bellender Carlisle.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Isegrim 8862 Posted May 9, 2020 Share Posted May 9, 2020 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 26578 Posted May 12, 2020 Share Posted May 12, 2020 Summer of 69 (Corona re-mix 2020) I got my first real virus thing Got it at five to nine Coughed up 'til my mucous bled Was the summer of Bat chow mein Me and some guys from school Had a band and we tried real hard. Jimmy quit, Jody got married I should've known we'd never get far Oh, when I look back now That summer seemed to last forever And if I had the choice Yeah, I'd never wanna be there Those were the worst days of my life Ain't no use in complainin' When you've got a job to do Spent my evenings down at the factory And that's when I met you, yeah Standin' on your mama's porch You told me that you'd wait forever Oh, and when you held my hand I knew that it wasn't very clever Those were the worst days of my life Oh, yeah. Back in the summer of Bat chow mein 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38499 Posted May 12, 2020 Share Posted May 12, 2020 Leported. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonatine 9907 Posted May 12, 2020 Share Posted May 12, 2020 Everything I do, I do it for some bat related flu 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38499 Posted May 12, 2020 Share Posted May 12, 2020 It’s Onry Rove. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tooner 243 Posted May 12, 2020 Share Posted May 12, 2020 i can only apologize again and again. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tdansmith 2064 Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 A gang has been caught making counterfeit Kipling Bakewell tarts. Police say they're exceedingly good fakes. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tdansmith 2064 Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 I've invented a new word....Plagiarism Anyone else invented a new word? No I thought so! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 26578 Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 A braggart racehorse is sitting bullshitting his heart out to a bored looking donkey. He did this, he did that, reckoned he'd won flats and jumping, the derby and the grand national. The donkey was getting a bit bored with it. Eventually the racehorse pauses and condescendingly says, 'I suppose you make a few quid on Blackpool beach, then?' The donkey pulls out his phone, and Google's 'Zebra' then shows it to the horse. 'Who's that, then?' the horse asks. The donkey replies, 'It's me when I won the champions League with Juventus' 👍 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38499 Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 What do you call a MLF cracking open the champagne? “ Waiter!” 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tdansmith 2064 Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, "Wow! That could have been me!" Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38499 Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 My grandmother won a prize recently for being the longest living comatose person who hasn’t moved a muscle in over 20 years. ( I say a prize, it was a trophy …) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meenzer 13920 Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Gloom 19714 Posted June 5, 2020 Author Share Posted June 5, 2020 I want to send a message to the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket. You can hide but you can’t run 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Gloom 19714 Posted June 5, 2020 Author Share Posted June 5, 2020 The other day my little boy asked me where poo comes from. "Well son," I said, knowing it was only a matter of time before I would have to deliver one of these awkward facts of life lessons. “Food passes down the esophagus by peristalsis. It enters the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal. This contracts the protein before waste enters the colon. Water is absorbed, whereupon it enters the rectum finally to emerge as poo." He said “wow, so where does Tigger come from?” 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38499 Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 That’s not even worth the gif. Cary Grant. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38499 Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 My lad asked me why I get so happy talking about the rotation of the earth. “ Well son, it just makes my day”. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Gloom 19714 Posted June 5, 2020 Author Share Posted June 5, 2020 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 26578 Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 A mackem runs home from school and excitedly tells his father that he beat all the Geordie kids at throwing the javelin in PE. 'That, Son, is because you're a mackem. Never forget it' his dad tells him, the lad's chest swelling with pride. Next week he runs home and excitedly tells his old man he came first in the 100 metres sprint, 'Ah beat al the Geordie Kids' he boasted. 'That, Son, is because you're a mackem. Never forget it' his dad again tells him, the lad's chest swelling with pride once more. Last week of term and once more the Mackem runs home all excited. 'Da, Da! A done PE again today! Ah was in the showers and my willy was bigger than al their willies! Is it because I'm a mackem, Da?' The father looks up from his paper, 'No son. It's because you're 48.' 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Fish 8926 Posted June 8, 2020 Share Posted June 8, 2020 As there now appears to be a Premier League Provisional Restart Date, I guess that will put an end to Newcastle's all time record of going 3 months in one season without dropping a point. Geddit? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38499 Posted June 8, 2020 Share Posted June 8, 2020 21 minutes ago, The Fish said: As there now appears to be a Premier League Provisional Restart Date, I guess that will put an end to Newcastle's all time record of going 3 months in one season without dropping a point. Geddit? Did you miss this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38499 Posted June 8, 2020 Share Posted June 8, 2020 I’ve got a doctor friend who really enjoys tapping his patient’s knees with a reflex hammer. Says he gets a kick out of it. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alex 30201 Posted June 8, 2020 Share Posted June 8, 2020 Get out! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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