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if you heard a joke today, post it


Dr Gloom
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Bus breaks down in the middle of the road, blocking traffic at rush hour. The driver has a look at the engine to see if there's anything he can do while waiting to get towed.  A woman in her garden notices the driver struggling without any tools and shouts over "do you want a screwdriver?" 

 

"not right now love, I'm trying to fix the bus" 

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55 minutes ago, Blastronaut said:

Bus breaks down in the middle of the road, blocking traffic at rush hour. The driver has a look at the engine to see if there's anything he can do while waiting to get towed.  A woman in her garden notices the driver struggling without any tools and shouts over "do you want a screwdriver?" 

 

"not right now love, I'm trying to fix the bus" 

A penguin is driving to work when it’s car starts making odd noises, so Penguin drops it off at the mechanics and says it’ll be back after work to find out what’s wrong. 
A few hours later, Penguin waddles up to the mechanic and says,

“ So, what was the trouble?”

Mechanic replies,

“ I think you’ve blown a seal”

Penguin turns bright red and starts wiping its face. 

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Woman walks past a pet store a see's a parrot in the window next to a big sign that says "Talking Parrot. Free to a good home. NO RETURNS!" and pops inside to find out more.  She asks the shop owner "why is it free?", he replies "I need to be honest with you. The last two people brought the parrot back the next day. Truth is, this bird was rescued from a brothel and its prone to say some pretty crude and offensive things". 

 

She takes a chance on the foul mouthed parrot and takes it home. First thing it says is "New House! New Madame!".  The woman expected worse and laughs it off. 

 

Her daughter arrive home from school and the parrot says "New House! New Madame! New Girls!". The daughters are a bit surprised but see the funny side after mum explains the parrots background. 

 

About an hour later dad gets home from work. The kids eagerly waiting to see what the parrot says. Dad walks into the room and the parrot just says "Hi Keith!" 

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An auld dear goes to the doctor's complaining of discharge. The quack tell her to get undressed, puts the latex gloves on and starts to feel inside her vagina with his finger. "HOW DOES THIS, I SAY*, HOW DOES THIS FEEL TO YOU, MRS BOTTOMLEY?" He asks his rather deaf old patient. "It feels wonderful, Doctor, but the discharge is in my ear!"

 

*He was from Yorkshire. :good:

 

 

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 2 months later...

Trump finally croaks it and ends up in hell. The devil greets him and tells him that although he's deserving of a place they're a little bit overbooked at the minute. 'You're definitely staying but I'm going to have to let someone go who was touch and go whether they ended up here or not. I tell you what, I'll even let you decide. Here's your choices but you can pick only one and you must take up their eternal punishment." The devil then shows him into cavern where President Nixon is constantly trying to swim away from crocodiles in a deep pool. Trump says, 'I'm not the greatest swimmer since I hurt my shoulder so I'll give this one a miss." The devil takes him to another cavern, in it Saddam Hussein is constantly trying to break rocks with a pick but the pick just sparks off and the rocks stay intact. Trump looks at the devil and says, "Yeah, I can't see my poor shoulder holding up to that for eternity. Anything else?" The devil takes him to the last cavern, there, lying spread eagled with his hands chained behind his head is President Clinton with Monica Lewinsky in between his legs giving him an eternal piping. Trump dives straight in and says that he'll take this task on. The devil nods his head then shouts, "Ok, Monica, pet, that'll do, you can go back up to heaven now." 

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  • 1 month later...

A priest a vicar and a rabbit went into a blood transfusion clinic.

When asked “what’s your blood group”

“I believe I’m a type O” said the rabbit

🤔 😀

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...

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