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if you heard a joke today, post it


Dr Gloom
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14 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said:

I was in the pub the other day and a massive tiger came in and approached the bar. 
 

“ I’ll have a rum and…”

 

then, 2 minutes later, 

 

“… coke please Barman!”

 

The barman said, 

“ Ok, but what’s with the huge pause?”

 

Tiger said,

” Oh, I get them from my dads side of the family”. 
 

 

 

Fuck off. 👍

Angry Who Dey GIF by NFL

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9 hours ago, peasepud said:

Devastated that I've had to jack in my job playing rhe triangle in a Rastafarian band but I couldn't take it any more.

 

It was literally one ting after another 

Go Away GIF

 

9 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said:

Funny you should mention that, as just yesterday my neighbour beat his Mrs. up with a fiddle and was then arrested for domestic violins. 

 

 

Ditto

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  • 3 weeks later...

I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes...

I turned to a local tribesman and said “That lizards really funny!”

The tribesman replied, “That’s not a lizard...

He’s a stand up chameleon...”

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1 hour ago, Craig said:

I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes...

I turned to a local tribesman and said “That lizards really funny!”

The tribesman replied, “That’s not a lizard...

He’s a stand up chameleon...”

get out frog GIF

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John Wayne walks into a saloon in a small town in Missouri and asks for a whiskey, everyone in the saloon hushes and keeps their heads down. As he's starting his drink he loudly days to the barman, "When I finish this drink I'm a going to go to my horse and I'm sincerely hoping that someone in this no good, forgotten town has saddled him. If nobody has saddled my horse.........same thing that happened in Texas is gonna happen here." Everyone is shiting themselves and in their panic and fear, assume somebody else has done the job the Duke wants doing. John Wayne necks his drink then goes outside. A minute later the saloon doors burst aside as the Duke walks back in the establishment. "Well it looks as if my horse isn't saddled. Ok, I'll have one more drink for the road and this time, if my horse isn't saddled......THE SAME THING THAT HAPPENED IN TEXAS IS GONNA HAPPEN RIGHT HERE!" Everyone is bricking it and the nearest bloke to the door nips out and saddles Wayne's horse. 

 

The Duke finishes his drink and heads outside. He sees his horse has been saddled so gets up on it and slowly starts to trot along the dusty town road. A teenage boy looking on through the window on the saloon porch at what was happening couldn't hold it in any longer and ran up to the big man. "Mr Wayne! Mr Wayne!" He shouted, "What is it, son?" The Duke drawled back. "Mr Wayne, what, (gulp), happened in Texas when they didn't saddle your horse, sir?" 

 

The Duke spat out a piece of tobacco to one side then said to the boy......

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

......."I had to walk home, son."

 old west smile GIF by GritTV

 

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3 minutes ago, Dr Gloom said:

What colour is the wind?

 

Blew 

 

7 minutes ago, Dr Gloom said:

I learnt the medical name for viagra.

 

Mycoxaflopin

 

Kid-friendly and non-kid-friendly in perfect proximity :lol:

 

 

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