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if you heard a joke today, post it


Dr Gloom
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Two auld lads, Mick and Bob, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Bob is dying, Mick visits him every day.

One day Mick says, "Bob, me and you both loved football all our lives and we played football on Saturdays together for years then watched it together when we were too fucked to play. Please do me one favour, mate, when you get to Heaven, somehow, if you can, let me know if there's football up there."

 

Bob looks up at Mick from his death bed, "Mick, you've been my best mate for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll try my best to do this favour for you, wor kid." Shortly after that, Bob sadly passed on.

 

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mick is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mick! Mick!"

"Who is it? asks Mick sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" He says again.

"Mick, it's me, Bob."

"You're not Bob, Bob just died a few days ago."

"I'm telling you, man, it's me, Bob," insists the voice."

"Bob?! Where are you?" "I'm in heaven, Mick", replies Bob. "I've got some really good news and a bit of bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mick.

"Well the good news...." Bob says, ".....is that there is football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!"

 

That's fantastic," says Mick. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news, Bob?"

Bob replies, "You're in the team for this Saturday, wor kid."

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A bloke, dying of thirst staggers through the Sahara desert then spots something through the haze.
Hoping to find water, he walks towards the image, only to find a little old man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it. Skinny, kipper, bow, all the colours too.

The guy gasped, "Water, water, Please, I'm dying, give me some water?"

The old man replied, "I don't have any water, but I'll sell you a tie?"

The guy wheezed, "Fuck off with your ties! I need water!"

"OK, ok, don't buy a tie. Tell you what, about 10 miles that way, there's a hotel."

The bloke thanked him and staggered off towards the promise of water.

6 hours later the guy came crawling back, "Help me, help me"

"Couldn't you find the hotel?"

The guy rasped, "I found it. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."

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7 minutes ago, Toonpack said:

EI EI EIO, up the premier league we go 

 

what the strongest day of the week ??

 

Answer -Saturday or Sunday, the others are week days  

christina aguilera thumbs down GIF

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