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if you heard a joke today, post it


Dr Gloom
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‘I said to the gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays”. :lol:

 

CT, Berb has taken over your PC man! :lol:

 

 

Ok then... ;)

 

 

Knock knock.

 

Who's there?

 

Dave.

 

Dave who?

 

Dave holds back tears as he realizes his mother's Alzheimers is getting worse.

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‘I said to the gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays”. :lol:

 

CT, Berb has taken over your PC man! ;)

 

 

Ok then... :razz:

 

 

Knock knock.

 

Who's there?

 

Dave.

 

Dave who?

 

Dave holds back tears as he realizes his mother's Alzheimers is getting worse.

 

:lol:

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Peter decided to invite his mother for tea as a thank you for helping him out financially when he bought his new flat and decorated it.

 

Peter's mam notices that Peter's flatmate, Joe, is a very handsome lad if a little camp, there has been times when Peter's mam has raised a few psuedo-innocent questions about when she is going to be a Granny but Peter usually changes the subject and she lets it slide.

 

Joe is his flatmate, " a Canny lad", says Peter, a little too forcefully when his mother gently enquires about the "handsome boy".

 

A week passes since Peter's Mam visited the flat for her tea and her gentle questioning of her sons suspect sexuality.

 

Joe says to Peter, "Ever since your Mam came to tea I can't find the frying pan anywhere!"

 

Peter e-mails his dearest Mother;

 

"Mam, I know it seems a bit daft, but ever since you came to tea we just can't find the frying pan anywhere!"

 

"I'm not saying you DID take it and I'm not saying you DID NOT take it, I'm just a bit puzzled to where it could have got to."

 

"Love, Peter."

 

 

Peter's Mother replies to his e-mail the next day;

 

"Peter, I'm not saying you DO sleep with Joe, I'm not saying you DO NOT sleep with Joe, but if he was sleeping in his own bed he'd have found the fucking frying pan by now.

 

Love, Mam"

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One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife.

 

The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols.

 

This seemed like the perfect gift.

 

"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.

 

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.

 

The shop owner then held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot to demonstrate this and Chet began to sing. "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!..."

 

The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot and Chet's tune changed and the air was filled with, "Silent Night, Holy Night..."

 

The young man was so impressed that he immediately paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm.

 

When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

 

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"

 

"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."

 

So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot just as the shop-keeper had shown him, "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!...", crooned Chet

 

The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

 

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"

 

"I don’t know", he said. "Let's try it."

 

So they held the lighter between Chet's legs…

 

Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and then sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life, "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

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Woman goes into a pet shop and sees a gorgeous parrot, only £20. The shopkeeper explains it's cheap because the parrot used to live in a brothel, and its language might be fruitier than most. But it's so beautiful that the woman buys it anyway.

 

She takes it home, and puts it in the front room. 'New premises,' squawks the parrot. 'Nice.'

 

The woman's two daughters walk in. 'New girls, too' says the parrot. 'Very nice!'

 

Then her husband arrives. 'Hello, Keith,' says the parrot.

 

 

(Barry Cryer joke)

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