if you heard a joke today, post it

[Monkeys Fist 38572]

2 hours ago, aimaad22 said:

There was once a King only 12 inches tall.

 

 

Terrible King, but made a great ruler. 

[Dazzler 5361]

3 hours ago, aimaad22 said:

There was once a King only 12 inches tall.

 

 

Terrible King, but made a great ruler. 

[Monkeys Fist 38572]

I filled my Escort up with diesel yesterday by mistake. 
 

 

She died. 

[RobinRobin 9172]

8 hours ago, aimaad22 said:

There was once a King only 12 inches tall.

 

 

Terrible King, but made a great ruler. 

[PaddockLad 14528]

8 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said:

I filled my Escort up with diesel yesterday by mistake. 
 

 

She died. 

[Howmanheyman 26624]

8 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said:

I filled my Escort up with diesel yesterday by mistake. 
 

 

She died. 

 

Sorry to hear about your loss. 😔

[Dazzler 5361]

9 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said:

I filled my Escort up with diesel yesterday by mistake. 
 

 

She died. 

Gary Delaney called, and he'd like his joke back.

 

[Wardi 82]

The inventors of the ballet skirt thought long and hard about what to call their creation.  Eventually they just put Tu and Tu together.

[Meenzer 13984]

25 minutes ago, Wardi said:

The inventors of the ballet skirt thought long and hard about what to call their creation.  Eventually they just put Tu and Tu together.

 

Just found out the ballet skirt was invented by the Chuckle Brothers.

 

 

 

 

 

...all right, never mind

 

 

[Dazzler 5361]

2 hours ago, Meenzer said:

 

Just found out the ballet skirt was invented by the Chuckle Brothers.

 

 

 

 

 

...all right, never mind

 

 

Tu me Tu you?

[Dazzler 5361]

2 hours ago, Wardi said:

The inventors of the ballet skirt thought long and hard about what to call their creation.  Eventually they just put Tu and Tu together.

[Tdansmith 2068]

13 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said:

I filled my Escort up with diesel yesterday by mistake. 
 

 

She died. 

[Sonatine 9941]

3 hours ago, Wardi said:

The inventors of the ballet skirt thought long and hard about what to call their creation.  Eventually they just put Tu and Tu together.

[Monkeys Fist 38572]

3 hours ago, Wardi said:

The inventors of the ballet skirt thought long and hard about what to call their creation.  Eventually they just put Tu and Tu together.

[Dazzler 5361]

Four men on the titanic when it hits the iceberg.

 

Waiter: We need to get to the lifeboats.

 

Teacher: We need to save the kids.

 

Lawyer: Fuck those kids.

 

Priest: Do you think we have time?

[The Fish 8950]

13 hours ago, Wardi said:

The inventors of the ballet skirt thought long and hard about what to call their creation.  Eventually they just put Tu and Tu together.

[RobinRobin 9172]

Sex involving 4 people is a foursome

Sex involving 3 people is a threesome

Is that why Quiff thought he was handsome?

 

[Gemmill 34185]

Two hikers are out in the forest when they come across what appears to be a small sinkhole. They're standing looking down it but it must be pretty deep cos they can't even see the bottom. 

 

One of the blokes says "here, I'll get to the bottom of this" and he goes and picks up this chunky rock, carries it over, and drops it down the sinkhole. They stand listening for it to hit the bottom, but as they're stood there, out of nowhere something comes flying through the bushes, absolutely pegging it, bursts between the two of them, and dives down into the sinkhole. 

 

The blokes look at each other in stunned silence with wtf looks on their faces. 

 

"Wtf was that?!" 

 

"I don't know. Some sort of animal, I think but it was moving so fast." 

 

While they're stood discussing it, a bloke comes out of the bushes and says "Here lads, have either of you seen a goat wandering about?" 

 

"A goat? Nah I don't think so."

 

"Nah mate, haven't seen any goats." 

 

"It's weird as fuck. He can't have got far, I tied him to a big rock... "

 

 

[Kevin Carr's Gloves 3183]

1 hour ago, Gemmill said:

Two hikers are out in the forest when they come across what appears to be a small sinkhole. They're standing looking down it but it must be pretty deep cos they can't even see the bottom. 

 

One of the blokes says "here, I'll get to the bottom of this" and he goes and picks up this chunky rock, carries it over, and drops it down the sinkhole. They stand listening for it to hit the bottom, but as they're stood there, out of nowhere something comes flying through the bushes, absolutely pegging it, bursts between the two of them, and dives down into the sinkhole. 

 

The blokes look at each other in stunned silence with wtf looks on their faces. 

 

"Wtf was that?!" 

 

"I don't know. Some sort of animal, I think but it was moving so fast." 

 

While they're stood discussing it, a bloke comes out of the bushes and says "Here lads, have either of you seen a goat wandering about?" 

 

"A goat? Nah I don't think so."

 

"Nah mate, haven't seen any goats." 

 

"It's weird as fuck. He can't have got far, I tied him to a big rock... "

 

 

[Gemmill 34185]

It's the best thing to happen in this thread this decade. 

[Meenzer 13984]

3 minutes ago, Gemmill said:

It's the best thing to happen in this thread this decade. 

 

 

[Gemmill 34185]

Just surpassed. 

[Monkeys Fist 38572]

32 minutes ago, Gemmill said:

It's the best thing to happen in this thread this decade. 

[Howmanheyman 26624]

An southern Englishman is living in Ireland and whenever he hears about 'the little people' and other such tales he politely smiles but grimaces a bit inside. One day he sees an advert in his local paper offering a talking dog for sale, price €20 to a good home. The Englishman shakes his head then sees the address is just around the corner. Smiling to himself he thinks he'll pop along as he's not busy and call the seller's bluff. He knocks on the door and asks if this is the right address for the talking dog.

 

Irishman: "Yes it certainly is, sir, he's in the backyard."

 

The Irishman takes him to a pokey backyard with a small kennel and a bored looking dog just lying there. The Englishman smiles and addresses the dog....

 

Englishman: "So you must be the talking dog I've heard about?"

 

Straight away the dog looks up and says, "Aye, that's me, mate.'

 

Flabbergasted the man looks around for trick microphones but doesn't see any. The Irishman says he'll leave him for ten minutes so he can chat privately with the dog. 

 

Englishman: "How the hell did you learn to talk?"

 

The dog replies, "Well, I've no idea really, I must've just picked it up as a pup listening to my owners. 

 

Englishman: "What did your owners think?"

 

Dog: "Well they were a bit unsure what to do so took me to the Garda for their opinion. The Garda offered to take me off their hands and look after and train me so I ended up working at Dublin airport, eavesdropping on potential terrorists and drug smugglers and letting the garda know."

 

Englishman: "That's amazing!"

 

Dog: "One day my handler said that the CIA had heard about me and paid the Garda four million dollars for my services so I ended up in the whitehouse and Camp David just moping around like a regular dog but eavesdropping on any foreign diplomats like the Russians. Obviously they taught me the language so I spoke fluent russian as well as English. They'd let their guard down and chat about their plans and intentions and I'd tell my CIA handler at a daily debrief."

 

Englishman: "Wow, that's amazing!"

 

Dog: "It was a pretty good life I have to say, they bought me an amazing condo kennel with a little pool outside, I ended up hooking up with a showbusiness dog who was playing lassie and I had the best grub you could eat."

 

Englishman: "So what are you doing here?"

 

Dog: "Ah, you know how it is, I got a bit bored and homesick so after a couple of years of good service they arranged for me to come back home. The man who lives here picked me up at the Dublin cat and dog shelter."

 

At that moment the man came back in the yard and the Englishman can't help himself..

 

Englishman: "Good god, man! Why on earth are you selling a dog like this for only €20?!"

 

The Irishman replies, "Sure he's a lying cunt, he never did any of that shit."

Edited 4 hours ago by Howmanheyman

[Monkeys Fist 38572]

4 minutes ago, Howmanheyman said:

I ended up hooking up with a showbusiness dog who was playing lassie