Tdansmith 2094 Posted September 2, 2017 Share Posted September 2, 2017 "Dad, how comes my sister is called Teresa?" "Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter" "Thanks dad" "No problem Alan" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tdansmith 2094 Posted September 2, 2017 Share Posted September 2, 2017 A school teacher asked her class to make a sentence containing the expression “I presume”. One little girl held up her hand and said: “Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken.” “Very good” said the teacher. Another one said: “This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage. I presume that the BMW wouldn't start.” “That’s excellent” says the teacher. Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says: “Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bush, I presume that.......” The teacher interrupted him and said, “I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can’t presume anything. ”Johnny says, “Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence.” The teacher says, “Very well. Continue.” “As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going for a shit because he can’t read 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ohhh_yeah 2765 Posted September 18, 2017 Share Posted September 18, 2017 Had to switch off my sister's life support today, been receiving condolences since with many expressing how hard it must of been. I then remembered that night I was carrying two pints back to the table and sneezed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tdansmith 2094 Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayvin 4964 Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 I didn't even get that one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alex 30376 Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 Is the sister supposed to have laughed when it happened or something? Thought that I was missing something (*insert obvious comment here*) too tbh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adios 717 Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 I got the joke but when I first read it I forgot which thread I was in so didn't have quite the desired reaction. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
strawb 3659 Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 Quite probably the worst "joke" in human existence Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ewerk 26284 Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 I still don’t get it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Fish 8989 Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 I miss Bobby Shinton. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tdansmith 2094 Posted October 4, 2017 Share Posted October 4, 2017 I bought a dog from a blacksmith. As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tdansmith 2094 Posted October 4, 2017 Share Posted October 4, 2017 What do you call a policewomen who shaves her pubes? Cuntstubble Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alex 30376 Posted October 4, 2017 Share Posted October 4, 2017 Reminds me of: What do you call a Spanish footballer with no legs? Gracias Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ohhh_yeah 2765 Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 Why is Kevin Spacey so bad at Hide and Seek? He comes out at the wrong time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tdansmith 2094 Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 On 08/11/2017 at 11:38 PM, ohhh_yeah said: Why is Kevin Spacey so bad at Hide and Seek? He comes out at the wrong time. that was very crap Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tdansmith 2094 Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 A woman weightlifter goes to see her doctor "I've been taking steroids and now I've grown a cock" "Anabolic?" says the Doctor "No just a cock" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tdansmith 2094 Posted November 12, 2017 Share Posted November 12, 2017 Last week my girlfriend invited me to her house. I found her sister alone in the house, she was unbelievably sexy! She wore a very tight miniskirt and was bra-less on that day. She told me that her sister had to rush somewhere and had instructed her to tell me that she will make up for the meeting later that evening. We are to get married in a few weeks time. After a little chit chat, she whispered that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going to my bedroom,and if you want one last wild fling, just come over and get me.” I immediately turned around and walked to the front door to go to my car, I opened the door and Lo! behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in- law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tdansmith 2094 Posted November 12, 2017 Share Posted November 12, 2017 A man received the following text from his Neighbour: "I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, I have probably been getting more than you. I do not get it at home - but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again." On reading the text, the man, anguished and betrayed, went directly into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and, without a word, shot his wife dead. A few moments later, a second text came in, "Bloody spell check!! Sorry Bob, the second sentence should refer to your wifi." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tdansmith 2094 Posted November 12, 2017 Share Posted November 12, 2017 A widowed Jewish lady, still in very good shape, was sunbathing on a Totally deserted beach near Tel Aviv. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked Up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. ”Do you live around here?" she asked. "Yes, I live over in Haifa," he answered, and again he resumed reading. Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?" With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her Swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life. When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz ? " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trooper 940 Posted November 19, 2017 Share Posted November 19, 2017 Just bought the kids a Wallsend advent calander half the windows are boarded up. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tdansmith 2094 Posted December 8, 2017 Share Posted December 8, 2017 A horse and a donkey meet in a bar and get on great and are all over each other. After a few drinks the horse invites the donkey back to her place for a night cap. When they get there there's pictures everywhere of the horse picking up trophies for winning Group one races including the Oaks and 1,000 Guineas. Anyway, after a few drinks they have a shag and when the donkey is leaving the horse says "how about your place next time ". The donkey is delighted and says ok, but on the way home he begins to panic and thinks how the hell is he going to impress this champion racehorse. During the week he had a brainwave and goes to the zoo and takes a picture of a zebra. The following weekend comes and the horse arrives for their date, in the living room is a big wall to wall picture of the zebra. "What's that picture" She says. "Oh it's nothing really" the donkey says. "Oh go on, tell me" says the horse "i really want to know" "It's no big deal" says the donkey..... "I just used to play for Newcastle United" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meenzer 14031 Posted December 9, 2017 Share Posted December 9, 2017 That's terrible. I quite like it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38739 Posted December 9, 2017 Share Posted December 9, 2017 A white horse walks in to a bar and the barman says, ” Oh, we’ve got a whisky named after you!” The horse says, ” Fuck off. Pint of lager”. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38739 Posted March 29, 2018 Share Posted March 29, 2018 Just spent hours convincing my mate Pascal, who’s a chef in Lyon, not to top himself. He’d lost the huile d’olive. Happy Easter chaps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adios 717 Posted March 29, 2018 Share Posted March 29, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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