Monkeys Fist 38682 Posted December 4, 2018 Share Posted December 4, 2018 When he comes round you should pop in and say “ Aloo, mind if I cumin?” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wykikitoon 16562 Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 Anyone know Bruce Lee's older brother Who's a Vegan? Broco.......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wykikitoon 16562 Posted December 6, 2018 Share Posted December 6, 2018 Wor lass as complaining last night when I was singing I'm a believer by the Monkees. I thought she was joking.........................................but then I saw her face! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaddockLad 14574 Posted December 6, 2018 Share Posted December 6, 2018 I've just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemien Rhapsody.. I think it was filmed in a cinema though,as I see a little silhouetto of a man... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38682 Posted December 6, 2018 Share Posted December 6, 2018 6 hours ago, wykikitoon said: Wor lass as complaining last night when I was singing I'm a believer by the Monkees. I thought she was joking.........................................but then I saw her face! Mrs. Fist threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop singing Oasis songs. I said “Maybe”… Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38682 Posted December 6, 2018 Share Posted December 6, 2018 Any of the medical types on here know if it’s possible to donate a skin graft from my buttock to a non-family member? Just arse skin for a friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonatine 9981 Posted December 6, 2018 Share Posted December 6, 2018 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38682 Posted December 6, 2018 Share Posted December 6, 2018 So Mrs. Fist came in from work today and said, (subtle as a brick), “ Three of the girls at work had flowers delivered from their partners. They were beautiful…” I said “ That’s probably why they got the flowers.” Any ideas how to reduce the swelling on my black eye? 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38682 Posted December 6, 2018 Share Posted December 6, 2018 CT is out for Pub Night, on his own, annoying the fuck out of the poor bar staff. In walks Terry Fuckwit from Viz, and sits next to his brethren. After a few seconds of trying to count, they get bored and start watching the 10pm news, just as a report of some guy threatening to jump off the Tyne Bridge comes on. Terry slaps £50 down and says, ” I bet you he jumps!” CT slaps a tenner down and says ” Bet you he doesn’t! ” As soon as he’s finished speaking, the bloke on the bridge launches himself in to a swan dive and becomes pavement pizza within seconds. CT congratulates Terry and hands him his winnings. Terry guiltily says, ” I can’t take your money, fatty, I’d already seen the same report on the 6pm news” CT replies, ” Me too, but I didn’t think he’d be daft enough to jump this time.” 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonatine 9981 Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 There's a nice offer on Amazon - if you buy all Adam & The Ants sheet music, they'll throw in a stand and deliver 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wykikitoon 16562 Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 Just spent £300 quid on a limousine for Christmas do. The fee doesn't include a driver! Can't believe I spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it.. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38682 Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 Get out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38682 Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 So, I had a skinful last night, but Mrs.Fist woke me up at about 3am saying there was someone knocking on the door. I was not a happy bunny. Went downstairs, opened the door, and there’s a bloke there, drenched, who says, ” Really sorry to bother you, but is there any chance of a push?” I told him to fuck off, it was 3am, and went stomping back to bed. Mrs.F asked who it was, then told me I’d been a bit of a twat, and reminded of how we’d broken down a month earlier and some bloke had gone out of his way to help us. She was right, so I got dressed and went back down, opened the door… no one there. I shouted out “ If you still need a push, I’ll help you out!” A voice from the garden, “ Yes please!” It was pitch black so I said “ Where are you?” ” Over here on the swing”. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonatine 9981 Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38682 Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 26731 Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 Doorbell rang last night so I get up to answer it only to be confronted by a 7ft ant who then punched me about the head, got me down and started to lace into me. Somehow I eventually managed to close the door on him and crawled into the living room bruised, battered and bloody and told wor lass what happened. She barely looked up from her phone and said, 'aye, they reckon there's a nasty bug going around'. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 26731 Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 Not a joke but a few years ago the place I worked at was shutting down and we were all getting made redundant so the company got in some recruitment specialists to help/talk with us. Anyway there was about 8 of us from my team sat around a table and one of the younger lads was going on about not wearing a suit for an interview and then rambling on about having a bit of a break before looking for a new job but his Dad told him to start straight away whereas his mother agreed with him to take it easy. The second he shut up I piped up, "aye, they reckon Mamma used to say, take your time, young man" cue everyone laughing except for the employment lass. Trouble was a mate not long after was really struggling to keep his laughter in and so was I. We just lost it and were nearly crying and the wife's face was a fucking picture tbh. Foaming, which just made us laugh the more. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wykikitoon 16562 Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 Made friends with Mr Sheen our new Eastern European cleaner at work He's Polish 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38682 Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 Fuck off. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38682 Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 My niece is in to natural sciences and the humanities and is considering her options for which degree to take next year, and asked me for some advice. I told her Geology rocks, but Geography is where it’s at. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alex 30337 Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 (edited) On 14/12/2018 at 08:54, wykikitoon said: Made friends with Mr Sheen our new Eastern European cleaner at work He's Polish Reminds me of a The Broons cartoon I read years ago where the joke revolves around the mistaken dual nationality of a French Polisher Edited December 17, 2018 by Alex Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38682 Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 Mate of mine lives in Geneva, I asked him what he likes best about living in Switzerland. “ Well, the flag is a big plus…” 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meenzer 14030 Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wykikitoon 16562 Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 I tried catching fog this morning Mist 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 38682 Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 I paid £300 for a Velcro bra for Mrs. F. Total rip off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now