ewerk 6,520 Posted April 12, 2017 Report Share Posted April 12, 2017 That's putting it generously. Link to post Share on other sites
adios 686 Posted April 12, 2017 Report Share Posted April 12, 2017 Always liked Wacky too. Link to post Share on other sites
Kid Dynamite 1,227 Posted May 21, 2017 Report Share Posted May 21, 2017 Watched Total Recall for the very first time last night, what an excellent film. Can't believe all these years I thought it was about a contaminated batch of toothpaste! (nicked from RTG :lol:) Link to post Share on other sites
wolfy 12 Posted May 21, 2017 Report Share Posted May 21, 2017 A security firm has has to downgrade due to cuts. They now use strong boxes strapped to donkeys when collecting takings. They're now called secureor. Link to post Share on other sites
adios 686 Posted May 21, 2017 Report Share Posted May 21, 2017 Well that's ruined my weekend. Link to post Share on other sites
wolfy 12 Posted May 21, 2017 Report Share Posted May 21, 2017 (edited) A tiger walks into a pub followed by a lion, a grizzly bear and a kangeroo. All the people in the pub scream and run for their lives and very soon the pub is empty, apart from these 4 animals. The tiger shouts, "what the matter with everyone? It's as if we're being treated like gangsters or something." The barman shouts, "It's not that...it's due to the fact that you're wild animals and have fearsome reputations." The kangeroo is livid and pipes in. "ermmm, excuse me mister but don't lump me in with those three. I'm not looked on as having any fearsome reputation, so how about leaving me out of it." The tiger, the lion and the bear stare the kangeroo out and start threatening him, but the kangeroo stands his ground and says, "I'm not scared of any of you lot, so don't try and intimidate me, or the boxing gloves will be out and then we'll see who's got the bottle." All the other animals ignore the kangeroo and all order a pint of beer each and go and sit over in the far corner, leaving the kangeroo at the bar with the barman. The barman says, " what you having?" The kangeroo says, " ahhh just do me a pint of the old amber nectar." The barman says, " what's that like?" And the kangeroo says, " it's Fosters lager, man, what do you think it is?" The barman notices that the kangeroo is talking like a geordie and says, " how come you've got a sort of geordie accent?" And the kangeroo says, " because I've lived in Newcastle for years man, plus I'm a Newcastle united fan." Just as he said that, all the other animals looked over, after over hearing the kangeroo mention that he's a Newcastle fan and the tiger shouts, " I think you'd better leave the pub mate if you know what's good for you, because we're mackems and we're all gonna jump yeah and beat the crap out of yeah, plus bite you all over and leave you in a mess." The barman starts to crap himself and says, " ahhh come on mate, you'll have to leave or my pubs gonna end up a shambles. The kangeroo shouts, " nahhhh...do you have any boxing gloves behind that bar, or anywher in this pub, because I'll show you what I do to animals like that who threaten me." The barman, by this time is absolutely trembling with fear and mumbles " I'mmmmm.....I'mmmmmmmm sssss....sss...ssssorry Mr kangeroo but I don't have any boxing gloves in here." The kangeroo looks at the barman and says, " ahh well, never mind. I just thought you might have had a pair." Just then, the kangeroo hopped out and went home for his supper, leaving the other three to just talk about all kinds of stuff really. The end. Edited May 21, 2017 by wolfy Link to post Share on other sites
The Fish 813 Posted May 21, 2017 Report Share Posted May 21, 2017 Your other stuff is funnier. Link to post Share on other sites
wolfy 12 Posted May 21, 2017 Report Share Posted May 21, 2017 (edited) A moth sees the light on at a dentists. The moth flies over and manages to get into the little open gap in the window then started fluttering around the light that the dentist uses to shine over the victim/patient. The dentist asked the moth why he was in there flying around the light, but the moth just kept fluttering around the light. 44 times the dentist asked the moth why he was fluttering around the light and 44 times the moth just kept on fluttering. It turned out that the dentist didn't realise that the moth couldn't actually talk. It also turns out that my jokes are absolutely crap and aren't really even a joke. Edited May 21, 2017 by wolfy Link to post Share on other sites
Howmanheyman 4,629 Posted May 21, 2017 Report Share Posted May 21, 2017 1 hour ago, wolfy said: A moth sees the light on at a dentists. The moth flies over and manages to get into the little open gap in the window then started fluttering around the light that the dentist uses to shine over the victim/patient. The dentist asked the moth why he was in there flying around the light, but the moth just kept fluttering around the light. 44 times the dentist asked the moth why he was fluttering around the light and 44 times the moth just kept on fluttering. It turned out that the dentist didn't realise that the moth couldn't actually talk. It also turns out that my jokes are absolutely crap and aren't really even a joke. Don't be too harsh on yourself, try that in a comedy club selling English tapas, for example, and it might go down a better? Link to post Share on other sites
adios 686 Posted May 21, 2017 Report Share Posted May 21, 2017 We've finally found @The Fish's comedy account. Link to post Share on other sites
The Fish 813 Posted May 21, 2017 Report Share Posted May 21, 2017 11 minutes ago, adios said: We've finally found @The Fish's comedy account. This is the worst thing you've ever said. I mean, that kind of villainy should be reserved for OTT antagonists in Disney movies, but there you go, spewing your filth on the internet instead. Link to post Share on other sites
adios 686 Posted May 21, 2017 Report Share Posted May 21, 2017 Worse than Cromwell tbs tbs. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Face 27 Posted May 21, 2017 Report Share Posted May 21, 2017 Sunderland stopped their game so they could applaud an opposing player off the field today. Link to post Share on other sites
Ant 332 Posted May 22, 2017 Report Share Posted May 22, 2017 unfortunate choice of sticker Link to post Share on other sites
Monkeys Fist 7,414 Posted May 22, 2017 Report Share Posted May 22, 2017 Dear me, even I winced at that. Link to post Share on other sites
Howmanheyman 4,629 Posted June 15, 2017 Report Share Posted June 15, 2017 Link to post Share on other sites
bobbyshinton 10 Posted July 13, 2017 Report Share Posted July 13, 2017 Smeeagain Why do Swedish battle ships have bar codes on their sides? Co they're Scandinavian SMB Link to post Share on other sites
ewerk 6,520 Posted July 13, 2017 Report Share Posted July 13, 2017 You fucked that one up, Bob. Link to post Share on other sites
The Fish 813 Posted July 13, 2017 Report Share Posted July 13, 2017 An ice cream seller was today found on the floor of his van covered in hundreds and thousands. Police said he topped himself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
adios 686 Posted July 13, 2017 Report Share Posted July 13, 2017 Christ. Link to post Share on other sites
bobbyshinton 10 Posted July 13, 2017 Report Share Posted July 13, 2017 One fucking C from greatness. Fish I cracked tghat when you were a sprat. I enjoy your banter on SMB lol Link to post Share on other sites
bobbyshinton 10 Posted July 13, 2017 Report Share Posted July 13, 2017 FFS spell check where are you? Link to post Share on other sites
ewerk 6,520 Posted July 13, 2017 Report Share Posted July 13, 2017 The actual joke is: Why do Swedish war-ships have bar codes on the sides? So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian. But you weren't far away. Link to post Share on other sites
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