Jump to content

if you heard a joke today, post it


Recommended Posts

  • Replies 928
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Posts

I was sat on the edge of the bed pulling my boxers off and my wife said, "You spoil them dogs".

Ordered a Chinese takeaway and went to the door to collect it as you do and the fucking Chinese lad started screaming 'Isolate! Isolate!' I said, 'Chill oot Jackie, I only rang up for it 20 mins ago.'

Did you hear about the kiwi who slept with his sister?  He didn’t want to but she incested. 

Posted Images

  • 1 month later...

A tiger walks into a pub followed by a lion, a grizzly bear and a kangeroo.

All the people in the pub scream and run for their lives and very soon the pub is empty, apart from these 4 animals.

 

The tiger shouts, "what the matter with everyone? It's as if we're being treated like gangsters or something."

The barman shouts, "It's not that...it's due to the fact that you're wild animals and have fearsome reputations."

 

The kangeroo is livid and pipes in. "ermmm, excuse me mister but don't lump me in with those three. I'm not looked on as having any fearsome reputation, so how about leaving me out of it."

 

The tiger, the lion and the bear stare the kangeroo out and start threatening him, but the kangeroo stands his ground and says, "I'm not scared of any of you lot, so don't try and intimidate me, or the boxing gloves will be out and then we'll see who's got the bottle."

 

All the other animals ignore the kangeroo and all order a pint of beer each and go and sit over in the far corner, leaving the kangeroo at the bar with the barman.

The barman says, " what you having?" 

The kangeroo says, " ahhh just do me a pint of the old amber nectar."

The barman says, " what's that like?"

And the kangeroo says, " it's Fosters lager, man, what do you think it is?"

 

The barman notices that the kangeroo is talking like a geordie and says, " how come you've got a sort of geordie accent?"

And the kangeroo says, " because I've lived in Newcastle for years man, plus I'm a Newcastle united fan."

 

Just as he said that, all the other animals looked over, after over hearing the kangeroo mention that he's a Newcastle fan and the tiger shouts, " I think you'd better leave the pub mate if you know what's good for you, because we're mackems and we're all gonna jump yeah and beat the crap out of yeah, plus bite you all over and leave you in a mess."

 

The barman starts to crap himself and says, " ahhh come on mate, you'll have to leave or my pubs gonna end up a shambles.

The kangeroo shouts, " nahhhh...do you have any boxing gloves behind that bar, or anywher in this pub, because I'll show you what I do to animals like that who threaten me."

 

The barman, by this time is absolutely trembling with fear and mumbles " I'mmmmm.....I'mmmmmmmm sssss....sss...ssssorry Mr kangeroo but I don't have any boxing gloves in here."

 

The kangeroo looks at the barman and says, " ahh well, never mind. I just thought you might have had a pair."

Just then, the kangeroo hopped out and went home for his supper, leaving the other three to just talk about all kinds of stuff really.

 

The end. :razz:

Edited by wolfy
Link to post
Share on other sites

A moth sees the light on at a dentists. The moth flies over and manages to get into the little open gap in the window then started fluttering around the light that the dentist uses to shine over the victim/patient.

The dentist asked the moth why he was in there flying around the light, but the moth just kept fluttering around the light.

44 times the dentist asked the moth why he was fluttering around the light and 44 times the moth just kept on fluttering.

 

It turned out that the dentist didn't realise that the moth couldn't actually talk.

It also turns out that my jokes are absolutely crap and aren't really even a joke.

 

 

 

Edited by wolfy
Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, wolfy said:

A moth sees the light on at a dentists. The moth flies over and manages to get into the little open gap in the window then started fluttering around the light that the dentist uses to shine over the victim/patient.

The dentist asked the moth why he was in there flying around the light, but the moth just kept fluttering around the light.

44 times the dentist asked the moth why he was fluttering around the light and 44 times the moth just kept on fluttering.

 

It turned out that the dentist didn't realise that the moth couldn't actually talk.

It also turns out that my jokes are absolutely crap and aren't really even a joke.

 

 

 

Don't be too harsh on yourself, try that in a comedy club selling English tapas, for example, and it might go down a better?

Link to post
Share on other sites
11 minutes ago, adios said:

:lol: We've finally found @The Fish's comedy account.

 

This is the worst thing you've ever said. I mean, that kind of villainy should be reserved for OTT antagonists in Disney movies, but there you go, spewing your filth on the internet instead.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 4 weeks later...
  • 4 weeks later...

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...