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I was sat on the edge of the bed pulling my boxers off and my wife said, "You spoil them dogs".

Ordered a Chinese takeaway and went to the door to collect it as you do and the fucking Chinese lad started screaming 'Isolate! Isolate!' I said, 'Chill oot Jackie, I only rang up for it 20 mins ago.'

Went out birdwatching with Sinead O’Connor this morning.   Saw seven owls and fifteen jays.

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1 hour ago, Carl said:

My lass just asked me what I was doing on the computer. I said, "Looking for cheap flights."

She got very excited and said, "I love you," then got on her knees & gave me the best blow job I've ever had...

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before!

On my wedding day my best man said, 'I know you're getting married, but that's one massive grin on your face!' I told him my soon to be new bride had sneaked round the night before and gave me the best blow job of my life. 'Jammy bastard' he replied. Five mins earlier the chief bridesmaid mentioned how happy my soon to be wife was looking. 'I popped round his last night and gave him the last blow of his life!' she beamed.

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Bus breaks down in the middle of the road, blocking traffic at rush hour. The driver has a look at the engine to see if there's anything he can do while waiting to get towed.  A woman in her garden notices the driver struggling without any tools and shouts over "do you want a screwdriver?" 

 

"not right now love, I'm trying to fix the bus" 

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55 minutes ago, Blastronaut said:

Bus breaks down in the middle of the road, blocking traffic at rush hour. The driver has a look at the engine to see if there's anything he can do while waiting to get towed.  A woman in her garden notices the driver struggling without any tools and shouts over "do you want a screwdriver?" 

 

"not right now love, I'm trying to fix the bus" 

A penguin is driving to work when it’s car starts making odd noises, so Penguin drops it off at the mechanics and says it’ll be back after work to find out what’s wrong. 
A few hours later, Penguin waddles up to the mechanic and says,

“ So, what was the trouble?”

Mechanic replies,

“ I think you’ve blown a seal”

Penguin turns bright red and starts wiping its face. 

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Woman walks past a pet store a see's a parrot in the window next to a big sign that says "Talking Parrot. Free to a good home. NO RETURNS!" and pops inside to find out more.  She asks the shop owner "why is it free?", he replies "I need to be honest with you. The last two people brought the parrot back the next day. Truth is, this bird was rescued from a brothel and its prone to say some pretty crude and offensive things". 

 

She takes a chance on the foul mouthed parrot and takes it home. First thing it says is "New House! New Madame!".  The woman expected worse and laughs it off. 

 

Her daughter arrive home from school and the parrot says "New House! New Madame! New Girls!". The daughters are a bit surprised but see the funny side after mum explains the parrots background. 

 

About an hour later dad gets home from work. The kids eagerly waiting to see what the parrot says. Dad walks into the room and the parrot just says "Hi Keith!" 

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An auld dear goes to the doctor's complaining of discharge. The quack tell her to get undressed, puts the latex gloves on and starts to feel inside her vagina with his finger. "HOW DOES THIS, I SAY*, HOW DOES THIS FEEL TO YOU, MRS BOTTOMLEY?" He asks his rather deaf old patient. "It feels wonderful, Doctor, but the discharge is in my ear!"

 

*He was from Yorkshire. :good:

 

 

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