Gemmill 34384 Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 There's a kid at my work who EVERY FUCKING TIME anyone asks how he is, goes through the following shit patter: "Mint. *pause before he unleashes the comedy* In fact I'd go as far as to say I'm 'proper mint'" Then he chuckles to himself. And I mean every fucking time - I can hear this upwards of 5 times a day. What do the wankers at your work come up with? And how do you dispose of a body? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Park Life 70 Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 Used to work with a bloke who suped up his golf and used to go on and on about 'track days' and so on...On futher questioning it turned out it was 12mph faster than the average golf... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 26749 Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 There's a bloke at work who's a canny enough bloke, but he lies and exaggerates everything he and his relatives have done with a particular habit of tripling the price of anything he or his relatives have ever bought. He always finishes his sentence with an "...And err...." On one break when the subject of London 2012 happened to come up I was told he could've been at the opening ceremony as a VIP as his brother-in-Law was offered some job financing the London Olympics but he knocked it back and in the very same break was told his Brother-in-Law was some kind of Ambassador in New York. I mentioned Ferrero Rocher but he never batted an eyelid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin S. Assilleekunt 1 Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 OOOOOHHHHHH LEFTOVERS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gemmill 34384 Posted September 12, 2011 Author Share Posted September 12, 2011 There's a bloke at work who's a canny enough bloke, but he lies and exaggerates everything he and his relatives have done with a particular habit of tripling the price of anything he or his relatives have ever bought. He always finishes his sentence with an "...And err...." On one break when the subject of London 2012 happened to come up I was told he could've been at the opening ceremony as a VIP as his brother-in-Law was offered some job financing the London Olympics but he knocked it back and in the very same break was told his Brother-in-Law was some kind of Ambassador in New York. I mentioned Ferrero Rocher but he never batted an eyelid. I love a good work liar. We had a bloke that worked here - tall chinless posh drip - who claimed he had been both a cage fighter and an Olympic weight lifter. To a very high standard. There isn't a fucking word about him anywhere on the internet, and I've set aside entire afternoons at work googling the prick. He would just announce out of nowhere that "when I was lifting, I could eat 8000 calories a day /crush a raw potato in my hand /bend a 50p piece with just my thumb and forefinger" Those are all direct quotes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
McFaul 35 Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 There's this bloke he doesn't try to be funny, but he says "it is what it is" at least three times a day, could be something work related, a shit he's just had in the bog, his tube ticket etc...."yeah I've ad the owwld 'emuroids two week naaa it is what it is." Used to work with this woman (45 looked like a horse in every way), every day of her life someone would tell her a tale regardless what it was "tell me about it, I've been there, done that, bought this t shirt....(long pause)....got the tattoo on me arse huh huh huh". FFS. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ajax_andy 0 Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 "I'm not bothered" about 100 times when ever she's clearly bothered about something. "I know she said x about me, i'm not bothered, i'm not bothered, stupid cow can go fuck herself because i'm not bothered what she thinks, i'm not bothered" etc etc etc. Yeah you clearly are pet! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 26749 Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 There's a bloke at work who's a canny enough bloke, but he lies and exaggerates everything he and his relatives have done with a particular habit of tripling the price of anything he or his relatives have ever bought. He always finishes his sentence with an "...And err...." On one break when the subject of London 2012 happened to come up I was told he could've been at the opening ceremony as a VIP as his brother-in-Law was offered some job financing the London Olympics but he knocked it back and in the very same break was told his Brother-in-Law was some kind of Ambassador in New York. I mentioned Ferrero Rocher but he never batted an eyelid. I love a good work liar. We had a bloke that worked here - tall chinless posh drip - who claimed he had been both a cage fighter and an Olympic weight lifter. To a very high standard. There isn't a fucking word about him anywhere on the internet, and I've set aside entire afternoons at work googling the prick. He would just announce out of nowhere that "when I was lifting, I could eat 8000 calories a day /crush a raw potato in my hand /bend a 50p piece with just my thumb and forefinger" Those are all direct quotes. This bloke I'm on about. Once he's targeted you and you're trying to keep a straight face you start getting texts from other workmates with a simple "....and err...." in it as they want you to crack and start laughing. The cunts!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trophyshy 6432 Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 "We are where we are" like he's the Dalai Lama. I fucking know all too well where I am; in a meeting with you, cuntchops. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TicTacWoe 0 Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest alex Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 Used to work with a bloke (boss of payroll as it happens) at the council who did the whole management speak thing, talking about touching base and all that shite. I was there to take the minutes btw. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trophyshy 6432 Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 Used to work with a bloke (boss of payroll as it happens) at the council who did the whole management speak thing, talking about touching base and all that shite. I was there to take the minutes btw. I used to refuse despite being the most junior, what a load of shite all that was! Fucking Councils man. Did you transcribe all his garbage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest alex Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 Used to work with a bloke (boss of payroll as it happens) at the council who did the whole management speak thing, talking about touching base and all that shite. I was there to take the minutes btw. I used to refuse despite being the most junior, what a load of shite all that was! Fucking Councils man. Did you transcribe all his garbage. At first I did. I'm pretty sure nobody ever read them. He was a canny bloke tbf but he used to come out with some shite in those meetings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Park Life 70 Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 There was some geezer who used to try and apply The art of War to office politics...On second thoughts that was me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
McFaul 35 Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 I used to work with a bloke who was obsessed with the dressing room game, patented by TS. Say if someone was called Dave Charlton, he'd go "'as owld Heston emailed you yet." He was also a bit of a bigot, and a total racist, two of my biggest money makers were a Scottish guy we made about £60,000 off called Andy Black, and this other guy from Manchester called Phil Ffrench (spelled like that). Every single day he'd go "has caant been on the phone yet?" EVERY single day, and I never knew which one he meant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Face 29 Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 Fat lad who wears T-shirts 2 sizes too small so his gut skin is hanging out constantly. Walks 2 yards and he's panting like a rapist. You go for a piss and without seeing him, you can tell when he's in the cubicle cos it sounds like a heavy breathing crank caller eating a cream cake. Fucking repugnant beast. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChezGiven 0 Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 I work with floral scented and immaculately presented french birds. 64 women currently in department of 70. Some are mingers but hardly any are overweight and they all take care of their appearances. Some are uber fit too of course. One of the lads (who i quite like so i feel guilty about writing this) is apparently a bit of a creep when the women get pregnant, always going on about how beautiful the pregnant form is. Anyway, hes Mexican / French (grew up in Mexico, went to French school, one parent a frog) and his banter about British food has started to wind me up. "How do you say Bon Appetit in English? ..... Good luck. Ha ha ha" Never quite got round to asking him how to say 'wetback' in Mexican but the day may come. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Park Life 70 Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 I work with floral scented and immaculately presented french birds. 64 women currently in department of 70. Some are mingers but hardly any are overweight and they all take care of their appearances. Some are uber fit too of course. One of the lads (who i quite like so i feel guilty about writing this) is apparently a bit of a creep when the women get pregnant, always going on about how beautiful the pregnant form is. Anyway, hes Mexican / French (grew up in Mexico, went to French school, one parent a frog) and his banter about British food has started to wind me up. "How do you say Bon Appetit in English? ..... Good luck. Ha ha ha" Never quite got round to asking him how to say 'wetback' in Mexican but the day may come. The krauts are always making jokes about Eng food. The krauts ffs! Yeah schnitzel it up fuckers! *French birds have that allure, never quite figureed out what it was.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChezGiven 0 Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 I work with floral scented and immaculately presented french birds. 64 women currently in department of 70. Some are mingers but hardly any are overweight and they all take care of their appearances. Some are uber fit too of course. One of the lads (who i quite like so i feel guilty about writing this) is apparently a bit of a creep when the women get pregnant, always going on about how beautiful the pregnant form is. Anyway, hes Mexican / French (grew up in Mexico, went to French school, one parent a frog) and his banter about British food has started to wind me up. "How do you say Bon Appetit in English? ..... Good luck. Ha ha ha" Never quite got round to asking him how to say 'wetback' in Mexican but the day may come. The krauts are always making jokes about Eng food. The krauts ffs! Yeah schnitzel it up fuckers! *French birds have that allure, never quite figureed out what it was.... I had a german boss who on being sat down at a swanky london restaurant asked loudly 'what are we having, Fish & Chips? Ha ha ha' to which i hastily added 'we can order in some sausage and cabbage if you want'. Our relationship came to a head in a taxi in Barcelona. 'Isnt Barcelona so much more beautiful than London' he says to me. 'Aye cos you lot didnt bomb the fuck out of it during the war'. I resigned within the year. He was made redundant the following year. As work wankers go, he was the biggest i have ever come across. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest alex Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 I work with floral scented and immaculately presented french birds. 64 women currently in department of 70. Some are mingers but hardly any are overweight and they all take care of their appearances. Some are uber fit too of course. One of the lads (who i quite like so i feel guilty about writing this) is apparently a bit of a creep when the women get pregnant, always going on about how beautiful the pregnant form is. Anyway, hes Mexican / French (grew up in Mexico, went to French school, one parent a frog) and his banter about British food has started to wind me up. "How do you say Bon Appetit in English? ..... Good luck. Ha ha ha" Never quite got round to asking him how to say 'wetback' in Mexican but the day may come. The krauts are always making jokes about Eng food. The krauts ffs! Yeah schnitzel it up fuckers! *French birds have that allure, never quite figureed out what it was.... I think they have a phrase for that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meenzer 14030 Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 The krauts are always making jokes about Eng food. The krauts ffs! Yeah schnitzel it up fuckers! Poor old Germany. Their national cuisine already consisted of slabs of meat in various forms, then they got the immigrants - Turks, Yugoslavs - whose cuisine also consists of slabs of meat in various forms. Meanwhile, we got the herbs, spices and flavours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gemmill 34384 Posted September 12, 2011 Author Share Posted September 12, 2011 Fat lad who wears T-shirts 2 sizes too small so his gut skin is hanging out constantly. Walks 2 yards and he's panting like a rapist. You go for a piss and without seeing him, you can tell when he's in the cubicle cos it sounds like a heavy breathing crank caller eating a cream cake. Fucking repugnant beast. I was in the lift last week with a couple of women in their 40s and this lad gets in. Fat kid, sweating like a bastard. He obviously works with one of the women who starts asking him questions: "What ye been deein!?" He just smiles and looks sheepish. "Yeah been runnin like?" "Nah." looking embarrassed now. "You're sweatin mind" "Aye I know" "Were y'out last night like?" It was awful. I felt like interrupting and saying "You can see he's a fat cunt! Ffs. Have you never seen a fat man before?" Would have been less embarrassing than letting it continue. She was still on at him when they got out the lift Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Park Life 70 Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 (edited) The krauts are always making jokes about Eng food. The krauts ffs! Yeah schnitzel it up fuckers! Poor old Germany. Their national cuisine already consisted of slabs of meat in various forms, then they got the immigrants - Turks, Yugoslavs - whose cuisine also consists of slabs of meat in various forms. Meanwhile, we got the herbs, spices and flavours. I've started saying we were busy running 3/4 of the planet to be worrying about sauces. Which is a bit naughty. Edited September 12, 2011 by Park Life Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
McFaul 35 Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 I work with floral scented and immaculately presented french birds. 64 women currently in department of 70. Some are mingers but hardly any are overweight and they all take care of their appearances. Some are uber fit too of course. One of the lads (who i quite like so i feel guilty about writing this) is apparently a bit of a creep when the women get pregnant, always going on about how beautiful the pregnant form is. Anyway, hes Mexican / French (grew up in Mexico, went to French school, one parent a frog) and his banter about British food has started to wind me up. "How do you say Bon Appetit in English? ..... Good luck. Ha ha ha" Never quite got round to asking him how to say 'wetback' in Mexican but the day may come. The krauts are always making jokes about Eng food. The krauts ffs! Yeah schnitzel it up fuckers! *French birds have that allure, never quite figureed out what it was.... I had a german boss who on being sat down at a swanky london restaurant asked loudly 'what are we having, Fish & Chips? Ha ha ha' to which i hastily added 'we can order in some sausage and cabbage if you want'. Our relationship came to a head in a taxi in Barcelona. 'Isnt Barcelona so much more beautiful than London' he says to me. 'Aye cos you lot didnt bomb the fuck out of it during the war'. I resigned within the year. He was made redundant the following year. As work wankers go, he was the biggest i have ever come across. He'd have been gleefully putting people in chambers had the nazi's succeeded. As Parky once said they've all got their evil robotic gene in them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Park Life 70 Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 (edited) Could be a tricky one tonight...Mrs P's German relatives who moved to South Africa in the 60's are over for dinner at her parents...The mix is definitely edgy..Must be on best behaviour... Plus I'll have to make some bullshit excuse so I can duck out for the game... Edited September 12, 2011 by Park Life Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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