Work wankers

[The Fish 8946]

Thing is, there's a hand written sheet somewhere, but I couldn't find it today

 

Where he mentions his perfect vision, his nerve damamged hands, his automechanics experience, his time in "the service"

 

honestly he's ridiculous.

[catmag 336]

• 02/08/2011 – This morning when I came in to work, a certain person was fondling a new ring he has just bought. Knowing that he was desperate to talk about it, I ignored him. After a while one of the guys asked him about it, to which he replied that it is a Solid Titanium ring and limited edition. It had scripture on, which he gladly translated to all of us. It is a replica Lord of the Rings piece. When asked him how expensive it was, he said guess. We said about £200 to goad him a bit.

 

After a while he said it was in the region of £500.

 

You get them out of the Sunday magazines, don't you? Limited edition Lord of the Rings titanium rings and William and Kate wedding plates etc. They cost about £99.99 which you can break down in manageable monthly payments...

[Meenzer 13932]

Decent summary that, like. They've got a long way to go with black people in particular. You still get greetings cards in Germany with cartoons of huge-lipped tribesmen with bones through their noses and all (no further context - the image itself is "funny").

 

Mind, sometimes they can be quite inclusive when it comes to black culture.

 

[McFaul 35]

Decent summary that, like. They've got a long way to go with black people in particular. You still get greetings cards in Germany with cartoons of huge-lipped tribesmen with bones through their noses and all (no further context - the image itself is "funny").

 

Mind, sometimes they can be quite inclusive when it comes to black culture.

 

they might as well have put Skrewdriver there.

[Asprilla 96]

• 12/05/2011 – Thursday He was a Harbour master and had the honour of mooring of the Marchioness

• 12/05/2011 – Thursday – Afternoon He could have calculated the correct way to blow up a planet, it depends on a number of factors such as the thickness of the crust. Suggested that he could work out the calculation and would know exactly how to blow up Alderon (Star Wars apparently)

• 12/05/2011 – Thursday - 18:00 He has been doing Karate since he was 3 and that training is why he can turn his arm 360, he went up the "Japanese mountains" to learn this craft

 

• 12/05/2011 – Thursday 18:54 He doesn’t have a pancreas

 

• 17/05/ 2011 – During a shift hand over; we were discussing possible locations for a summer

holiday 2011. Someone mentioned that it might be cheap getting to Libya. The response

to this from a certain person was that he has no intention of ever going back to that

godforsaken place again, after the hard time he had when he was working over there on

something he could not tell us about.

 

• 12/06/2011 – He hauled the bodies out of the water from the Marchioness

 

• 12/06/2011 – He witnessed British Soldiers executing Irish people behind the back of a double decker bus

• 01/08/2011 – He doesn’t believe in coincidence OR fate, but something else, that he could not or would not define.

• 01/08/2011 – He didn’t get his bog-standard fishing vest it was... “issued”. By whom, He's not allowed to say.

 

• 02/08/2011 – This morning when I came in to work, a certain person was fondling a new ring he has just bought. Knowing that he was desperate to talk about it, I ignored him. After a while one of the guys asked him about it, to which he replied that it is a Solid Titanium ring and limited edition. It had scripture on, which he gladly translated to all of us. It is a replica Lord of the Rings piece. When asked him how expensive it was, he said guess. We said about £200 to goad him a bit.

 

After a while he said it was in the region of £500.

 

At today’s prices:

Titanium = Not sold by the ounce as it is so cheap

Gold = £1100 per ounce

After googling the Ring = £60.55p

This person = Gollum

 

• He invented the ANPR

 

• 04/08/2011 He has qualifications in Quantum Mechanics and Astro-Physics

 

• Today ( Sat 13 aug 2011 ) Stanley told me that he has just got an iphone 5 for his mum and it took him 15 min to hack into it. They had not yet been released... anywhere... at all. This is the same mother who he declared a technophobe not a month ago

 

• When asked how much an average sized workmate weighs, the gentleman in question replied “Around 82kilos, the same as me, there’s not much in it.” This guy has more chins than my sister and a greater gut inch to height inch ratio than a paddling pool

 

 

 

Oh dear lord!

[Gemmill 34157]

I would love someone like that at my work. I'd sit next to him in every meeting.

[Billy Castell 0]

If this keeps up, this thread might become gold. It's one of my favourites.

[Brock Manson 0]

If this keeps up, this thread might become gold. It's one of my favourites.

 

It'll be locked soon tbh.

[The Fish 8946]

Apparently Stan is in Mensa...

 

is he fuck

[Monroe Transfer 0]

Suspected one or two to have taken the thread title literally as it were.

[Ayatollah Hermione 12733]

• 02/08/2011 – This morning when I came in to work, a certain person was fondling a new ring he has just bought. Knowing that he was desperate to talk about it, I ignored him. After a while one of the guys asked him about it, to which he replied that it is a Solid Titanium ring and limited edition. It had scripture on, which he gladly translated to all of us. It is a replica Lord of the Rings piece. When asked him how expensive it was, he said guess. We said about £200 to goad him a bit.

 

After a while he said it was in the region of £500.

 

You get them out of the Sunday magazines, don't you? Limited edition Lord of the Rings titanium rings and William and Kate wedding plates etc. They cost about £99.99 which you can break down in manageable monthly payments...

 

She says, looking up at her Royal Wedding teacups.

[Ally 0]

I worked with a guy a few years ago, good lord. some of his include:

 

EVERY day at 3pm looking at the clock and announcing to the office "is it that time already?"

 

Humming the tune of 'Ring of Fire' literally everyday for 2 years

 

he used to stay late in the office because he "couldn't bear to go home to that fat bitch". No one ever saw this wife.

 

Based in Sheffield he would stay in a Travelodge at any given opportunity (even if a meeting was local ish like Nottingham) because he didn't want to go home to the fat bitch.

 

Claimed he knocked the fat bitch out with one punch when she wouldn't let him put an England game on the tv.

 

There's probably more I can't remember. Such a tool. He got fired in the end, mainly because no one could bear to work in the same room as him.

[ChezGiven 0]

Suspected one or two to have taken the thread title literally as it were.

Nowt wrong with a bit of stress relief.

[The Fish 8946]

Anyone actually loved thyself at work then?

[catmag 336]

• 02/08/2011 – This morning when I came in to work, a certain person was fondling a new ring he has just bought. Knowing that he was desperate to talk about it, I ignored him. After a while one of the guys asked him about it, to which he replied that it is a Solid Titanium ring and limited edition. It had scripture on, which he gladly translated to all of us. It is a replica Lord of the Rings piece. When asked him how expensive it was, he said guess. We said about £200 to goad him a bit.

 

After a while he said it was in the region of £500.

 

You get them out of the Sunday magazines, don't you? Limited edition Lord of the Rings titanium rings and William and Kate wedding plates etc. They cost about £99.99 which you can break down in manageable monthly payments...

 

She says, looking up at her Royal Wedding teacups.

 

Teacups? I was at the wedding, man. Sat just next to the Beckhams...

[KeithJ 0]

I remember this when I overheard this guy on the phone at work arguing with three mobile and I started to pick up it was for £2.50 off his line rental otherwise he wouldn't renew. He spent 50 minutes on the phone and I felt like slitting my wrists just listening to him. He got off the phone and announced he got a one off saving of £2.50. Just 2.50!

 

He also played in our football group which I run, I decided to buy us some bibs and just rounded up for a few weeks to cover the costs. He complained at the cost going up for 32p! Saying I was taking food out of his kids mouths!

 

What a tight fisted cunt! Still I laughed when he came in with his priscription sunglasses after his ordinary pair broke. He looked like a peadophile. Just can't believe he stood in spec savers saying "THAT'S IT! That's the look I am going for! As if I sweat heavily going past a kids playground!"

[Monroe Transfer 0]

Suspected one or two to have taken the thread title literally as it were.

Nowt wrong with a bit of stress relief.

 

Not sure your boss would deem it a good use of company time.

[S-I-S-S-O-K-O 0]

Todays gem:

 

His feet actually froze solid during the Falklands War. They only thawed out when he got back to 'room temperature'. He now suffers from chillblains as a result.

[Howmanheyman 26590]

I once worked with an ex Navy man who discovered an old tunnel near a beach in Bulgaria, he and another holidayer fetched a torch and followed the tunnel till they found armoured personnel carriers and tanks which he reported to the MoD when he returned. He also claimed to have volunteered his services to the MoD a few days after the Twin Towers attack "In case the balloon went up" as he could pass "for one of the Beggars!". He was half Indian from London originally with a Squadron Leader type of voice and he spent nearly twenty years working by himself in the Boiler house before being transfered to work in my Department and he had twenty years worth of tales to tell and by Christ did he tell them! He came to my eldest daughters christening and my wife and her family were just about ready to kill him whereas me and my lot saw the funny side and took him with a pinch of salt. He was called 'Mac'.

[Brock Manson 0]

There's a woman who works part time in the office. She's in tuedays, thursdays and fridays.

She's in a general secretary/office admin assistant position for a mechanical engineering firm (we share an office with another company).

 

Every goddam tuesday she answers the phone and tells the caller "I'm part time, so tuesday is my monday!" and then giggles.

 

Whenever she gets the coffee, if anyone declines sugar she says: "you're sweet enough already!"

 

[Holden McGroin 4797]

There is a girl at work who ALL she talks about is cats. She is the most boring person I have ever heard.

 

SHe is about 4"9 and a little chunky monkey.

 

I have christened her Mugglewump. Muggles for short.

[McFaul 35]

I used to have a boss who was the biggest cunt I've ever known in general, he was alright to me most of the time tbf, but as bosses go he was like fuckin Pol Pot but slightly more ruthless. I've left this company now, but heard of an incident just this week, where my old manager handed his notice in, everything very amicable etc...last Friday as he was due to leave he was called in the office, and told by the MD, if he contacts any of his present clients, the MD will sue him for his home and everything he's got. This is after 5 years of absolute arselicking my manager, the MD loved him, then this, he should've chinned the cunt. The same MD is a coke head, and gave the manager £350 for a high class hooker as a reward. Fuckin what a heed the baal. I won't go in to details of his ethnicity to avoid racism accusations.

[Lake Bells tits 1]

I'm self employed. Boss is a right wanker.

 

Garden landscaping?

[Monkeys Fist 38535]

I'm self employed. Boss is a right wanker.

 

Garden landscaping?

 

Charity Fundraiser.

[sweetleftpeg 0]

I work with a lad who is canny enough but he's a bit of a two shits when it comes to his health. He's always got something wrong with him (never something to keep him off work I might add) and claims Drs never take him seriously. If you've broken a finger, he broke his arm once in 9 places. Got a nasty cut or gash? He once had his head completely taken off and sown back on.

Edited October 13, 2011 by sweetleftpeg