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The make up a joke thread


ajax_andy
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All jokes have to originate from someone right? So let's see if we can come up with some that have never been heard before and that might be the next 'why did the clock with only one hand cross the road?'.

 

I know about 99% will be awful, so let's us no mock terrible attempts too much (a little mocking is fine)...

 

Ok I'll go 1st... and yes mine will of course be utterly shite :D

 

How does a bird open a can?

With a wing pull

 

 

:outahere:

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A little kid goes to school...it's his first day and he's a little bit worried about his surname as he's called Rupert and he was bullied at his other school, being called Rupert the bear and snobby and such like.

 

As he gets into class for the school register, he can see all the class bullies eyeing him up. Then the register is called and his name comes up. "Tristram Rupert". yes miss replies Tristram.

 

The class all burst out laughing, ribbing him and pushing their noses up and making faces at him.

One school bully named big Baz points to Tristram and says, " wait till play time, we are all gonna beat you up and take your money off you."

 

Tristram was so scared that he jumped up from his seat and ran all the way home crying and sobbing. His Mother asked him what was wrong, so Tristram went mad and said , " it's all because of you and Dad calling me Tristram and us having a surname of Rupert"

 

His Mother phones his Dad from work and his Dad comes home with a Matalan carrier bag and says to Tristram, " here, hoy this clobber on and get back to school and nobody will touch you or call you anymore.

 

Inside the bag was something that would change Tristrams life forever. It was a pair of black plimsoles,a pair of tracky bottoms, a tiny sweat shirt and a duffle bag.

 

Tristrams Dad said, " right Tristram, get back to school and beat up anyone who calls you names because you can fight like Bruce Lee now."

 

Tristram goes back to school and the school bully sees him all dressed up in his new gear and says, " are you a martial arts specialist" and Tristram says, " yeah I am and I'm gonna beat you up."

 

The school bully poo's his pants and runs home crying to him Mam, who says, " what's the matter Bully" and the bully says, "leave me alone or I'll beat you up"...his mother shouts, " beat me up?, beat me up?...right that's it, I'm calling your father and he will come home and murder you and we will bury you in the back garden, because we are right scruffy bastards and that's what we do, alright like"

 

The bully got so scared that he ran away to Las Vegas for some unknown reason, especially as he had no money on him, so nobody knows how he got there.

 

In the end the bully was run over by a Greyhound bus in Vegas after running into a casino and robbing an old Nana of her winnings.

 

The moral of this joke is, never go to Las Vegas just because some snobby bastard comes to school thinking he's Bruce Lee, so there.

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I knocked on my neighbours door for a tin of dark blue paint he said he had in his garage and I needed for my garden as I wanted the trim of a small gate.

 

His lass answered looking terrible, red rimmed eyes and shattered. "Geoff died yesterday." she said.

 

I couldn't believe it! She said he just collapsed and had a massive heart attack. I didn't know what to say but managed to mumble something like, "did he say any last words?"

 

She cried a bit then shook her head.

 

I was at a loss of words before pulling myself together and asking her, "He never mentioned anything about a tin of dark blue paint, then?"

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I've come up with another joke which is probably even worse than my last one:

 

How do mexicans keep their feet warm?

 

Burritos

 

 

 

Might take a few seconds for that one to sink in :D

 

Two in one... :)

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