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wykikitoon

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Good Morning Campers


Bit of advice required.

When I first met my now wife she had discovered a month or so prior that her old man many years ago had a long affair.  Their parents remained together and it all seemed sorted.  My wife was very upset about the whole situation as you can imagine and went to counselling etc.  When I first met her parents you wouldn't have known about the affair and all seemed fine.  Her mother then I would chat with on the phone when she called and we would have a laugh and there was the odd time I called her for some advice myself.  She's an ex teacher and seemed to be great at listening and advice etc.

A few years into my relationship with my wife thing started to deteriorate with her parents.  Basically her mother has never dealt with it and with it being out in the open she seemed to think it was OK to be miserable.  Whenever we visit I always give her a hug etc and she would say stuff like 'Oh I'm glad you and x (her son) give me hugs because he never does' just snide petty comments like that.  Anyways, this has now got worse over the years and its just become uncomfortable around her.  It's so negative and it's just not nice.  I recently went away with my father in law, brother in law and some of their friends for a weekend in the Lakes.  She kicked off at that being a lads weekend away and she phoned him at 11pm asking where he was etc.  Basically she has zero trust in him.  The only time she appears to be relaxed is on holiday with him and thats because in her words 'He's a different man on holiday' but really, it's her that's different and that' because she knows where he is 24/7!

 

The whole situation now has made my wife and brother in law angry more than sad now.  They don't enjoy being around her for long periods and whenever they come and visit we anticipate the glum face and the 'He's moaning because I've forgotten xyx'.  I wouldnt now think of calling her if I needed a chat or advice either, which makes me sad.  She doesn't seem to listen when they have tried to speak to her and get the stock answer of 'we're alright' but that clearly isn't the case.

 

They're both not spring chickens anymore and I get the feeling they just don't see the point in divorcing so lets live the rest of our lives in misery (which could easily still be 20+ years!)  Father in law still works 3 days a week and he enjoys it.  Still fit as a butchers dog and I am sure some of it is because he gets to leave the house still!

I have told my wife to write her parents a letter.  If they don't listen when spoken to, the words on a piece of paper my hit harder and mean something.  It's by no means meant to upset them, but what is happening to the relationship with their children is not good.

I don't have a clue what else they can do? I mean ultimately it's up to their parents to sort out and if they don't, they will end up having less and less contact with their kids.


Any other advice?
 

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So what I gather from that is you're asking is it okay to slip her a length? I mean it's unconvential but if you think it'll help then it's worth a shot.

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Well the more serious answer would be couples counselling. It's not up to the kids to resolve the situation, if they can't do it themselves then they need an independent mediator. 

Some people might be reluctant to go down that route because it's an admission that everything isn't perfect but clearly neither of them are happy and nothing is going to improve unless they do something about it.

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Really difficult situation since she is in effect justified in her paranoia about the situation. I mean it's fairly clear I would think that some manner of couples counselling is appropriate.

 

Trust is a really difficult thing to win back and from how you've described it, it would seem that your Mother In Law's self esteem took a hammering from this - having said that though, if she's not getting any affection or reassuring comfort from her husband then that is unlikely to be helping.

 

If she can't get past it, then they should divorce, clearly. I suspect fear of being alone is putting them off that though. I would say maybe some activities to build your Mum IL's confidence up might help? Make her feel more empowered and in control of her life, not in a constant state of worry about someone else's behaviour? Maybe your wife could take her on holiday or whatever (you could even potentially coincide it with a lads one and advise her Mum that you'll keep a firm eye on her husband if it helps for the first few times). But I think restoring her own agency and sense of value in her own self might be important. I mean if she's constantly worrying about him cheating or straying then she's obviously worried about the extent to which he values or loves her. She can't control that though, so she's better served valuing and loving herself.

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Just now, ewerk said:

Well the more serious answer would be couples counselling. It's not up to the kids to resolve the situation, if they can't do it themselves then they need an independent mediator. 

Some people might be reluctant to go down that route because it's an admission that everything isn't perfect but clearly neither of them are happy and nothing is going to improve unless they do something about it.

 

This is very true also tbf. Can be hard to just stand on the sidelines though.

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Without doubt her confidence took a right smash.  She apparently knew about it and kept quiet as my wife and brother were kids at the time and she didnt want anything upsetting them.  It's so difficult and messed up.


A few years ago my wife would have taken her mum away.  No chance now because she is pretty difficult to be with at the moment.  We are going on a family holiday in Sept. We did last year in the hope it would go a way to building it but it just was the same all over.  One of the nights entertainment was a bunch of lasses dancing in next to fuck all.  We were all having a giggle and the 'Oh you never looked at my boobs when they were that big' it's just comments like that what you get tired of.

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1 minute ago, wykikitoon said:

Without doubt her confidence took a right smash.  She apparently knew about it and kept quiet as my wife and brother were kids at the time and she didnt want anything upsetting them.  It's so difficult and messed up.


A few years ago my wife would have taken her mum away.  No chance now because she is pretty difficult to be with at the moment.  We are going on a family holiday in Sept. We did last year in the hope it would go a way to building it but it just was the same all over.  One of the nights entertainment was a bunch of lasses dancing in next to fuck all.  We were all having a giggle and the 'Oh you never looked at my boobs when they were that big' it's just comments like that what you get tired of.

 

Ok maybe it's not even a couples counselling issue so much as a personal counselling issue. She needs to remember that she's her own woman. Maybe even needs to rebuild her ego from the ground up since her worry sounds incessant. I think the first step might be a kind of intervention style sit down where you all express that you love and care about her, but that her inability to handle what has happened to her is driving a wedge between her and everyone in her life (which is doubtless obvious to her as well, and making her worry worse) - and from there, ask her to go to counselling, maybe even find a good one for her, and indicate that none of you are going anywhere, you're all there to support her, but that this is important and that she needs to take ownership of the situation too.

 

The difficult thing really is that you can't "save" other people. They have to see it and save themselves. But you can at least try to bring the issue to a head. Maybe keep her husband out of it though in case she starts getting defensive and deflecting onto him/triggering some kind of argument. If she does get defensive maybe just wait for her to get it all out every time she jumps in, and then bring her back with "we understand what happened but..."

 

It's a tough one man, sorry you're going through it - I can imagine how frustrating it is for a family that just wants to be happy together. Further down the line I think it might be worth the couples counselling and your Father IL coming to terms with how much damage his actions caused also.

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Sounds good, thanks.


When she was teaching by the sounds of it she was bloody good at it.  She was in PE.  She played at county level for Squash and Hockey and then since retirement, kids have left, this affair she seems lost.  So I assume she has all this shit built up in her head and now she has time it's rattling around her head.

Even when I chat to my father in law about squash I always get the quip from her 'Oh I played county before he did'.  

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9 minutes ago, wykikitoon said:

Sounds good, thanks.


When she was teaching by the sounds of it she was bloody good at it.  She was in PE.  She played at county level for Squash and Hockey and then since retirement, kids have left, this affair she seems lost.  So I assume she has all this shit built up in her head and now she has time it's rattling around her head.

Even when I chat to my father in law about squash I always get the quip from her 'Oh I played county before he did'.  

 

Aye, I think you're right tbh. She needs to work through it, no shame in it at all and it sounds like she has many positives to use to build herself back up if she gets the right counselling professional.

 

Good luck.

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Tell your wife to send her mam a letter. If she doesn't hear anything in a week, follow it up with a dildo. I think that should do it. 

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7 hours ago, wykikitoon said:

Fuck me, I had a bet that Fist would be the first one with that remark :lol: 

:lol: Sorry, on nightshift. 

But aye, give the MIL a rattling. 

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