Mackem Jokes

[Howaythelads 0]

I did a search and couldn't find a dedicated thread for mackem jokes only, thought it might be good to have one. If one does exist, can one of the clique please delete this thread.

 

A Scouser, a Geordie and a Mackem were in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them.

 

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death . However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.

 

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

 

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said:

 

"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

 

The Scouser was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back."

 

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. He had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

 

The Mackem was next up (he almost finished an entire bottle by himself), and after watching the scene, said: "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back."

 

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Mackem out crying like a little girl.

 

The Geordie was the last one up (he had finished off the crate, and was most certainly responsible for getting the whiskey into the country in the first place), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said...

"You support the greatest team in the world, you may have two wishes!"

 

"Thanks, your Royal Highness," the Geordie replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

 

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh says with an admiring look. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" he asks.

 

Geordie: "Tie the Mackem to my back."

[peasepud 59]

Not sure if this has been posted on here but.......

 

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot pours him the perfect pint, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"

 

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and sexual proclivities.

 

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot so he walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.

 

Again, the robot serves him a perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"

 

The man responds, "about a 100."

 

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, rugby, supermodels, favorite foods, guns, and women's body parts. Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test.

 

He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"

 

The man replies, "Er, 15, I think."

 

And the robot says... real slowly,

 

 

"So............... who do you think they'll get to replace McCarthy ? "

[daveytait176 0]

Not sure if this has been posted on here but.......

 

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot pours him the perfect pint, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"

 

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and sexual proclivities.

 

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot so he walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.

 

Again, the robot serves him a perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"

 

The man responds, "about a 100."

 

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, rugby, supermodels, favorite foods, guns, and women's body parts. Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test.

 

He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"

 

The man replies, "Er, 15, I think."

 

And the robot says... real slowly,

 

 

"So............... who do you think they'll get to replace McCarthy ? "

105451[/snapback]

 

 

I like that one

[Howaythelads 0]

I like that one 

105511[/snapback]

 

So do I. But I prefer mine, tbh.

 

Surprised at the lack of mackem jokes, somebody must know some more.

[peasepud 59]

I like that one 

105511[/snapback]

 

So do I. But I prefer mine, tbh.

 

Surprised at the lack of mackem jokes, somebody must know some more.

105529[/snapback]

 

I liked yours as well, first time I heard it I laughed and laughed and laughed then it was bed time, well it was a school day.

 

 

 

Bloke sitting at a bar having a drink on a saturday afternoon with his dog lying at his feet, the football scores come on and announce "Newcastle 1 - Arsenal 0" the dog jumps up, runs round and does a back flip, "Boro 1 - Man Ure 0" the dog lets out a long groan and buries its head in its hands.

 

Barman says "wow thats amazing, whats he do if Sunderland win?"

 

Bloke replies "dunno mate, Ive only had him a year"