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13 hours ago, Howmanheyman said:

Friday night in, having a couple of drinks, chilling, couple of mates having a bit of crack via WhatsApp.....

 

The Crack:

 

Mate 1:

 

"Last time I had ibuprofen was on me 60th birthday…I wasn’t feeling too good and me and Jane had the night in Berwick, had curry for lunch and Turkish for evening meal…as well as about 8 Ibuprofen…then the next day we went to Holy Island and we were about a mile away from the public toilets and the previous days Ibuprofen / food kicked in and despite a rather speedy walk to get to the bogs..I failed to reach them and shat my pants..I blamed it on turning 60.

 

It wasn’t amusing at the time…though I do laugh now. Anyway, I got to the bogs as the last 100 yards or so were rather arse clenching as my guts certainly weren’t empty. I got ito the cubicle, dropped me trousers, peeled me boxers off me arse and sat on the bog…caked arse and boxers full of mud, and the smell unbearable. I took my socks, shoes and jeans off…gave my arse a wash with the bog water, and wiped myself clean with my socks, then dumped me socks and boxers down the bog, and put me jeans and socks back on. I didn’t feel dirty at all…and that was that.

 

I’m glad I was of assistance to humour you chaps on this glorious evening…I don’t want to get into the drive home, but I thought I cleaned up thoroughly…and I was clearly acclimatised to my stench…Jane had difficulties driving without wretching. If it’s any consolation I haven’t shat myself since."

 

Mate 2:

 

I’ve had a similar experience myself. I drank Guinness for two days with the lads a few years back. We were playing cards in a pub in Durham when I indulged in a slight botty burp. I realised when I stood up that my arse and back were covered in black shite. Fortunately, I was wearing a trendy cardigan so I tied it around my waist until we got to the next pub. When I carried out a site survey I discovered that my worst fears had indeed come to pass. I spent a good 15 minutes raking out my 501’s and generally cleaning myself up. The train ride back was a little challenging as my chums took great pleasure in my misfortune."

 

I recounted this tale....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fairly amazed at their going out for bait in the evening after a curry at lunchtime tbh :D 

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Not quite as bad as joining the Mud Ckub, but I’ve only just, today, this fucking morning in fact, discovered that there is a second pair of blackout curtains in my truck, that drop down alongside my bed. 
IMG_3074.gif.7a1b4abd1f91b871f37474af56048402.gif

Ffs… 

 

 

No more hanging towels to try to block out  light. 

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Can't believe nobody so far has mentioned the cultural event of the year so far, the demolition of Hexham House in Walker. The wife mentioned it but we forgot about it till we were sitting having a cuppa in the house and heard a big explosion in the distance. :lol:

 

 

 

 

The crowd. :lol:

 

 

 

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I was just thinking earlier on that he'll be on GB News before too long cooking up Great British Bangers. He'll be on about 15 minute cities on twitter within 6 months too. Retweeting Sharron Davies. 

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Tales From The Truck : Volume IX. 

 

One of the things they don’t teach you when you take your test is how to deal with the boredom once you’ve done the same route a few times. 
 

I’m sure you’ll all join me in congratulating myself on winning a Gold Medal at the Fart Olympics. 
The winning move was a Triple-Split Trump Triumvirate. 
One fart, which, on its route to freedom, splits in to three, one each going either side of your nut sack, one going direct up the middle of the bag. 
Done three consecutive times. 
I’m absolutely delighted. 
I even topped it off with a Quad-split, which is as above but with an extra gufflet heading up the back groove. 
Outstanding. 
 

Sadly, since I’ve just dropped the kids off at the pool, the tank is empty and no more Arse Athletics are likely for the remainder of my run. 
 

The hours just fly by. 

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7 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said:

One of the things they don’t teach you when you take your test is how to deal with the boredom once you’ve done the same route a few time

 

Fail. I believe what you're officially supposed to do is put a brick on the gas, put your feet up on the dash, and watch netflix on your tablet. Unless it's really misty, in which case you should also be sending text messages as you do this. 👍

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On 01/12/2024 at 10:18, Gemmill said:

Screenshot_20241201-101610.png.dbe2a64c29af3e7304b28d6dea33bfa5.png

 

:lol:

 

This cunt. The AUDIENCE is the problem, not Greg's great material. 

Well it’s not going to be some young kid on the crew who’s worried about losing their job, is it? 

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I've finally fucked off Instagram. Every fucker want's to be an influencer now.  Why cant people just do their hobbies without tagging in fucking companies virtually begging for free shit? 

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FFS. Just fucked up on my IT awareness by clicking on an obviously fake link from a phishing e-mail sent by my own company to catch us out. I'll probably be sent in shame to do another fraud awareness course now. 

No excuse really except their filtering is normally soo good I just accept the stuff that does get through is legit. 

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