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Holiday Dumps

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Went on holiday about a week ago and only now have my shites became solid again.

 

Thought great, im off on holiday before going, two days in and nothing but hot farts repeating every three to four minutes...

 

Woke up the third day and pissed shit out my arse, now, the splots is one thing but the shit was that runny it could have came out my japeye better.

 

The remainder of the holiday I would wake up, crack one off to denise austins yoga on the tele whil ewondering if they had cameras in the room and were all pissing themselves watching me wank with a tab hanging out my mouth, semi suspended, feet on the coffee table, shoulders on couch, arse in midair, you know the drill. Before being interupted mid wank by several hot farts followed by a stomach rumble then a sudden rush to the shitter hoping not to spray shit round the room to shit like a firemans hose on burst mode.

 

This happened for ten days whilst eating flying fish subs and other dodgy dishes follwed by an asehole burning and a fear of piles, piles that might burst while swimming in the sea leading to a shark attack keeping me outa the water.

 

First time I have been on holiday since I was 17 ( Im now 30, fear of flying ), so my question is.....

 

 

Is this normal holiday bowel behaviour ?

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We love a good 'shite' thread here at toontastic. :(

 

 

In answer to your question - yes, if your not careful.

 

ive even used bottled water to brush my teeth rather than risk a case of the Kansas quickstep.

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Im going to Greece for the first time this year. I've heard you have to stick the toilet roll in the bin? Will be a bit of a mare that like, especially with a beer shit.

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you should just shit in the bin and wash your arse in the bog.

 

Get them foreigners thinking were a funny bunch.

 

So its the water eh, I was drinking the tapwater and the bottled water, but dont you piss water out ?

 

I thought you shit food and piss water and drinks, so hows that work then, does the water confuse your body into thinking its shite ?

 

If it helps at all now Im back Im on about one shite every four days, feel like beaufort t justice, Im backed up more than freddy sheperds greggs bill.

 

bit of a pisser really, think I might be creating a monster and I can sympathise with the fear that mothers to be go through, doing breathing excercises as I type

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btw, nobody wants a job as a midwife for a massive shite do they ?

 

All you have to do is grab the turtles heed and tweek it out slowly and gently.

 

3.50 an hour, it could be an ordeal so I can see someone making 7 quid

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So its the water eh, I was drinking the tapwater and the bottled water, but dont you piss water out ?

 

 

159937[/snapback]

 

It's like this (don't mean to sound like I'm dumbing it down, but....)

 

Water goes in the mouth. Germs and nasty stuff in water your body isn't used to. Water hits gastrointestinal tract. GI track gets arsey and reacts with gas and liquid poo. Piss water out, bowels evacuate contents on a regular basis until normalcy is regained due to alien life forms from foreign water.

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I see, well, I doubt those alien life forms will want to come anywhere near me again as they must have been hot by the time their journey ended.

 

thats all I have to say for them, and being peppered on the back of the bowl after such an ordeal at speeds of over 300 mph cant be a pleasant exp either.

 

Germs must be nutters

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My tale of Woe began last Thursday night. Had been fishing on the boat all day and when i got back on dry land i had a few pints of snakey then developed an unusual craving for a Kebab so off i go to Pelmi's in Byker as the chilli sauce is fantastic, got a bit of a bolognese taste to it but with a nice kick.

 

I get home and open the Kebab and thicken it with the chilli sauce, BINGO! Only this week they must have put to much chilli in the mix as it nearly took my face off but there was no way I was going to allow this small obstacle stop me finishing this meaty wonder.

 

3am and i wake up severe stomach pains, off i go to the toilet drop a batch then back to bed, no problems. Got up the following morning and went for my usual morning drop off and the fireworks began, if i hadn't known better i would have swore someone had just let off a mini rocket up my arse, it was fucking agony, so much so i had to shout of the bairn to bring the baby wipes and after each lot i was having to clean the area up.

 

Only this wasn't enough, i ended up clinging to the radiator that's next to the toilet shouting wor lasses name through gritted teeth, "Kez, get the fucking Sudacrem, this is serious", in she comes to the blast site with the neccessary's and i take large scoop and ram my index finger up my arse to the knuckle. This didn't extinguish the fire completely but it did help. :D

 

 

Moral of this story, sample your chilli before you thicken your scran with it. :(

Edited by Wacky Jnr

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My tale of Woe began last Thursday night. Had been fishing on the boat all day and when i got back on dry land i had a few ponts of snakey then developed an unusual craving for a Kebab so off i go to Pelmi's in Byker as the chilli sauce is fantastic, got a bit of a bolognese taste to it but with a nice kick.

 

I get home and open the Kebab and thicken it with the chilli sauce, BINGO! Only this week they must have put to much chilli in the mix as it nearly took my face off but there was no way I was going to allow this small obstacle stop me finishing this meaty wonder.

 

3am and i wake up severe stomach pains, off i go to the toilet drop a batch then back to bed, no problems. Got up the following morning and went for my usual morning drop off and the fireworks began, if i hadn't known better i would have swore someone had just let off a mini rocket up my arse, it was fucking agony, so much so i had to shout of the bairn to bring the baby wipes and after each lot i was having to clean the area up.O

 

Only this wasn't enough, i ended up clinging to the radiator that's next to the toilet shouting wor lasses name through gritted teeth, "Kez, get the fucking Sudacrem, this is serious", in she comes to the blast site with the neccessary's and i take large scoop and ram my index finger up my arse to the knuckle. This didn't extinguish the fire completely but it did help. :lol:

 

 

Moral of this story, sample your chilli before you thicken your scran with it. :(

160247[/snapback]

 

:D:):lol:

 

The image of you gripping the radiator and shouting "This is serious" as if the devil himself was in your arse is class. :lol:

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My tale of Woe began last Thursday night. Had been fishing on the boat all day and when i got back on dry land i had a few pints of snakey then developed an unusual craving for a Kebab so off i go to Pelmi's in Byker as the chilli sauce is fantastic, got a bit of a bolognese taste to it but with a nice kick.

 

I get home and open the Kebab and thicken it with the chilli sauce, BINGO! Only this week they must have put to much chilli in the mix as it nearly took my face off but there was no way I was going to allow this small obstacle stop me finishing this meaty wonder.

 

3am and i wake up severe stomach pains, off i go to the toilet drop a batch then back to bed, no problems. Got up the following morning and went for my usual morning drop off and the fireworks began, if i hadn't known better i would have swore someone had just let off a mini rocket up my arse, it was fucking agony, so much so i had to shout of the bairn to bring the baby wipes and after each lot i was having to clean the area up.

 

Only this wasn't enough, i ended up clinging to the radiator that's next to the toilet shouting wor lasses name through gritted teeth, "Kez, get the fucking Sudacrem, this is serious", in she comes to the blast site with the neccessary's and i take large scoop and ram my index finger up my arse to the knuckle. This didn't extinguish the fire completely but it did help. :D

 

 

Moral of this story, sample your chilli before you thicken your scran with it. :(

160247[/snapback]

 

 

:) Was worth the wait for the story tbf.

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My tale of Woe began last Thursday night. Had been fishing on the boat all day and when i got back on dry land i had a few pints of snakey then developed an unusual craving for a Kebab so off i go to Pelmi's in Byker as the chilli sauce is fantastic, got a bit of a bolognese taste to it but with a nice kick.

 

I get home and open the Kebab and thicken it with the chilli sauce, BINGO! Only this week they must have put to much chilli in the mix as it nearly took my face off but there was no way I was going to allow this small obstacle stop me finishing this meaty wonder.

 

3am and i wake up severe stomach pains, off i go to the toilet drop a batch then back to bed, no problems. Got up the following morning and went for my usual morning drop off and the fireworks began, if i hadn't known better i would have swore someone had just let off a mini rocket up my arse, it was fucking agony, so much so i had to shout of the bairn to bring the baby wipes and after each lot i was having to clean the area up.

 

Only this wasn't enough, i ended up clinging to the radiator that's next to the toilet shouting wor lasses name through gritted teeth, "Kez, get the fucking Sudacrem, this is serious", in she comes to the blast site with the neccessary's and i take large scoop and ram my index finger up my arse to the knuckle. This didn't extinguish the fire completely but it did help. :D

 

 

Moral of this story, sample your chilli before you thicken your scran with it. :(

160247[/snapback]

 

The moral of this tale is never buy takeaway food in Byker ffs!!!!

 

And as for grabbing on the radiator, how did you reach that with your dwarf arms?

Last time I was round yours I had to give you a bunk up onto the bog cos the bairn was already on the potty.

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My tale of Woe began last Thursday night. Had been fishing on the boat all day and when i got back on dry land i had a few pints of snakey then developed an unusual craving for a Kebab so off i go to Pelmi's in Byker as the chilli sauce is fantastic, got a bit of a bolognese taste to it but with a nice kick.

 

I get home and open the Kebab and thicken it with the chilli sauce, BINGO! Only this week they must have put to much chilli in the mix as it nearly took my face off but there was no way I was going to allow this small obstacle stop me finishing this meaty wonder.

 

3am and i wake up severe stomach pains, off i go to the toilet drop a batch then back to bed, no problems. Got up the following morning and went for my usual morning drop off and the fireworks began, if i hadn't known better i would have swore someone had just let off a mini rocket up my arse, it was fucking agony, so much so i had to shout of the bairn to bring the baby wipes and after each lot i was having to clean the area up.

 

Only this wasn't enough, i ended up clinging to the radiator that's next to the toilet shouting wor lasses name through gritted teeth, "Kez, get the fucking Sudacrem, this is serious", in she comes to the blast site with the neccessary's and i take large scoop and ram my index finger up my arse to the knuckle. This didn't extinguish the fire completely but it did help. :lol:

 

 

Moral of this story, sample your chilli before you thicken your scran with it. :(

160247[/snapback]

 

:D:):lol:

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My tale of Woe began last Thursday night. Had been fishing on the boat all day and when i got back on dry land i had a few pints of snakey then developed an unusual craving for a Kebab so off i go to Pelmi's in Byker as the chilli sauce is fantastic, got a bit of a bolognese taste to it but with a nice kick.

 

I get home and open the Kebab and thicken it with the chilli sauce, BINGO! Only this week they must have put to much chilli in the mix as it nearly took my face off but there was no way I was going to allow this small obstacle stop me finishing this meaty wonder.

 

3am and i wake up severe stomach pains, off i go to the toilet drop a batch then back to bed, no problems. Got up the following morning and went for my usual morning drop off and the fireworks began, if i hadn't known better i would have swore someone had just let off a mini rocket up my arse, it was fucking agony, so much so i had to shout of the bairn to bring the baby wipes and after each lot i was having to clean the area up.

 

Only this wasn't enough, i ended up clinging to the radiator that's next to the toilet shouting wor lasses name through gritted teeth, "Kez, get the fucking Sudacrem, this is serious", in she comes to the blast site with the neccessary's and i take large scoop and ram my index finger up my arse to the knuckle. This didn't extinguish the fire completely but it did help. :D

 

 

Moral of this story, sample your chilli before you thicken your scran with it. :(

160247[/snapback]

 

The moral of this tale is never buy takeaway food in Byker ffs!!!!

 

And as for grabbing on the radiator, how did you reach that with your dwarf arms?

Last time I was round yours I had to give you a bunk up onto the bog cos the bairn was already on the potty.

160476[/snapback]

 

546498108mnu7.jpg

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Pleased you all found it funny, but believe me it was no laughing matter at the time, my arsehole was like the map off bonanza for days and I'm still coming to terms with having to put my finger up my arse. ;)

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My tale of Woe began last Thursday night. Had been fishing on the boat all day and when i got back on dry land i had a few pints of snakey then developed an unusual craving for a Kebab so off i go to Pelmi's in Byker as the chilli sauce is fantastic, got a bit of a bolognese taste to it but with a nice kick.

 

I get home and open the Kebab and thicken it with the chilli sauce, BINGO! Only this week they must have put to much chilli in the mix as it nearly took my face off but there was no way I was going to allow this small obstacle stop me finishing this meaty wonder.

 

3am and i wake up severe stomach pains, off i go to the toilet drop a batch then back to bed, no problems. Got up the following morning and went for my usual morning drop off and the fireworks began, if i hadn't known better i would have swore someone had just let off a mini rocket up my arse, it was fucking agony, so much so i had to shout of the bairn to bring the baby wipes and after each lot i was having to clean the area up.

 

Only this wasn't enough, i ended up clinging to the radiator that's next to the toilet shouting wor lasses name through gritted teeth, "Kez, get the fucking Sudacrem, this is serious", in she comes to the blast site with the neccessary's and i take large scoop and ram my index finger up my arse to the knuckle. This didn't extinguish the fire completely but it did help. :rolleyes:

 

 

Moral of this story, sample your chilli before you thicken your scran with it. ;)

160247[/snapback]

 

The moral of this tale is never buy takeaway food in Byker ffs!!!!

 

And as for grabbing on the radiator, how did you reach that with your dwarf arms?

Last time I was round yours I had to give you a bunk up onto the bog cos the bairn was already on the potty.

160476[/snapback]

 

546498108mnu7.jpg

160515[/snapback]

 

Pisstaking twats!

 

Pelminos is a top chippy and the kebabs are magic, just jealous beacuse your lass won't let you eat kebabs since she put you on that slimfast diet

 

icon072.gif

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My tale of Woe began last Thursday night. Had been fishing on the boat all day and when i got back on dry land i had a few pints of snakey then developed an unusual craving for a Kebab so off i go to Pelmi's in Byker as the chilli sauce is fantastic, got a bit of a bolognese taste to it but with a nice kick.

 

I get home and open the Kebab and thicken it with the chilli sauce, BINGO! Only this week they must have put to much chilli in the mix as it nearly took my face off but there was no way I was going to allow this small obstacle stop me finishing this meaty wonder.

 

3am and i wake up severe stomach pains, off i go to the toilet drop a batch then back to bed, no problems. Got up the following morning and went for my usual morning drop off and the fireworks began, if i hadn't known better i would have swore someone had just let off a mini rocket up my arse, it was fucking agony, so much so i had to shout of the bairn to bring the baby wipes and after each lot i was having to clean the area up.

 

Only this wasn't enough, i ended up clinging to the radiator that's next to the toilet shouting wor lasses name through gritted teeth, "Kez, get the fucking Sudacrem, this is serious", in she comes to the blast site with the neccessary's and i take large scoop and ram my index finger up my arse to the knuckle. This didn't extinguish the fire completely but it did help. :rolleyes:

 

 

Moral of this story, sample your chilli before you thicken your scran with it. ;)

160247[/snapback]

 

The moral of this tale is never buy takeaway food in Byker ffs!!!!

 

And as for grabbing on the radiator, how did you reach that with your dwarf arms?

Last time I was round yours I had to give you a bunk up onto the bog cos the bairn was already on the potty.

160476[/snapback]

 

546498108mnu7.jpg

160515[/snapback]

 

Pisstaking twats!

 

Pelminos is a top chippy and the kebabs are magic, just jealous beacuse your lass won't let you eat kebabs since she put you on that slimfast diet

 

icon072.gif

160662[/snapback]

 

You look like you need to join me to be honest but I'm not venturing on a jog along the dunes with you after the last time, defo not the first time he's put his finger up his shitter! :P

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