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NUFC Certainties of the season


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- Opposition fans will pantomine boo Shearer.

- Opposition fans will pantomine boo Bowyer.

- West Ham and Wigan fans will bring big away allocations and be noisey.

- West Brom's away fans will not be as numerous or as noisey as last year.

- Shearer will miss a sitter and have his name chanted.

- Ameobi will miss a sitter and be taken out to Leazes Park and shot.

- We'll get to the latter stages of either the FA Cup or League Cup before drawing Chelsea/Manure/Arsenal and getting knocked out.

- Given will have at least 3 games where he single handedly saves us.

- The proper derby games, Tyne-Wear, will be either drawn or won by either side by the odd goal.

- We will have an injury crisis. (you could say it's already started)

- Robert will be shit against us yet still score a free kick.

- Our best three home performances of the season will be battling, gritty up for it performances against Chelsea, Manure, and Arsenal.

- Our three worst will be Wigan, West Brom and West Ham.

- We'll win Fuck all.


Feel free tro add.

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The post-match craic will be canny despite (or because of) the fact you ran out of things relating to the match to talk about after 5 minutes (because it was so shit).

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Les Ferdinand will re-sign for Newcastle after a striker crisis.

Freddy Shepherd will sell Jenas to Spurs for an undisclosed fee and will use the money to buy an Extra Value Meal at McDonalds. Shortly later the club will become bankrupt.

Ameobi gets injrued after falling over and has a row with Souness because he won't play injured in a Carling Cup match against a non-league side.

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Lee Bowyer's leg will accidentally come in contact with another player after a mistimed tackling.. No warning is issued, but 5 months later Newcastle police will claim they heard reports of a Newcastle player brutally attacking another player and will appear in court.

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- End of season quotes from various players will include repeated use of the phrase "the fans deserve better than this".

- The same quote will be used following our exit from both domestic cup competitions by the same players.

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Souness will receive a touchline ban and fined at least twice for comments made against referees.


He then explains not saying anything doesn't work because Jenas's tackle was perfectly acceptable and shouldn't even be a yellow card, whether it will be reviewed again or not.
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