Lazarus 0 Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 The other day, my friend Carson sent me an email containing a nice, long, luscious list of phrases that could substitute for the declaration "I'm having my period." The minute I opened the email I thought, "That's funny, how does he know I have my period? This'd better be good... I'm feeling kind of crabby." I hope the anonymous originators of these phrases don't mind me sharing their witticisms with eye readers. Not only is collecting euphemisms about bodily functions a hobby of mine (it's a love-of-language sort of thing), but they were just so funny, I couldn't help myself. I could see myself repeating some helpful modern phrases, such as "Not tonight, dear, Miss Scarlett's coming home to Tara" or "Sorry, I'm taking Carrie to the prom." The next time someone asks me why I'm so crabby, I can see myself politely responding, "I'm sitting on a nice merlot," or "I'm rebooting the Ovarian Operating System." I also cracked up at "I'm dredging the Love Canal," "I'm T minus nine months and holding" and "I'm boarding the Testy Train." We've come a long way, baby, from saying "I've got my friend." My friend! Ha! With friends like that, who needs someone punching you in the stomach for five days while the blood gushes everywhere? Over the years, my friends (my human friends -- not, you know, my friend who only visits me once a month unless I'm on the pill) and I have come up with quite a few euphemisms for what, as you grow older, becomes a celebrated monthly event. For instance, the other day a fortysomething friend of mine who was projecting the estimated arrival time of her menopause triumphantly shouted from my bathroom, "One hundred and eighty eggs to go and counting!" Those of you in your early 20s could shout something like "Three hundred and sixty eggs to go and counting!" Just do the math, subtract the months during which you plan to be pregnant (because, of course, you are practising planned parenthood and not using abortion as a form of birth control) and you'll have a euphemism you can use for the rest of your fertile life. Many of my friends, mostly male, are fond of Egyptian-inspired euphemisms to describe this monthly event. For instance, Bob the photographer used to be very fond of saying, "Not tonight, Mark Anthony, I'm on my pyramid" whenever I showed up at his door looking kind of, you know, grouchy. Apparently, he was inspired by my '80s Cleopatra hairdo. For years, I just said, "I'm on my pyramid," sometimes taking the imagery one pretentious level further by saying, "The banks of the Nile are overflowing and running red." Imagine the soulmate I found when I met my friend the AngieChrist, who one day just popped up with "I'm on the Nile." In high school, I remember saying to the school nurse, "I'm having a car wreck down there!" Later in life, I used to say that to my friend Troy, who would then want to know all the grisly details: "Is it a five car pile-up, or just a single pedestrian?" And I would reply with something like, "It's a 10-car pile-up plus a tanker truck," and he would volunteer to go to the store to get me some "mouse pads." Other interesting euphemisms for the monthly menses include: "I'm seducing the vampires," "I'm having my very own personal St. Valentine's Day Massacre," "I'm having a glass of V8," "I'm crying me a bloody river," "It's Lestat time," "I'm pumping death," "There's a volcano in the cradle of civilization," "I'm painting the town red," "I've got a red-eye," "Here comes the crimson tide," "I'm smoking a ladies' cigar," "There's blood on the saddle," "There's a red tide in Clam Harbour" and, most recently, "My little Monica is weeping." A quick look through Roget's International Thesaurus turned up only two old euphemisms: "flowers" and "the curse." "I'm making flowers" is kind of nice. I like that. Curse, of course, can be extended to "the curse of Eve." Then why don't we just say, "God's punishing me for being a woman" instead of "I've got my period"? Then of course there's always the technical "I'm having my catamenial discharge." That one should get you the day off work. Or you could get very pomo about it, you know, like in Edward Albee's Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? and go, "I'm sorry... I'm having my euphemism today." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tooj 17 Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 How on earth did you come across this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lazarus 0 Posted March 9, 2007 Author Share Posted March 9, 2007 How on earth did you come across this? just kinda surfed there....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tooj 17 Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 How on earth did you come across this? just kinda surfed there....... Dredging of the love canal is gonna get knocked out to any lass at work tomorrow who one way or the other gets on my tits. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Walliver 0 Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 I like 'fallen to communists'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyluke 1 Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 "On the blob" remains the creme de la creme of menstruative euphamisms. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jimbo 133 Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 "got the painters in" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.../\......\o/... 0 Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 Curse of Eve... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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