Viz Letters

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Yes, they appear on a message board every other week, but they're still funny. So there.

 

Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the RAC have more responsible employees.

Hugie Dixon, West Drayton

 

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?

Dave Owen, Edinburgh

 

I don't know why cigarette manufacturers put those big warning stickers on the side of their packets. If anything, it is likely to put people off buying the product.

Mark Mayhem

 

Yesterday in my local TKMAXX, I went into the household bit and saw a non-stick frying pan with a price sticker on it. Who the are they trying to kid?

Graham Wilson

 

'A little bit of what you fancy does you good' they say. It wrecked Gary Glitter's career good and proper, though, didn't it?

Nick Pettigrew, London

 

I have never been a fan of U2 or Take That. Several years ago my two children bought a copy of U2's latest album and Take That's 'Back for Good' single from our local HMV. What I said to them was this: "You two can take back U2 and Back for Good by Take That back for good and that." I still find this amusing. Do I win a fiver?

Bill Newton

 

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.

Mike Woods, e-mail

 

The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final score place our national champ in the world league table?

Magnus, Sheffield

 

 

I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of.

Mrs Close, Headingley

 

 

According to Bill Bryson in his book 'A Short History of Nearly Everything', the vigorousness of a man's beard growth is proportional to the number of times he thinks about sex. This being the case, Archbishop of Canterbury Dr Rowan Williams ought to be ashamed of himself. Filthy beast.

Mrs Yeoman, Kidderminster

 

Those speed cameras are useless. Whenever I see one, I just get out and go past it on foot. They haven't caught me yet!

Larry Fist, Lloyton

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"I have recently started to fancy Jimmy Krankie. Im not sure wether this makes me gay, straight or a paedophile. Can any readers help?"

[luckyluke 1]

Cracking stuff SLP.

 

Another of my favourites is:

 

"If I was Dr Who I would have bent that Billie Piper over the tardis console and given her what for before you could say Jack Robinson. Then I would use my time-twiddling abilities to keep me permanently in the vinegar strokes, so I remained a state of constant ecstasy. Does anyone else waste their time by thinking of frankly unlikely sexual scenarios involving time lords and their chipmunk-faced apprentices?"

Edited August 16, 2005 by luckyluke

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