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Worked with someone who reckoned his dad jumped overboard a ship docked just off Malta to swim there for a night out. Got halfway to shore and he was getting tired and a passing dolphin sensing him struggling gave him a lift. It was also on hand to help him swim back when he was full of blooter.

"How's the bacon, you say?"

I've worked with a few 'tall story' merchants but a few were real characters to be fair. The real work wankers are as funny as toothache and could never have you laughing. One old workmate told a tale about stealing a fire engine in Cairo and driving around in it to impress a 'Russian' princess he later shagged. Another old navy sweat told us a tale about a pet monkey called Gus which had us on the floor laughing. Apparently he traded a little monkey with some natives offshore in Africa, he knitted a red velvet waistcoat for it and they were besties at sea and he was basically Gus's dad. Then they arrived months later at Liverpool and someone said he couldn't bring Gus ashore so he handed Gus over to a passing tugboat and that was that. Years later, coming into Liverpool he looked onshore at some bushes at dawn and saw this massive gorilla like creature with little bits of ripped red velvet around it's shoulders. 'Gus?' he shouted and the beast obviously heard him and recognised his voice as it became quite animated beating it's chest and waving back at him.

You have to admire the bloke for sticking to his guns given how easy it is to prove him wrong. Barefaced Billy Bullshitting is a dying art these days thanks to those bastards at Google. Fair play to him for giving it a go.

Laters, lol!

What a gimp he is man, as I’ve said I hope everyone in the NE just stops bothering with his articles as he clearly has such disdain for the area. What other reason would he have to bring Parker up, other than to defend a bloke that’s been a below average manager for 20 year? I know he likes to pretend his scope is greater than NE football but tbh it’s not. It might sound harsh wanting the bloke to lose his job, but tbh the NE football community deserves better than this fucking loser. He’s clearly hit his ceiling as a journalist and is pissy about it, the bloke hasn’t broken a notable story in who knows how long despite two years of sucking Bruce off, so has now taken to simply trolling the fan base he’s supposed to be engaging positively with and building trust with. I honestly have more respect for Lee Ryder at this point and he’s a journalist that can’t spell check his own articles for fuck sake. Edwards now basically just posts a shite article coupled with a trolling tweet, then when people point out something from the tweet, headline, or synopsis he just retorts with some rehashed bullshit telling them to read the article in a snobby, arrogant tone. He’s an arrogant prick for someone that is clearly shit at his job. It would be far better having someone that’s excited at the opportunity to cover NE football, and actually work to produce interesting articles/genuine information, he conveniently forgets he acted like the Henry Mauriss bid was more credible than the Saudi one... His knowledge of football is also very poor for a bloke whose job is to literally talk about football. He’s acting like it’s insane for people to say they’d take Parker over Bruce, yet Parker got Fulham promoted which is something Bruce hasn’t done in fucking yonks (including when he had the most expensively assembled squad in Championship history), Parker is also working with a newly promoted side not one in their 4th season so Luke should be able to see that’s not a fair comparison, there’s also the fact that Parker doesn’t regularly embarrass himself and the club he represents, nor does he see a decent win as an opportunity to launch attacks on his own clubs fan base. I think Luke is also missing the point that people that are saying they’d take Parker over Bruce aren’t suggesting Parker is some brilliant manager, it’s further indictment of Bruce. If the bloke genuinely can’t see why the fan base has an issue with Steve Bruce then he’s beyond help.

See to be honest, Im all for the chance to watch the Old Firm b-teams get shown up by part-timers on a weekly basis. The Stirling Albion victory over Ally McCoists 4th tier Rangers team is honestly the only reason I've still got a DVD player. Actually, might put it on now.

I’ve got a lovely wife and two kids, haven’t died yet, and in my youth shagged most of Europe ( and Joe Brown’s daughter @PaddockLad). Canny successful in my book. #dirtybusiness #heronfoods #bige #whyamireplyingtothisdullard

Now I can see why Talksport are saying Parker has had a much easier time of it because he's easier on the eye.

Bloke at work was telling us he’d seen Jimi Hendrix play at the Mayfair. Hendrix never played the Mayfair, he played The Go-Go and City Hall in 1967. Maybe he got the venue mixed up, you say? I asked him how old he is, he’s 62, so he’d have been 9yrs old in 1967. He totally failed to realise I’d just called him out, and went on to describe how he’d been blown away when he played Voodoo Chile. Voodoo Chile was recorded in 1968, a year after Hendrix last appearance in Newcastle. Whopper

As insults go I quite enjoyed this bitter missive .....apparently from a character in a 1990s ITV London based police drama

I think Derby are going to get relegated anyway on account of FFP breaches. Good job English football kept the Saudis out mind

Funny thing is he probably gets the takeover info off Bruce. Meaning Bruce knows about as much as the rest of us. As an aside, I remember Bobby Robson trying to get to the bottom of who kept leaking stories to the press about what was going on behind the scenes. Apparently it was Freddie Shepherd

@Howmanheyman, this bloke is definitely in the second category of work wankers- he thinks he’s a gaffer ( aye, one of them). The first time I spoke to him, he’d pointed out some minor discrepancy in what I was wearing ( hadn’t yet been issued company gear), and told me I couldn’t wear toecappers to drive. My first words to him were, Me-” Are you one of the gaffers?” BS- “ No, but I’ve been here a few years” Me- “Right…fuck off then” Turned out even that was shite as he’d been there 6 months

"And that, son, is how I met your mother."

it's cringeworthy like and a bit sad to watch a 40 odd year old bloke's mental breakdown unfold in real time on an open forum like twitter. most media companies have pretty strict social media guidelines regarding trolling readers, or feeding trolls, getting into massive arguments, wasting time and energy trying to have the last word in arguments with online strangers etc etc. it's damaging for the paper's brand and it's hard to believe the telegraph haven't noticed what is going on, or at the least had a word. i know people who have had severe bollockings for far less.

It was so fucking ridiculous - I knew ( without Google) that Hendrix had never played the Mayfair, (partly down to previous Williams claiming to have seen him there) and also since this bloke was clearly not old enough. I already had “full of shite” vibes about the bloke, but this was just confirmation. I didn’t call him out as I want to see what other shite he comes out with. ( Claimed to have seen Pink Floyd in the same conversation, but I didn’t ask him for details on that- totally possible he has seen them, but if, as I suspect, he’s claiming Syd Barrett Floyd he can fuck off twice. ) Hendrix and Floyd played on the same tour in 1967, appearing at the City Hall… when he was 9.

Wait till he tells you about the time Vera Lynn sang to him and the rest of the lads on Normandy beach a couple of weeks after they'd taken it good and proper.

Every loser wins by Nick Berry

I once worked with a bloke in his 50s who reckoned he was fishing once, drew his rod back and it hooked onto a sheep in the field behind and he proceeded to be dragged across said field by this sheep. He also reckoned his brother won the lottery and never told anyone, and that he used to rob post offices. After I left that job one of the lads there text me to tell me the same lad had told them he'd seen a UFO.

All the pictures need are a can of rich energy badly photoshopped in

I hope so, just to annoy those Man United fans like Bruce and Edwards.

That's because it samples one of the greatest jazz tracks (Cantaloupe Island) by one of the greatest musicians that ever lived (Herbie Hancock). Even US3 couldn't have fucked this one up.

this one still sounds fresh as fuck

Just had my second dose. World is a slightly better place (not withstanding kick-in period).

I can imagine. That fat media tart was a right rent a quote. His “Lauren Robert is gone...good” line still makes me lol

Johnson's got off it off to perfection, near daily, in front of millions of telly and social media viewers tbf.

His job will be next if he doesn’t have a quiet word with himself

I'd love to see the spreadsheet essembee has made for all of this.

No, I don’t remember that.

There’s part of the problem though, I’m not. There’s fucking millions, just like me, bored fucking rigid with the endless fuckery, thinking “ Just stop being cunts- run the fucking country without screwing it up”

Maybe it’s because he’s incompetent, about 20 years behind the times, arrogant, mercenary, incapable of handling criticism, has a fucking terrible track record, has took the club backwards despite having a decent transfer budget, doesn’t believe in tactics, doesn’t have any real philosophy about how the game should be played, has produced some of the worst football I’ve ever seen in last 30 or so years here or maybe there’s another reason the fans haven’t taken to him

“Even a boiled egg can look at a beech tree” #deepasafryingpan #bige #heronfoods #themethsiskickingin

Double Pfizer, with a free shot of Rich Energy Tramp’s Piss for those who currently have the virus and have subsequently lost their taste. ( aye, both shots were Pfizer).

The neighbour’s what?

Give us a break rents 😭

More intelligent than the swimmer's son.

My uncle did actually see him at the Go Go. Or so he reckons. At least he’s old enough to have done so like.

He’s getting flayed in the replies, more over the “managers are judged on results.” line tbh. What a fucking weasel

New series of Fargo streaming on All4

Washington Examiner is openly conservative and publishes articles about climate change denial and how prayer mats are found at the Mexican border wall No surprise they are publishing other Trump conspiracies too

and he's a fucking hideously ugly cunt.

Should clarify that he absolutely loves porn. Keeping the entire industry afloat

I didn't spot that bit. I wondered why it was a lot of Liverpool fans that didn't seem too fussed that he had died.

Barely related but my mate was buying a house recently and their lass looked at his bank statement and asked what “Brazzers Premium” was

Except for that time when he got relegated with notts county which doesn't seem to count as it wasn't the PL. Convenient for him. Till now.

He sat on the board of the local CCG when the decision was made, whilst Labour were in power. He’s from Stockton on Tees where the A & E was moved to. And he was a massive remainer .It beggars fuckin beleif that he was viewed as a decent candidate by anyone at the top of Labour. Anyway...

There'll be nobody within a couple of metres of you. Just like a normal matchday