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A 10ft coffin, slowly whirring down the aisle carried by 6 weeping Roombas.

I blame her husband , Sochal Distan Singh.

A friend of mine went into hospital yesterday with corona-virus they put him on one of the new Dyson ventilators last night and today he is really picking up very well

For old times' sake...

Was there no explanation in your e-mail?

Went to the supermarket this morning and watched a guy purchase a piñata, some paella and a sombrero. I thought to myself... Hispanic buying.

Prince Charles is isolating at Balmoral with Covid-19. Prince Andrew is isolating at Windsor with Jennifer-14.

All you can do is do what you can. Don't forget, your boss is maintaining a line here because he has to. Are they really expecting that there will be no dip in productivity in all this? It's possible, but it's unlikely. But they have to maintain that line to stop people taking the piss. Read the email in that context and then just do the best you can. You are self-evidently not taking the piss and you're not about to start. So just be assured that whatever you can do each day is the best that you can do, and don't stress about the shit that doesn't get done. Zoom out on all of this and you realise that none of this shit matters. The important stuff is what's going on in the hospitals and the people trying to find a vaccine. Everything else is completely irrelevant. Try and remind yourself of this. Seriously, it doesn't matter and its definitely not worth having a breakdown over. Good luck. And I hope this doesn't sound patronising cos I am genuinely concerned about you.

Renton fucking livid. "EH!? HOW IS THIS CUNT GETTING DAYS OFF? Wait til this morning's video call. I'm doing it fucking shirtless."

I may have also lost my shit with a few people and ranted this morning: ‘As a friend drove through Newcastle last night they reported back that the bars and pubs were absolutely heaving with people. I know of at least 2 places that were having “final fling” nights in their pub. The pubs I passed on my way to work were full at 7pm. “One last pint!” “Best go out while we can!” “Ahhh I’m fine man, it’s being blown out of all proportion!” Did you have a good night? Bit tender this morning? Well I hope that pint was worth it. In a couple of weeks time when someone you love is battling for their life on a ventilator, being given 24/7 care by my colleagues in a department that will have to spill over into a makeshift Intensive Care Unit in the back of Recovery, and you’re praying to a God you don’t even believe in; I hope to the same God that it was truly worth it. And if they don’t win that battle, and they become another statistic in this horrendous nightmare that hasn’t even scratched the surface for us here in the North East, don’t DARE suggest that we should’ve done more to help them. You selfish pricks.’

Never mind that, imagine being stuck in Italy. Not only are you on lockdown but now you've got arseholes standing on their balconies singing and playing instruments. I could honestly think of nothing worse.

Trolled by The Colonel

But surely.....

See how you fucking like it on your streets.

Ordered a Chinese takeaway and went to the door to collect it as you do and the fucking Chinese lad started screaming 'Isolate! Isolate!' I said, 'Chill oot Jackie, I only rang up for it 20 mins ago.'

Aye, he’s honestly sub human scum. I thought he had some sort of idea behind being president (not saying his goals would have been good just thought he had some), but this has made it pretty clear his entire reason is simply to be president and he’s going to aim for that regardless of the human cost. Personally getting worried, two staff at the supermarket across the street have just tested positive today. My wife is newly pregnant (we had our first scan pushed back to an undetermined date which has made her even more anxious worrying about not getting prenatal care or even if the baby is okay at this point) and evidently they don’t have much insight into the effect on first trimester, her mother has lupus (and is struggling to get her medication as there’s a shortage of it as it’s one that is rumoured to be a possible medicine against this), and this absolute fucking fat piece of shit has completely reverted to pretending like this is no big deal. He’s apparently been referring to it in past tense, and saying we’ve learnt a lot from it, absolutely staggering. I’ve never liked him but this has pushed me to a point of fucking despising him, if he does do what he’s threatening and it has the predictable dire consequences he should be brought up on fucking charges, or war crimes seeing as he was acting like he was a general in a war at the weekend. I agree with everything Rappaport said in his rant, if people re elect this piece of shit after this I’ve given up hope with people. There’s also a billionaire who owns that hobby lobby chain store who has said they need to keep working the staff and there will be no sick pay for those who get it, I’m not normally one to push for things like this but when/if we make it through this we need some drastic fucking overhaul, as these billionaires have basically all turned their backs so it’s high time we cracked down on the cunts and stopped acting like they’re hero’s that deserve all their ungodly fortunes because they brought some fucking jobs to the table for fuck sake.

Ventin' Renton. Sounds like a nickname Trump would give him.

You’re an absolute cunt

In two months time: "Hello there, Boris here, in this unprecedented time with a global pandemic still being fought, with the nuclear fallout from ex-President and current inmate at San Jose death row, Donald Trump who accidentally pushed the red button thinking he was getting Fox news instead, through to the invasion of the killer tripod aliens and their attempt to farm humans for their dietary nourishment, I once again call on everyone to stay calm and at home. Non-essential manufacturing workers can use our new interactive map which highlights radio active fallout hotspots, Covid-19 hazard areas as well as alien blindspots where their antennas can't smell human prey to plan their journey to work. Thank you."

Shitting it about my Mam and Dad if I’m honest. And my lass who works on coronary care. Although statistically speaking she should be ok. Trying to keep things normal for the sake of the kids. I’m lucky in that I’m public sector and able to work from home. The economic effects look like they’ll be devastating but you can recover from that, unlike death of course. Just try and be sensible I suppose and eliminate the risks as much as possible. I really hope everyone is ok and the likes of J and Cath have my utmost respect. Worth sparing a thought for all those other ‘key workers’ like those earning not very much but putting themselves at risk working in places like Asda. Hopefully something better can emerge from this and we can start moving away from the petty, arrogant little nation we seemed to be heading for

Bollocks, if you worked for the NHS you’d have mentioned it before now.

Raab doesn't realise how important his mouth is for accessing his stomach.

Public Service Announcement

I'm fixin to get spangled this evening. Your mam, dad and sister are picking me up shortly. Your dad reckons he knows a good dealer, so hopes are high.

“I’D RATHER BE A SICKNOTE THAN A CORPSE best regards etc etc “ There was a group call thing yesterday and I’ve found out this morning that the lads were all told “keep attending sites, if you don’t there’s 100s who will” which is utter bullshit considering we’re a week away from TUPE. There’s been very good news this morning too, I’m signed off till mid May and our new employers have confirmed that I’ll be off on full pay because of my health issues in relation to Coronavirus and it won’t actual affect sickness benefits. They’re basically paying my full salary from April 1st

It doesn't of course, but it's got a huge propensity of attacking a certain demographic who generally have a "gammon" viewpoint. My parents are just as likely to be victims of course, and they are massive europhiles. This is exactly the time I'd like Europe to act cooperatively. And for the US to have retained its pandemic response team. But Breixuters like you and nationalistic cretins like Trump have ripped up the hard fought protocols we had. You voted for it, own it.

Now you suddenly care about others? Fuck right off man.

If they declare this season null and void and Liverpool’s efforts are struck from the record, I will never stop laughing.

The major supermarkets have introduced purchase limits to combat the Bog Roll Bandits. All below are per person limits. Asda - 2 bottles Hand Sanitizer, 24 toilet rolls. Tesco- 2 bottles Hand Sanitizer, 18 toilet rolls, 2kg dried pasta Sainsburys- 3 bottles Hand Sanitizer, 12 toilet rolls, 1kg rice or quinoa. Lidl - 2 bottles Hand Sanitizer, 1 Trumpet, 1 Diving suit or MIG welder.

watch till the end for the twist

Little bit of goods news lads regarding the son in laws ex. Apparently she responded well to dialysis this afternoon. Her body oxygen levels are back up to 65% whatever that means. She's still in a medical induced coma but hopefully there's a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel.

Cheers. Self isolating for 12 weeks (At least) due to wife’s Asthma. Daughters fine (single) and just qualified as a teacher so ready to marry off ? New hobby: Chicken keeping (Mainly for the 9 year old to have some activity / routine / fun during the next several months. Making Bread and trying to watch a comedy every night. Trying too avoid too much news, twitter etc and just full of admiration for the people fighting this on the frontline. Hope everyone on here stays safe and try’s to keep their pecker up as best they can. Fat little cunt out

I'm in a weird situation. My parents literally live next door, in fact the other half of the semi-detached. They are both vulnerable to this, especially my Dad. I do the best I can to disinfect myself, and will enter their house, to talk. Always 2 metres from each other, no drinks etc. 15 mins max. No way, are the kids getting in, despite my mum crying about this. They are in contact over the garden fence, but that's also shit cos my mum's deaf. My Dad had been surprisingly sensible, and sanguine. He's 87, and is sensible, but accepts he's more than had his fair innings. I love him. I know we all lose our parents at some time, but I'm terrified by this. In other countries, like Italy, funerals have even be banned. More generally, im so sick and tired of the last 5 years. It's not been great, in any aspect of my life.

The worlds landscape will be changed for the next decade. America will have it ten times worse than us too. It can go 2 ways though, either we pull together like we did following WW2, or the Cummings and the like use this as an excuse to ramp up control of the masses permanently. Good luck to everyone on here, I hope most of us survive relatively unscathed both medically and financially

Putting aside the ‘biggest club to play in tier 3’ nonsense, the bellend also thinks there are only 10-15 clubs bigger than them in the country They’ve played 2 games in European competition, look set to be a third division side for a third year, 3 seasons since they were last in the top flight, yet this spanner thinks they’re in the top 10-15 biggest clubs in the country I suppose the longer they’re at their proper level the more ridiculous the straws they clutch at will be, it was ‘everyone’s cup final’ last season, season 3 in League One will surely make them realize teams don’t see them as a scalp ffs.

I can just imagine his poor young kids, sitting watching 4 frozen chickens slowly rotting in the garden. “ Daaa-aaad, when will they start making eggs?” Edit; the average going rate for a ready-to-lay chicken is between £15-20 each. Whoever sold the Tory Tit four for £20 obviously saw him coming and sold him some budgies with red Haribos glued on their heads.

Italy

On the plus side, No Deal is going to seem like an absolute doddle after this.

If it is declared null and void. The headline will be...... Liverpool -18 Covid-19

Elite football and Scottish football both suspended.

He was putting it away as he entered the park, he's not a monster.

"WHO'S YOUR MESSIAH NOW? PEAKY BLINDERS OR SAVO MILOSEVIC"