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I went paddle boarding in Rhodes last year. The hire bloke asked me if I was a professional? I said no, I'm not interested, I'm making shitloads out of Nursing.

last couple of pages on here make me happy I don't do the twitter thing and just reinforces ny opinion it's a cesspit of minging, festering shite. sort of place where alex hurst and exile1968 hangout.

Tomorrow; CT: "Anyone have any recommendations for a new mobile phone? Doesn't have to be absolutely top end but still something decent. Old one currently at the bottom of the river Wear."

FYP. This is literally where we’re at as a country.

Just imagine the adventures you can have once the probation officer takes your ankle tag off.

This pair of fucking idiots and their race to the bottom on FUCKING EVERYTHING. I'm the biggest cunt. No I'M the biggest cunt.

You should give the upper Tees a crack CT- beautiful river and valley, easy access. High Force to Low Force. Get in just above High Force …

ASM is frustrating as fuck. Potentially a top player but so inconsistent. Would you be sad to see him go if we end up with Paqueta, Diaby and Broja? I wouldn’t

This on repeat basically

Fuck Off.

long ago, back in the olden days it was widely rumoured (myth or otherwise) that alan oliver was being fed tits bits of info from shepherd which suited his (freddie's) agenda. oliver apparently had a new jag every year for his troubles, he was equally renowned for being 'wide of the mark' I mean, the chronicle, ceefax and teletext was bad enough for churning out shite. quite why anyone would trawl through endless tweets of inane drivel from know nowt cunts desperately hoping they'll find a glimmer of truth while simultaneously driving themselves round the bend is beyond me. but hey, each to their own!

Fuck me, let me shake the hangover off first. It took all my energy messaging Gloomy this morning

Bloody hell Very brave going in where there’s Orca’s. Saw them up close in Florida in the 90’s (sea world - I know), but I would be terrified meeting them on a kayak. Saw this video the other day with whales which would have been magical.

It's unreal isn't it. Using "being on the same side as human rights lawyers" as an insult ffs

Aye, but then you can’t have your kayak and eat it.

Can you imagine if ASM did that man

SUP? Looks more like SDP Thanks for keeping the trotters covered up btw

alright Sean

Good night out in Newcastle if nowt else

If I could wave a magic wand I'd sell ASM, get Broja on loan, and buy Paqueta and Diaby. Paqueta and Diaby would cost around 90m so the club would likely want/need, who knows with how much we can or want to spend because of FFP, tired talking about it, to move for both Paqueta and Diaby. Diaby can play left or right pretty interchangeably, Paqueta can play on the right as well as centre and attacking mid, Broja can play wide right as well a centre forward, and we have Fraser who's decent on the left, in his favoured position, as he showed when ASM was injured last season. In my opinion he's not as effective on the right. Those three moves would leave us with a lot of flexibility in attack.

I’ve been impressed by how he has raised his game since the takeover and he’s saying all the right things. I’d still like to see Paqueta come in and Shelvey forced to work even harder to get a game

JONJO Shelvey is joking about his baldy head putting 10 years on him. Well, the ripped physique he has unveiled here in Austria this week takes that decade back off. For one month solid this summer, in the seaside town of Belek in southern Turkey, he worked alone with a personal trainer. All the while, his wife and children were by the swimming pool. Shelvey sacrificed several social engagements back in the UK to remain at his Mediterranean boot camp. Anyone present at Newcastle’s friendly matches this week was instantly moved to comment on his new, slimline look. It was as noticeable as the mountains forming the backdrop to the countryside stadiums of Saalfelden and Kufstein. In fact, the club’s nutritionist is encouraging the 30-year-old to eat more to sustain energy levels. Why, you might wonder, has Shelvey not done this extra work in recent years? The first explanation is that he was invariably injured. At Newcastle, he was not alone on that front. But more so, you learn, it is the influence of Eddie Howe and the standards demanded by the head coach that has led Shelvey to reconsider how he spends the close season. The midfielder’s feet have seldom failed him; his mind and body have not been so reliable. Howe wants to change that. ‘The gaffer might text you at half 10 one night with a clip from training,’ says Shelvey, speaking amid the Tirol Mountains. ‘He’s constantly on at you, reviewing your game. It’s football, football, football. ‘In past years, you go home and leave the football at the training ground. You just switched off. I wouldn’t go home and think about what we did at training. I would leave my work at work and concentrate on the kids. ‘Now, I’m going home thinking about what I could have done better at training. That is something the gaffer has instilled in us. As soon as Eddie came in, the intensity of the sessions went through the roof. Every drill is set up, they all lead into each other. ‘It isn’t until the manager comes in here that you feel proper fit. It’s been a breath of fresh air. It’s just a great place to be. The manager has been brilliant for this club.’ That much was evident watching training in Saalfelden this week, where former Spurs and Germany star Christian Ziege’s house overlooked the pitches. He even appeared briefly on his balcony at one stage. Indeed, it was tiring just to observe one of Howe’s team-based possession drills, where the stakes seemed higher than either of their two friendly games. It was not just the collection of coaches on the perimeter that afforded no hiding the place, the players knew that a drone hovering above was capturing every action for Howe to re-watch later in the day. Shelvey was among those who impressed - you would expect so in a technical session - but it was as much his energy in closing down and tackling that caught the eye. So what did his summer involve? ‘I’ve not really had a summer,’ he says. ‘I was injured at the back end of the season. I went away and did my rehab in Turkey and took my trainer with me. I took the missus and kids as well and we stayed there for a month. We didn’t bother to come back. ‘I just basically smashed the gym. I didn’t do too much running, just into the gym building up my legs and body. It got a bit boring towards the end.’ A legacy of Mike Ashley’s Newcastle is that Shelvey needs to play only three more matches to earn a contract extension. There will no doubt be some around the Saudi-owned club who would prefer to have more control over such matters, especially as the new deal will take the former England international beyond his 32nd birthday. But for Shelvey, his situation presents a challenge, one whereby he must prove himself worthy of a place at a club whose ambition is to challenge at the top of the Premier League. That, in truth, is where he always imagined he would be competing when debuting for England, aged 20, a decade ago. In his seven seasons at St James’ Park, though, the team has never been higher than 10th. Now, under the meticulous management of Howe and with Saudi backing having seen £150million spent on seven new players since January, there is every chance that ceiling will be broken this campaign. Shelvey knows as much and that is why he is fighting to be part of it. Does, though, the arrival of the likes of Bruno Guimaraes - a £35m playmaker who starts for Brazil - hasten the need for extra effort? Shelvey seems unimpressed by the suggestion. ‘I wouldn’t say it was because of players coming in, I back myself against any player. I know my ability. Everyone knows what I can do with a football. It’s just me keeping fit and showing the gaffer every day in training. ‘Don’t get me wrong, Bruno is a fantastic footballer, but there are going to be even more fantastic footballers joining the club. You have to raise your game constantly every day and strive to be better. Since I’ve been here, it’s the strongest the squad has been and I just want to be part of it. I back myself to do that. ‘With the way the game is going, you’ve got to get on board or you fall by the wayside. A lot of the game is now based on stats, which may be right or wrong, but that’s the way it is. If I didn’t buy into it, I’d be out the door.’ Shelvey was sent off in the first game under Saudi ownership in October. A second-half substitute, he had only been on the pitch for 23 minutes. Many thought it signalled the beginning of the end for a player whose form and fitness have too often let down his obvious ability. He returned, however, to anchor the midfield of a team who climbed from 19th to 11th, finding themselves fourth in the Premier League form table from January onwards. Top four, that sounds good for this season? ‘Let’s not go there,’ says Shelvey. ‘We need to have a season like West Ham did last year, fighting for Europe. Qualify for the Europa League, that is the next step for this club. ‘We haven’t really set a target but we know we have to use the team spirit from last season. You can see the spirit around the camp. There were so many singers around the hotel after dinner the other night, people were actually volunteering. It’s just a great place to be at the moment. No, before you ask, I’m not a singer! ‘But the club are putting in the foundations to go right to the very top. It’s an honour to still be here and to be part of the journey.’

Calling it now, CT will be magnet fishing within the year.

Nobody fell in? What did they give you??? “ Master Wave Dog, this pointy headed fucker wants to hire some SUP boards for the day…” ” Give him that old barge and a couple of shovels, he’ll never know the difference and think he’s Steven fucking Redgrave”. “ No worries”

Saint Jude, don't take it bad Take a shit thread and make it shitter Remember to let NUFC into your head Then you can start to get more bitter Saint Jude, don't be afraid You were made to go out and get the them The minute you let the mags under your skin Then you begin to make it bitter And anytime you feel the pain, Saint Jude, refrain Don't carry the world upon your shoulders For well you know that it's a fool Who plays it cool By making his world a little colder Nah, nah nah, nah nah, nah nah, nah nah Saint Jude, don't let me down You have found NUFC now go and get them Remember to let the mags into your head Then you can start to make it bitter So let it out and let it in, Saint Jude, begin You're waiting for RTG to perform with And don't you know that it's not just you, Saint Jude, you'll do The chip that you need is on your shoulder Nah, nah nah, nah nah, nah nah, nah nah yeah Saint Jude, don't take it bad Take a shit thread and make it bitter Remember to let the mags under your skin Then you'll begin to make it bitter, bitter, bitter, bitter, bitter... oh! Nah, nah nah, nah nah, nah, nah, nah nah, Saint Jude Nah, nah nah, nah nah, nah, nah, nah nah, Saint Jude Nah, nah nah, nah nah, nah, nah, nah nah, Saint Jude (Jude) (Apologies to Lennon and McCartney)

Kyphosis is the preferred term we use at the Dad’s for Change group, yeah?

I did hear a story years ago where SBR wanted to try and find out who was the mole who kept feeding the press stories and it turned out it was Shepherd

I was actually lucky enough to see them in the wild on that holiday. But I wasn’t on a kayak, fortunately there’s been a few sightings off the Northumberland coast in recent years. I saw loads of humpbacks on that holiday too.

Kudos to having enough motivation to continue finding a new hobby every few weeks Im 40 in a fortnight and am very much in the "I know what I like" phase of life

Howe has also been quoted as saying that we made need to be flexible depending on who's actually available in the market. Howe - "I think you have to be adaptable. If we can't find the right player I might have to look at other positions. Certainly, we are looking at one or two players that could make the difference."

I do think around £50m is what they want us to spend. That would take the spending since they took us over around £200m. Which is a huge amount compared to what we are used to.

We all know how much money we have left to spend. The chicken nonce told us

Paqueta isn't happening. Willock, Bruno and Joelinton probably our starting 3 CMs, backed up by a revitalised Shelvey, Sean Longstaff with a new contract, Elliot Anderson breaking through and Matty Longstaff probably get loaned out again. We have £30mil ish to spend and need a striker and a winger. We aren't going to blow the budget on an 8th CM. Nor are we going to drop £30/40mins on Paqueta and play him out of position on the wing or up front like it's championship manager

I think the suggestion is, if we are limited by FFP is get rid of a player and use that money to strengthen two area's.

Then take your pick from Brojan, Fraser, Almiron even Paqueta as back up, were Polarboy’s scenario to happen. That would be an unbelievable window tbf.

Some boy. He needs to stay and get some minutes under his belt with us this season

Who they playing? The blind school?

After 45 minutes of falling in a pond, CT is now an Aquatic Zen Master

He’s apparently been getting help from the Doddie Weir Foundation, it’s raised so much money it’s changed the face of research into MND https://www.myname5doddie.co.uk/ Met Weir a couple of times in my youth (some mates played against him at school/youth games, I liked rugby but was never near that level) once I was escorting the cousin of one of his Scotland teammates out for a drink… things were going ok, then he walked into the bar we were in with his mate Carl Hogg (Hogg now married to Jill Douglas, BBC sports reporter and CEO of the DWF) my date immediately made a beeline for these two very tall athletic looking lads, I was introduced and after pointing out some mutual friends I was mostly silent, she spent the next hour heavily flirting with them and other rugby types. Didn’t see her again.

.just needs sam fender playing guitar.

Mr Embarrassed of embarrassment avenue has now handed his notice in to Embarrassland theme park quoting that Man city video and telling his bosses he just can't compete with that.

How the fuck could you forget Diego 😱 he’s a cornerstone of the board, you’ll be forgetting that other great poster … erm…. Whatisname you know, the one who’s never wrong and who said Everton were going down, you know the one I mean, he’s Renton’s bitch, aye him.

I only tuned in mid way through the second half but think we have dominated them physically. I wouldn’t mind dominating a few of them physically myself.