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Be like my dad, we were summoned to the hospital (he was 87), he was still breathing but basically gone, after about 45 mins he gave a HUGE glorious smile and that was it, was lovely truth be told.

Some outlets managed to strike the right balance.

Imagine wasting your second last day on the planet meeting Boris Johnson and Liz Truss. What a shite note to finish on.

and that's a subtitle update

Well, it's one way of achieving her long-term goals...

Just seen Speedo would have been 53 today. RIP mate, hope your team is top of the league wherever you are.

Whether Willock was likely to get there or not is irrelevant. He was fouled and fouled before he clattered into the goalkeeper. The laws of the game state the first offence is punishable, not the last or 'what may have happened'.

Went to Carlton Bank yesterday to watch the Tour of Britain. Fuck me, almost ended up in a fight with a loud mouthed Smoggie cunt My mate and I decided to stand on the lower part of the climb as the Beefeater wankers were further up and all seemed pissed. So we wanted somewhere a little quieter. Anyway, it got busier before the race came through. Some old kid came and stood near us. Then put his phone on full blast and started to watch the race. That was annoying and a few others near us didn't seem impressed. Then he saw a couple of lads riding up he knew so he shouted them. They stood on the other side of the road and were basically shouting at each other. About 10 minutes of this and various people now moving away my mate turns to the old kid and said 'If you turn the race off and go stand with your mate to talk you don't have to shout' This old kid looked at my mate and told him to fuck off Anyways, race came through and this old kid was obviously a full on expert. As it came passed it went it a bit like this; Smog 1 excited as fuck 'That's Ritchie Porte on the front smashing it for Pidcock' Me 'That's not Porte, it's Fraile' Smog 1 'Is it fuck' Group comes passed Smog 2 'He's right Marra, that wasn't Porte' Smog 1 'Daft cunt, it was. Alex Dowsett was hanging on the back, good lad' Me 'Dowsett wasn't there' Smog 1 'What fucking race you watching like? He was on the back' Me 'That was Theuns' Smog 1 'You ever watched a race before like?' I just ignored him at this point. The bloke was in his early 60s and an utter nob. Anyways a few people started to walk off the climb and someone asked me, if that was it. Smog 1 'Aye, that's it' Me 'No, there's about another 50 riders left to come through' Smog 1 'Don't listen to him love, he's clueless' My Mate 'No love, there's about 50 riders, don't listen to Mr Angry here' Police moto's and NEG start coming though then a small group of about 10 rides come Smog 1 'See, not 50' Me 'It's the hilly-est stages on the Tour, it's going to be split up. I've been to watch Flanders over 15 times, I have watched Tour stages in the Alps, it's going to be split up' Smog 1 to Smog 2 'Mr Know it all eh' Then a Police motos and NEG come followed by a group of 40ish riders Me to Smog 1 'Oooo look who's on the front, its Porte & Dowsett, I wonder if they've done a loop and jumped in with this bunch to finish further down' Smog 2 'hahaha, he's fucking right you know' Smog 1 walks off.

Blunt language, German.

I’m off for a Chinese tonight since they’ll be the only ones staying open. They simply do not care; the bombs could be falling and they’d still whip you some bait up

If you need help if it kicks off, DM @ewerk He’s just had new spokes put on the cart and he can be there in about 4 days.

BREAKING - Transfer to spirit world AGREED subject to Premier League approval ✅

Witchell has to be buried alongside her, surely?

Apparently the whole nation will be deeply concerned about the news. Aye mate, fuck the gas bill, the rich 96 year old about to die.

Nicholas Witchell right now:

Long read: Shearer interview with Howe.

thebrokendoll and his gay mates- pay attention ffs.

I spoke to a lad I know from London who was tipped off by a Royal Correspondent. When I mentioned 3:23pm, he said that agreed with what he'd been told "almost to the minute". We'll have to get an Admin to change his name to Billy Witchell.

Balmoral?

I’m sick of hearing about it already

Arteta paying tribute in the only way he knows how, with a triple substitution.

Just asked my lass if she's gonna be dressing in black and making me watch this shit on telly tonight. "I'd like to watch some of it, it's something that'll never happen again in our lifetime." "Charles is 73." "Oh yeah." I'm still being made to watch the shit though.

Just rang Grandma Fist, no answer. Tried her home line, no answer. Got a text back “ I’m at the bingo” Life goes on.

He must have cleared out ALL the staff....

HANG ON LIZZIE!

Guardian has just published this clip of Blair vs Cameron on this issue which is, honestly, glorious.

Aye, I’m not sure Shearer would write all that forced grandiose bollocks off his own back just needed some posh boy forced swearing to complete the Caulkin bingo card

I've only just spotted that Potter has apparently verbally agreed to take the job. Brighton are looking at the Bodo/Glimt manager as a replacement supposedly, the fucking hipsters. If this development could fuck Chelsea AND Brighton's shit up, it would be great news for us.

As someone from boro, we don’t say Marra. I suspect he was a county derrem arsehole, probably went for a cerry afterwards

Waugh being overly contrary about the whole incident, saying that Willock was never going to get to the ball and that even without the push he would have gone into the keeper (and committed a foul). I'm wondering which angles he has and hasn't seen to arrive at that conclusion as he's demonstratably incorrect with just about everything he says about it to the point where you have to wonder whether he's just drumming up controversy. Willock has a sudden increase in speed and change in direction outside of his control when Mitchell shoves him. Even with this Guaita is clearly going to be second to make a play on the ball behind Willock and based off the angle he was coming across he has no chance of saving it if Willock gets to head it. There's no guarantee of course that Willock puts it on target, but the height, position, direction and speed at which the ball was moving would have made it a spectacular miss if he didnt. It was a fantastic header from Botman keeping it away from the keeper but squaring it across perfectly.

They could’ve cleaned up the piss before she got there.

As she's died on my birthday I'm apparently the next in line to the throne? I've already had to chase Nicholas Witchell from the driveway and the phone's never stopped.

The Gone-arch, more like

I only want him to do well for some time to make the chicken nonce look like a laughing stock. Again.

He'd go willingly I reckon. Fold his arms like a vampire and tell them to get to shovelling.

Johnson will be declared Regent

Hope they don’t cancel the football

“ We’re in the Executive Lounge of the fucking Hilton”.

Is this about CT?