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These are 'genuine' clips from council complaint letters:

 

 

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has

fungus growing in it.

 

He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take

it anymore.

 

It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

 

I want some repairs doneto my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my

knob off.

 

I wish to complain that my father hurt hisankle very badly when he put

his foot in the hole in his back passage.

 

And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my

fence.

 

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think

it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

 

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

 

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

 

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped

and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

 

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

 

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are

plain filthy.

 

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

 

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

 

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and

not fit to drink.

 

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

 

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at

6am his cock wakes me up and it´s now getting too much for me.

 

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is

unsightly and dangerous.

 

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so

please send someone round to do something about it.

 

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do

something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

 

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my

wife.

 

I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have

no satisfaction.

 

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get

BBC2.

 

Can you please send aman out because I have to use candles? :lol:

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