Howmanheyman 43974 Posted March 7, 2020 Share Posted March 7, 2020 4 hours ago, Sonatine said: There's an Innuendo competition that's just been announced, I might enter the lass next door. Consider that pinched. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonatine 13497 Posted March 7, 2020 Share Posted March 7, 2020 1 minute ago, Howmanheyman said: Consider that pinched. Help yourself, I thieved it too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonatine 13497 Posted March 7, 2020 Share Posted March 7, 2020 Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask. I asked "why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter." 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 43974 Posted March 7, 2020 Share Posted March 7, 2020 2 minutes ago, Sonatine said: Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask. I asked "why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter." I'm not pinching that one. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 50776 Posted March 7, 2020 Share Posted March 7, 2020 I just bought a universal remote control. I thought to myself “ Well, this changes everything”. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonatine 13497 Posted March 7, 2020 Share Posted March 7, 2020 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 50776 Posted March 7, 2020 Share Posted March 7, 2020 So, I went in to the chemist and asked the lass ” What kills coronavirus on kitchen surfaces and that” ”Ammonia cleaner” she said. I said “ Sorry love, I thought you worked here”. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 50776 Posted March 7, 2020 Share Posted March 7, 2020 Two Irish couples decide to liven up their sex lives and swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of non-stop, viagra-fuelled pounding, Mick takes a breather and says ” I wonder how the girls are getting on?” 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 50776 Posted March 7, 2020 Share Posted March 7, 2020 The Mrs. threatened to leave me because of my obsession with flamingoes. I really had to put my foot down. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wykikitoon 28572 Posted March 8, 2020 Share Posted March 8, 2020 I tell you what, I bet with this coronavirus, the bloke who invented the hand gel is rubbing his hands 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 50776 Posted March 18, 2020 Share Posted March 18, 2020 I got stopped in town by a scouser market researcher who asked, ” Do you like avocado?” I said, “ No mate, I can’t drive.” 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 43974 Posted March 19, 2020 Share Posted March 19, 2020 A small plane runs into difficulty and there's only Trump, Johnson, a couple of school kids and Jeremy Corbyn on it. They're told there's only three parachutes to be had. Straight away Trump says he's not only the president but the brightest man in his country and needs to survive and picks one up and jumps. Johnson watches him and also states he's the PM and a product of the British institution of Eton, therefore one of the greatest thinkers in the United Kingdom and must prevail, he then grabs the second and leaps to freedom and safety. Corbyn looks at the two kids, sighs and says he's had a decent life, is getting on a bit and insists the kids use the remaining parachute and he'll strap the kids together. The kids tell him that it's ok, there's still three parachutes as the brightest man in America and the greatest thinker in the the United Kingdom both grabbed their school bags. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobinRobin 14520 Posted March 20, 2020 Share Posted March 20, 2020 5 hours ago, Howmanheyman said: A small plane runs into difficulty and there's only Trump, Johnson, a couple of school kids and Jeremy Corbyn on it. They're told there's only three parachutes to be had. Straight away Trump says he's not only the president but the brightest man in his country and needs to survive and picks one up and jumps. Johnson watches him and also states he's the PM and a product of the British institution of Eton, therefore one of the greatest thinkers in the United Kingdom and must prevail, he then grabs the second and leaps to freedom and safety. Corbyn looks at the two kids, sighs and says he's had a decent life, is getting on a bit and insists the kids use the remaining parachute and he'll strap the kids together. The kids tell him that it's ok, there's still three parachutes as the brightest man in America and the greatest thinker in the the United Kingdom both grabbed their school bags. If only 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayatollah Hermione 17238 Posted March 20, 2020 Share Posted March 20, 2020 10 hours ago, Howmanheyman said: A small plane runs into difficulty and there's only Trump, Johnson, a couple of school kids and Jeremy Corbyn on it. They're told there's only three parachutes to be had. Straight away Trump says he's not only the president but the brightest man in his country and needs to survive and picks one up and jumps. Johnson watches him and also states he's the PM and a product of the British institution of Eton, therefore one of the greatest thinkers in the United Kingdom and must prevail, he then grabs the second and leaps to freedom and safety. Corbyn looks at the two kids, sighs and says he's had a decent life, is getting on a bit and insists the kids use the remaining parachute and he'll strap the kids together. The kids tell him that it's ok, there's still three parachutes as the brightest man in America and the greatest thinker in the the United Kingdom both grabbed their school bags. Hello, is that “Have I Got News For You”? You need to hear this one!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonatine 13497 Posted March 20, 2020 Share Posted March 20, 2020 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Gloom 26385 Posted March 20, 2020 Author Share Posted March 20, 2020 stealing that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 43974 Posted March 26, 2020 Share Posted March 26, 2020 Ordered a Chinese takeaway and went to the door to collect it as you do and the fucking Chinese lad started screaming 'Isolate! Isolate!' I said, 'Chill oot Jackie, I only rang up for it 20 mins ago.' 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayatollah Hermione 17238 Posted March 26, 2020 Share Posted March 26, 2020 Jesus Christ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 43974 Posted March 26, 2020 Share Posted March 26, 2020 (Rayvin incoming in five, four, three.....) 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 50776 Posted March 26, 2020 Share Posted March 26, 2020 He’s so late. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonatine 13497 Posted April 11, 2020 Share Posted April 11, 2020 Went out birdwatching with Sinead O’Connor this morning. Saw seven owls and fifteen jays. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayatollah Hermione 17238 Posted May 6, 2020 Share Posted May 6, 2020 What’s a scared Japanese bloke’s favourite ice cream? IT’S VANILLA (Godzilla)!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 50776 Posted May 6, 2020 Share Posted May 6, 2020 Eh? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tdansmith 3260 Posted May 6, 2020 Share Posted May 6, 2020 4 hours ago, Ayatollah Hermione said: What’s a scared Japanese bloke’s favourite ice cream? IT’S VANILLA (Godzilla)!!! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayatollah Hermione 17238 Posted May 6, 2020 Share Posted May 6, 2020 God, I’m wasted on you lot. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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