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if you heard a joke today, post it


Dr Gloom
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just ordered a chinese. The chinese delivery guy turned up at my door and said "£20 please". I smiled and said "can you tell me the name of Jordan's son?" He said "harfey price". I replied "cheers ting tong, here's a tenner now fuck off"

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a woman checking herself out in the bedroom mirror says to her husband:

 

"i'm fat, my tits are droopy and i'm covered in cellulite. pay me a compliment will you?"

 

the husband replies

 

"well your eyesight is fucking brilliant!"

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As I walked into my local shop the other day, some bloke attacked me with some milk, cheese, yogurt and cream.. I thought 'How Dairy?'

 

:lol:

 

Class.

 

Courtesy of a friend on FB who normally posts a joke each day, it did make me chuckle :lol:

 

Whats up anyway Dr, feeling especially gloomy today?

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As I walked into my local shop the other day, some bloke attacked me with some milk, cheese, yogurt and cream.. I thought 'How Dairy?'

 

:lol:

 

Class.

 

Courtesy of a friend on FB who normally posts a joke each day, it did make me chuckle :lol:

 

Whats up anyway Dr, feeling especially gloomy today?

 

nah; it's friday baby! nowt to be gloomy about (until the bolton result comes in or i'm forced to sit through x factor by the wife)

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Two fonts walk into a bar. The barman says to them, "Get out. We don't serve your type in here

 

What is a water otter?

A kettle

 

Postman: Is this letter for you? The name is smudged.

Man: No, it can't be for me, my name is Smith

 

After a car crash one of the drivers is lying injured at the side of the road. 'Don't worry,' said a policeman, a Red Cross nurse is coming to attend to you.'

Oh no,' groaned the victim, 'couldn't I have a blonde, cheerful one?

 

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car

 

There was once a small snail who always dreamed of becoming a race-car driver. One day he heard that an uncle of his had died and left him some money! Now his dream could be realized! He bought himself a car, souped it up, and then painted a large red "S" on it. When he was at his first race, a friend of his asked him why he had painted the big red "S" on the car? Simple, the snail replied when people see my car go zooming down the, track I want them all to exclaim: Oh look!! See the S car go!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Wife: What do you mean coming home half drunk at this time of night?

Husband: It's not my fault - I ran out of money

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  • 4 weeks later...
Walking along the pavement, I got sprayed by a snow plough. "Bastard" I said, through gritted teeth :lol:

Weeping Jesus Henry Christ on a bike, that is truly up there with the worst.

 

:lol: Im merely doing what the thread title says!

 

But I thought it was good....even though it was posted on my FB by a mackem ;)

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