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Ugly Mackems

Shamefully Racist Joke!

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An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

 

Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ya been all this

time? Why did ya not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ya call?

Can ya not understand what ya put yer old mum thru?

 

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a

prostitute...."

 

"Ya what!!? Out of here, ya shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a

disgrace to this family."

 

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur

coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings

certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ya daddy,

the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked

outside plus a membership to the country

club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ya all to spend New

Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ."

 

"Now what was it ya said ye had become?" says dad.

 

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."

 

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ya scared me half to death, girl! I thought ya said a

Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

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Paddy goes to greggs and buys himself a pastie for lunch.

 

On the bus on the way home he can hear a strange noise coming from the pastie so he calls his mate Murphy and explains the noise.

 

'It sounds a bit like a clock Murphy' says Paddy

 

'oh bejesus!!!' says murphy 'maybe its a terrorist device, is it tickin'?

 

'No' says Paddy, 'Its Cheese and onion!'

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I heard a shocking joke in Metro radio earlier this morning.

 

Darius Vassell has been dropped for Man City's next game at home to Sunderland...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Supposedly, Joey Barton and his brother axed him. :icon_lol:

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I heard a shocking joke in Metro radio earlier this morning.

 

Darius Vassell has been dropped for Man City's next game at home to Sunderland...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Supposedly, Joey Barton and his brother axed him.  :icon_lol:

102942[/snapback]

 

 

Was that seriously on Metro? I'd call that one sick tbh. OPINION!

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Paddy and Mick are out looking for work one day and spot a sign saying "Tree Fellers Wanted". "Ah, that's just our luck!" says Paddy "What a shame there's only the two of us."

 

 

An American arrives in Ireland on holiday. After picking up his hire car from the airport he decides to have a drive through the countryside of Meath. Everything's going along nicely, until the car suddenly splutters and cuts out. The American gets out and opens the bonnet to see if he can find anything. "Check the sparkplugs aren't loose" the American is startled by the voice, and looks around, but no one is there apart from a field with two horses, a white mare in the middle of the field and a black stallion beside the gate, next to the car. The American shrugs and decides to check the spark plugs anyway. Sure enough the problem is solved and he's on his way. A little while later he sees a pub with a board outside advertising food. Feeling a little peckish he decides to stop for a bite to eat and gets talking to the Landlord, who he tells about the incident. "Ah would that have been beside Murphy's farm?" the Publican asks. The American says he has no idea. "Well was there a white mare and a black stallion in the field?" asks the Landlord. "Yeah! and the stallion was beside the gate!" replies the American. "Ah you're a lucky man" the landlord says "the mare knows feck all about cars."

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Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman talking about their wives...

 

Englishman..."My wife's really stupid, she's just spent £100 on meat and we haven't even got a freezer".

 

Scotsman..."My wife can top that. She's just spent £17000 on a car and she can't even drive"

 

Irishman..."You don't know when you're born. My wife is thicker than that. She's off to Spain on holiday

with her mates and I watched her pack. She put at least 100 blobs in her case and she hasn't even got a dick.

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A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

 

Then the Scotsman says...

"Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgee, there's a better one. At MacDougal's ye buy a drink, ye buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy yir third drink !"

 

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

 

Then the Italian says...

"Yeah, dat's a nica bar, but where I come from, dere's a better one. In Roma, dere's this place, Vincenzo's. At Vincenzo's , you buy a drink, Vincenzo buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vincenzo buys you anudda drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar!

 

Then the Irishman says...

"You tink dat's great ? Where Oi come from in Oirland, dere's dis place called Morphy's. At Morphy's, dey boy you your forst drink, dey boy you your second drink, dey boy you your tird drink, and den, dey take you in de back and get you laid !" "Wow" say the other two "That's fantastic ! Did that actually happen to you ?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me Sister !"

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An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at

another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar,

and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until

suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a

pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts

the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one

after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for

the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:

"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he

lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's

a miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,

"Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.

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Japanese fart

 

A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she

was to please her husband and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes, and accidentally let out a big fart. She looked up and said: "Awe So sorry...excuse

please , front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud."

 

 

 

 

 

 

:)

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