@yourservice

Bought myself a black condom today. My wife died last night and her sister is visiting later, so I thought I had better show a bit of respect!

What do Roman Abramovic, the Metropolitan Police and a lady with a itchy crotch hav in common? They all regret going for that brazilian.

Earlier, Gareth Southgate was spotted leaving Tesco empty-handed and waving his Clubcard in the air. It seems that the poor cunt can't get points anywhere...

Q. What do you call Jade Goody in a wedding dress? A. A shuttlecock. To help the bushfire victims, a number of Australian singers have joined forces for a charity record - 'Fry Me Kangaroo Brown, Sport' goes out on sale this Monday

Bloodninja: Wanna cyber? DirtyKate: K, but don't tell anybody ;-) DirtyKate: Who are you? Bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot Bloodninja: And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo Storm. DirtyKate: You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car.. Bloodninja: Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order DirtyKate: Haha! OK DirtyKate: Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce. Bloodninja: Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want? DirtyKate: I want everything, baby! Bloodninja: Is this a delivery? DirtyKate: Umm...Yes DirtyKate: So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower... Bloodninja: Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house. **pause** DirtyKate:I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up! Bloodninja: You can't hurry good pizza. Bloodninja: I'm on my way now though **pause** DirtyKate: So you're at my front door now. Bloodninja: How did you know? Bloodninja: I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table. Bloodninja: Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven DirtyKate: ooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby Bloodninja: So you're still in the bathroom? DirtyKate: Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself. Bloodninja: I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door.... DirtyKate: What the fuck? DirtyKate: You perverted piece of s**t DirtyKate: F**k

Ahhh Bisto!

I am going to rob a bank tomorrow, i plan on dressing as a clown, I'll be wearing a thong and nipple tassles. I'll be carrying a goat with a dildo up my arse and a tin of Dulux. When im in the bank I'm gonna get the goat to suck me off and then I'll throw the paint over the walls whilst shouting the words big fat pissflaps. Once i get the cash im gonna take a shit on the floor before escaping in a van shaped like a big pink cock.............. Lets see crimewatch fucking stage a reconstruction of that!!!!!!!

A vicar books into a hotel & says to the hotel clerk I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled. She says No sir, its just regular porn, you sick bastard!