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Rancid Turds

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I went to an away game (ubersoopafantastic tbh) and got canny pissed. Not as pissed as my mate though, who got fucked on the train and shit himself. I had to get him home and somehow managed to clean him up (not pretty, will haunt me till the day I die) in the Central Station bogs and persuade a taxi driver to take us home from town. I spent the journey home pretending to fart in an attempt to convince him I had very bad wind which is why the cab smelt of shit. Thinking back, that bastid owes me one.

78155[/snapback]

 

:) You're way too fucking nice, I probably would have pissed on him and left him there!

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Ive raced motocross bikes in my time, I remember one time when I was practising and felt the urge to crimp off a length, I had just past the pit lane so had to do one lap tensed up.

 

I aproached a jump had to let loose of the grip I had on my shite, the head popped out as I left the jump and i caught it with a swift clench of the cheeks in mid air, Irelaxed again upon landing, had a tankslapper and whacked my arse off the seat, which had the lovely effect of smashing the turd back up my shitter.

 

Not pleasant, but it took a while before thta shite came back for seconds, I think i must have concussed it

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Ive raced motocross bikes in my time, I remember one time when I was practising and felt the urge to crimp off a length, I had just past the pit lane so had to do one lap tensed up.

 

I aproached a jump had to let loose of the grip I had on my shite, the head popped out as I left the jump and i caught it with a swift clench of the cheeks in mid air, Irelaxed again upon landing, had a tankslapper and whacked my arse off the seat, which had the lovely effect of smashing the turd back up my shitter.

 

Not pleasant, but it took a while before thta shite came back for seconds, I think i must have concussed it

78161[/snapback]

 

:):):)

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Ive raced motocross bikes in my time, I remember one time when I was practising and felt the urge to crimp off a length, I had just past the pit lane so had to do one lap tensed up.

 

I aproached a jump had to let loose of the grip I had on my shite, the head popped out as I left the jump and i caught it with a swift clench of the cheeks in mid air, Irelaxed again upon landing, had a tankslapper and whacked my arse off the seat, which had the lovely effect of smashing the turd back up my shitter.

 

Not pleasant, but it took a while before thta shite came back for seconds, I think i must have concussed it

78161[/snapback]

 

:)

Edited by sweetleftpeg

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I went to an away game (ubersoopafantastic tbh) and got canny pissed. Not as pissed as my mate though, who got fucked on the train and shit himself. I had to get him home and somehow managed to clean him up (not pretty, will haunt me till the day I die) in the Central Station bogs and persuade a taxi driver to take us home from town. I spent the journey home pretending to fart in an attempt to convince him I had very bad wind which is why the cab smelt of shit. Thinking back, that bastid owes me one.

78155[/snapback]

 

He must be one hell of a friend. Reminds me of a time I was at a party and a girl was so pissed she threw up on herself, and then shat herself. Her friend cleared her up and got her to bed, the next morning nothing was mentioned - no-one knows if she remembered or not.

 

You can imagine having crippling flashbacks to that incidence for the rest of your life. :)

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I'm well and truely shocked at these poo stories. I doubt i'll be able to look down at Brown Icke Jr. ever again. :)

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:):):) 'Brown Icke Jr' :razz::rolleyes::razz:

78171[/snapback]

 

I could possibly do anything other than personify him. I mean the shit of the son of God isn't just any old turd is it? It's different from the other brown babies.

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Heres another great one...

 

Pissed one night me and my mate went back to my house to continue drinking and meet some laydees.

 

Outside of my house he would only go and notice the car of the bloke that sacked him 3 months previously!

 

Anyway, needing a turd he decided it would be clever to remove a hubcap from the car and lay a footlong in it, great idea I thought, off you pop, I'll be in the flat.

 

So I woke the next morning to see the biggest trail of mashed shit going up the road I have ever seen in my life, nowt cuts like a hubcap spinning at speed.

 

His car must have stank!

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He must be one hell of a friend. Reminds me of a time I was at a party and a girl was so pissed she threw up on herself, and then shat herself. Her friend cleared her up and got her to bed, the next morning nothing was mentioned - no-one knows if she remembered or not.

 

You can imagine having crippling flashbacks to that incidence for the rest of your life.  :)

78174[/snapback]

 

I was really annoyed with the bastard, he'd pissed himself as well yet he wanted dropping off at his local on the way home to continue drinking. I had to try and persuade him nicely in the back of the taxi that it wasn't a good idea in his present state without being able to remind him that he'd shat his pants. To be fair, it was out of character and he felt like a twat the next day and thanked me for stopping him going to his local. Imagine walking into your local with the front of your pants drenched in piss and a big shit stain on the back? :)

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I remember when I was in cubs and we went on a hike, the 3 of us had to show our orienteering skills and make it back to camp before night fall. About an hour into it my mate needed to unload, so he pulled his shorts down and squatted in a farmers field safely away from the cows. He didn't squat low enough however and his turd landed in his briefs! So he scooped it out and threw it in the field, a few minutes later after he cleaned himself up and discarded his soiled briefs we turned back to find a cow devouring his brown log!

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Heres another great one...

 

Pissed one night me and my mate went back to my house to continue drinking and meet some laydees.

 

Outside of my house he would only go and notice the car of the bloke that sacked him 3 months previously!

 

Anyway, needing a turd he decided it would be clever to remove a hubcap from the car and lay a footlong in it, great idea I thought, off you pop, I'll be in the flat.

 

So I woke the next morning to see the biggest trail of mashed shit going up the road I have ever seen in my life, nowt cuts like a hubcap spinning at speed.

 

His car must have stank!

78180[/snapback]

 

Jesus wept! :)

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Guest alex
I remember when I was in cubs and we went on a hike, the 3 of us had to show our orienteering skills and make it back to camp before night fall. About an hour into it my mate needed to unload, so he pulled his shorts down and squatted in a farmers field safely away from the cows. He didn't squat low enough however and his turd landed in his briefs! So he scooped it out and threw it in the field, a few minutes later after he cleaned himself up and discarded his soiled briefs we turned back to find a cow devouring his brown log!

78182[/snapback]

'My mate' eh? :)

 

:)

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Guest alex
I've had a wet fart once if that counts. I nearly died for your sins when I felt it trickle down my leg.

78189[/snapback]

About these shape-shifting lizards...

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I've had a wet fart once if that counts. I nearly died for your sins when I felt it trickle down my leg.

78189[/snapback]

About these shape-shifting lizards...

78193[/snapback]

Don't talk to me about the reptilian humaniods, bunch of cunts! If Dad found out I was on here he'd go mental. He doesn't like me talking to you lot after I got the piss taken out of me on Wogan...I hope Dad drowns him in the tidal waves.

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On a school sports day back in Middle school I was favourite for the 100 metres, the gun went and I blasted out of the blokes like a drugged up Ben Johnson, took 1st place easily but instead of being greeted by a chorus of applause from family and fiends they were all doubled ove laughing, I stopped and looked round, a poor lad in my class had shit himself at the sound of the gun, credit to him though he finished the race but continued sprinting past the finish line all the way to the lads bogs!

 

Looking back it was fair enough really, we'd only ever practised with a ready, set, go start, and then on the big day the PE teacher brings in his starting gun without telling anyone!

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On a school sports day back in Middle school I was favourite for the 100 metres, the gun went and I blasted out of the blokes like a drugged up Ben Johnson, took 1st place easily but instead of being greeted by a chorus of applause from family and fiends they were all doubled ove laughing, I stopped and looked round, a poor lad in my class had shit himself at the sound of the gun, credit to him though he finished the race but continued sprinting past the finish line all the way to the lads bogs!

 

Looking back it was fair enough really, we'd only ever practised with a ready, set, go start, and then on the big day the PE teacher brings in his starting gun without telling anyone!

78205[/snapback]

 

 

:):):)

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:):):)

 

one of my mates decided to take his cheating, much hated girlfriend back. Early one Saturday morning two of the lads were walking back from town and spied her car outside his house. They both decided it would be great fun to lay a turd on her bonnet, spell out some obscenitites with it and also wedge some shit under her door handles. 30 secs after seeing her out the door as she went off to work my mate said she came rushing back in, crying hysterically as she ran to the bog to throw up.

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I was once sat down waiting for a turd to commence when I realised that the bathroom door was unlocked, I heard my sister coming up the stairs so lurched up to lock the door.

 

This must have provided the adequate pressure and gave the right amount of purchase because a pebble shit was fired from my arse with a pop sound, I turned round and it had spliced itself onto the shitter lid with such force it had amost splintered in two and ricoched off the lid.

 

Near scrape with death tbh

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When I was a care free destructive teen, me and my mates once followed our cunt of a history teacher home, having sussed out where he lived we decided that night to deliver him a little gift to show how much we thought of him, so we waited until one of us needed a shite, after half an hour I felt the cramp in my stomach and headed to the traps, frezzer bag in hand. I managed to get it all in the bag, tied a knot in it then flattened it out and put it in a envelope, we walked up to the teachers house and posted the "mail" through his letter box, only for a dog to come up and rip it out of my hand as i feed it through the letterbox. All's i could hear was the sound of the dog ripping the thing to pieces and a voice say "Good boy, bring me my paper"! :)

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Guest alex

S-O and SLP - Class! :)

Incidentally, I remember a decidedly average ginger sprinter from Wallsend Harriers who changed his name to Ben Johnson by Deed Poll about two weeks before he was banned for taking steroids. Up there with the bloke who got the Andy Cole tatoo tbh.

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