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Rancid Turds

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Ive raced motocross bikes in my time, I remember one time when I was practising and felt the urge to crimp off a length, I had just past the pit lane so had to do one lap tensed up.


I aproached a jump had to let loose of the grip I had on my shite, the head popped out as I left the jump and i caught it with a swift clench of the cheeks in mid air, Irelaxed again upon landing, had a tankslapper and whacked my arse off the seat, which had the lovely effect of smashing the turd back up my shitter.


Not pleasant, but it took a while before thta shite came back for seconds, I think i must have concussed it




:) Fucking crying here

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Can I nominate this thread for Brown?


Talking of which, has the Gold thread idea died a death or have we just had loads of rubbish threads since the last one got in?




The ones in there are rubbish too. Craig is just very easily pleased :)


Love this thread though :)

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On a school sports day back in Middle school I was favourite for the 100 metres, the gun went and I blasted out of the blokes like a drugged up Ben Johnson, took 1st place easily but instead of being greeted by a chorus of applause from family and fiends they were all doubled ove laughing, I stopped and looked round, a poor lad in my class had shit himself at the sound of the gun, [b}credit to him though he finished the race but continued sprinting past the finish line all the way to the lads bogs![/b]


Looking back it was fair enough really, we'd only ever practised with a ready, set, go start, and then on the big day the PE teacher brings in his starting gun without telling anyone!







No one remembers second place.

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When we used to go to school, a group of us used to cut across the local golf course. Anyway one time we were going across the 12th hole and some toffee-nosed wanker came bombing down the fairway in his golf buggy and told us in no uncertain terms exactly what he thought about us cutting across the course that his good money was paying for and that if we didn't 'bugger awf' he'd start driving golf balls in our direction.


I was on my way off the course like a good lad until my mate said 'fuck it' and started heading off in the direction of the later holes.


Behind the green on the 15th was a wooded area which you could easily blend into without being seen but still give you a good vantage point of the hole. My mate told us to wait in there and he then went across to the green, droped his kegs and coiled a slimey turd into the hole before returning to our vantage point.


Cue 15 minutes later when said fat 'toffee-nosed' bastard was putting with his mates on the 15th, it was just fucking poetic that he sank his ball first and, without looking, stuck his hand in the hole to retreive his ball! :)


Fuck, did we run....... :)

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When I lived with my mam and dad some twat in a psorts car kept nicking my parking spot. I staggered home one night from the lercal and decided to piss on it, as you do. I was bursting anyway, so when I started to pee it came out at a canny pace and set the bastards alarm off! I had to sprint quickly ino the house, Kojak still in hand and piss ganning everywhere. My mam thought the front door had been leaking overnight.





I nearly pissed meself reading this. The whole thread is brilliant - nailed on for the Gold forum.

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I note that old 'Two Roll Lennon' is rather judisciously choosing to keep a silent counsel on this one.  :)



Cheeky bastid! :):)


Re: the lads taking the newspaper into the bog. Do you actually just poo for the first 30 seconds you're in there and then continue to read the paper before you wipe? Or do you strategically make the experience last for as long as it takes you to read the paper? Just curious :)

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When i was about 14 i was sitting in the back garden lining my new sights on my air rifle up when the friendly elderly neighbour pops his head over the fence and asks what i was doing, so i tells him what was going on and he asked if he could have a go of the rifle, to which i obliged.


So i went to take the last shot with it to make sure the sights were lined up before passing it to him, thing is i had an acid (purple arabic) the night before and the next day the fuckas always played havoc with my guts big time and as I shot the rifle, the slight recoil off it shocked me and made me fill my trunks, much to his disgust as he realised what had happened and i bolted off down the garden with a small brown patch surfacing in my 501's.


Happy Days :)

Edited by Wacky Jnr
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One time when I ws at my old school (I must've been 8 or 9), I woke up with cramp in me gut and all the way to school I was letting rip with some of the foulest-smelling farts!

Anyway, I was in a lesson and we were watching a video, where I thought I really had to fart again otherwise I'd explode, but didn't want anyone to notice the smell, so I take up my seat in a corner and let rip a silent one.

Unfortunately I followed through and left the whole room smelling like the stuff that comes out of the gas taps in the science lab :)

Legged it to the bogs and promptly exploded the contents of me sphincter.


Oh and there was that classic when I was a about 10, I had that feeling I was going to vomit so sauntered up to the teacher's desk and said "Miss, I think I'm gonna throw up". Then, true to my word, did so all over her desk. :)

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I was once playing golf and was hungover as fuck, by the third hole my gut started to feel a bit fucked, like when you know you need a shite but can manage to back the fucker up for as long as needs be. Anyway as time went on my guts started feeling worse, by the 6th i was starting to feel bloated as fuck, and taking golf swings wasnt helping, my walking slowed down as I lumbered behind letting out the odd silent fart in an effort to release the build up.


Didnt work, it got to the point that I could hardly breathe, I started burping and the poo beeps were like one long endless fart, looking back, I was fucked.


I must have backed it up that much me shit had rebelled and was after coming out of my mouth, fuck me it was bad.


Anyway, near the thirteenth hole I saw a hedge with a ditch behind it, I told the two lads I was playing with to keep a lookout cause I was going to shit me mouth if I didnt deal with it, hopped over the hedge and into the ditch pulled my pants down so fast that my arse nearly came off with them.


As soon as I went to crouch my arsehole exploded letting rip with the most gutwrenching high speed sloppy shite I have ever performed, it was that bad my legs wobbled and nearly went. It stopped, I was shaken.


Then the fucker came back for seconds, same again, it could hardly be called shit, shitwater yes, shit, no. It was horrible, like a river of shit running through the grass, my mates were pissing themselves so I got up, pulled th etrousers back on and went to rejoin th egame, I got to the hedge when the urge came again, ran down, dropped the pants and whoosh, like a fucking train came the longest and strongest shite i have the unfortunate memory of performing, judging by the speed and time it took Id say about two foot long.


That was a nasty fucker, it meant business, and it stung. I rejoined the course but was forced to play behind them as I had shit on th ebottom of my trousers and it must have stunk, I was too shook up to notice, felt fucking marvellous afterwards though, well, until the piles kicked in. going to the chemist for prep h isnt a nice experience, "do you want the suppositories or the cream love" those words will haunt me forever. "erm, its for me nana, I dunno"


Never been back to the course.

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There's some brave fuckers in this thread who reckon they have taken a shite at school....


Only once did I dare do that, turned to get the paper and was faced with that vile medicated greaseproof paper bog roll which would scratch glass.


After that I avoided having a shit at school whenever possible and if I did have to go, I made damned sure I polluted the staff bogs which, surprise surprise, contained nice soft bog roll.


Did get caught on one occasion by one of the teachers who promptly handed out a detention with 'defacating in the staff toilets' declared as the reason.


My parents fucking pissed themselves when they read that and refused to agree to it! :)

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:)  :)  :)


I remember in my secondary someone shat on the lid, there was a queue outside the shitters of people waiting to see a shit on a lid.





that's just taken me back to an incident at my infants school. Some dirty bastard had thought it funny when he was having a dump to grab a load of it and smear it on the wall.


When the headmaster got word, he got all the lads in the school, lined them up and got them to drop their kegs so he could inspect to find out who had a shitty arse....


Every single one of us was clean so from that he deduced it must have been one of the lasses, but thankfully he stopped his inspection routine...



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Was on work experience at Newburn Leisure Centre, one of the jobs was to check the changing rooms and toilets, I was on my rounds on my first day and spotted a rogue turd on the floor next to the bog. My first thought was why the fuck has someone put it there when the bog was within farting distance? So I headed back to my boss to report the turd on the loose. He told me there was a bucket in the cleaners room i could clean it up with. I said ther was no way on god's green earth I was going anywhere near it, and that i was here to see how a leisure centre was run not clean up turds. It went down like a shit sarnie as expected and when my teacher came to check my progress later that day I was relocated.

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I was at the local last night having a drink or seven when I spotted this little beauty in the urinal...




After seconds of umming and ahhing over whether I should risk a sneaky photo I thought of this thread and decided it must be done. Far too good of an oppurtunity to pass up :yes

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In Secondary school there was a phantom scribbler going around graffiting the changing room walls, only this dirty bastard had his own style of crayolas, human faeces, and his favourite tag was, you guessed, he would write 'shit' with shit.


Never did find out who it was but i have my suspicions it was the maths teacher as his nails were always fucking manky B)


One thing i always remember from school was the graffiti in the bogs and this poem in particular:


A rich girl uses vaseline

A poor girl uses Lard

But Lisa uses axle cream because her cunt's so hard


She was the year bike by the way :yes

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A few years back me and the lads, about 16 of us rented a house in the lakes for a week, one of the bogs was clogged up and overflowed due to someone's terrible turds, although no one knew who the fuck it was the person responsible was referred to as the Phantom Shitter. This toilet was out of use for the majority of the week and then someone realised we might lose our deposit if we didn't fix it. So 16 of us stood round the shitter to try and fix it. After an hour of debate one lad stepped forward, rolled his sleeve up and tickled the offending turd out the u bend with his bare hands! Now obviously we came to the conclusion that if he was willing to do this it must have been his turd to begin with, he proclaimed not but for the few years following he was nicknamed "shitboy".

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Taking photos of other people's shit? :yes



Who said it was someone elses? :P



And you think that makes it any better? B)

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