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Imagine reading that back to yourself and not deleting it

Interesting shift tonight- knocked on a punter in Gosforth and she answered the door with “ Can you help, call an ambulance, he’s collapsed!” I go in to find a seriously porky sparky in her kitchen, greyer than Manc Mag, sweating like Renton when the builders turn up, semi-conscious and with his 17yr old son stood rooted the spot. I got the lad on the phone for an amberlamps, checked fatty out and discerned- ‘he’s not having a heart attack right now’ which was good, checked he wasn’t/hadn’t had a stroke, then spoke to the 999 lass. Paramedic dispatched, she told me to go to Linden Road church ( which was just around the corner), and get the defibrillator “just in case” until the paramedic arrived. Medic was there when I got back, checked out Tubs and worked out that he’d probably popped a ligament in his knee as he bent over, jumped up too fast and that, combined with the admittedly excruciating pain of his knee exploding, had caused him to black out. Ffs, the useless fat fucker. Still, the wife who’s house it was was bang tidy, and very grateful. ( no, not that grateful)

It’s pre-pre-Scouts. Beavers—Cubs—Scouts—Prison So aye, what Quiff said.

They're not, but I did spend a lot of weekends helping out at Lib Dem jumble sales

Are your parents called Malcolm and Cressida?

Think it's a posh kids group where they play touch rugby

That thought has crossed my mind a few times like.

I've had about 30 jobs and somehow had mostly decent colleagues. That's probably a lot to do with the fact most of my bosses were absolutely batshit mental. Bosses aside I can only think of a chef I worked beside. One of those weird cunts who constantly boasts about weird shit like how many cruises he's been on and how miles to the gallon he gets in his car. Last time I bumped into him his dog basically jammed it's nose up the arse of some random passer by while we were standing chatting. Poor woman literally shrieked and jumped into the air then looked at the dog and said something like "aw. could you smell my Daisy-May?" and casually walked off. Still to this day don't know whether Daisy-May is her own dogs name or a weird pet name for her vagina.

Not Cressida-“ Now come on little Meenz, we have to sell enough unwanted Laura Ashley tat to the plebs so that we can send money to the starving folks in Africa- won’t that be fun?” Little Meenz-“ Ffs, all I want to do is check out the sexy bitches at Beavers…” I feel your pain

I was pretty much the only kid on our street who went to state school, so my folks did their best, but aye.

I wonder who's picked up the torch at Renton's old place

That's right in my neck of the woods, that is. So to speak. I even went to Beavers in that church hall. (Steady, MF, steady.)

Poke her with a cigar holder?

Cheers troops

I went to the Toby Carvery (i know) last night at Shiremoor with Mrs T & 2 of the kids. It was ok & got us out for a bit. One way system in the main door, out the fire exit. We booked for 6 o clock it was fairly quiet. It started to get busier as we were leaving.

You should make your Instagram private.

I can't see Johnson pausing for more than a second before throwing the farmers under the bus.

Ah sparky as in a "sparky"! Opposed to sparky, as in some dumb cunt. I love the english language sometimes, it's no wonder it flummoxes some of our english as a second language members and essembee on occassions.

Like Sunderland till I die but less Mickey Mouse.

I'd pick somewhere better than Aycliffe if that was the case:D

In several million years from now, when humans have long since left the home planet and struck out to other solar systems in search of new planets to fuck up, the answer to the question , “ What’s the dullest band there’s ever been?” will still be Coldplay. Edit; As language evolves, sometimes at an incredible pace within single lifetimes, the general term for “absolute shite” will still be Bawitdaba

Im assuming the dullest is Coldplay?

I totally understand.

I've told you I'm from Aycliffe loads of times

It's Mexican!

I've just had a pizza. Was nice. Mexicana

Nah, she’ll only get eleventy-ten thousand million votes. Man-of-the-people- billionaire-richest-MP-in-the-House Sexy Rishi Sunak is our next Cunt In Chief. (Sorry for all the hyphens, I’m having a stroke)

So, you’re not just posh, you’re Gosforth Posh. ( I think Sammy has slightly misunderstood the players in the above drama, btw Fat wobbler was a visiting tradesman to the house, bang tidy wife was the house owner. )

Force majeure!!??? WTAF? Who could foreseen this happening? 😃

Aye, because as soon as "the left" (i.e. everyone who isn't currently voting Tory) start criticising him, they'll all form ranks around him to defend his honour. Maybe the best thing we can do is to be quiet about it and let them work it out themselves.

Hmmm. It's going to take something spectacular to get this fat turd from power, people really are brain washed by him. I think it will happen, but this isn't it. I mean, the time he boasted about shaking hands with covid patients was his Trump bleach moment, nobody gave a shit.

“Yiz playin pool n yiz snookad, can yiz play the jump shot? ( hitting cue baal awwa anuntha baal te hit ya cullad baal)? Yes ah nah?” Today’s lesson- Meth and Blue Pop don’t mix.

It would fuck them in rural Scotland

Seen this as well. Possible opportunity for CT? I thought there was no downsides to Brexit, only upsides. Why do we have to employ someone to try and find these elusive upsides?

Pizza shop near me on a PR charm offensive

Almost makes me wish Chelsea had won.

Two of Blackpool's wins in that run of form are against the mackems

He likes it when they beg for it ruff.

Well, there it is. Do you have to slip them a woofie?

iirc it’s a myth they were missing for most of the season anyway. A myth put about by Bruce and unchallenged by anybody in the media I should add

I do also find it ridiculous that they are also always using the absence of Wilson and Saint-Maximin as a card blanche. It’s actually saying a lot about your capabilities as a manager if everything is depending on having all your best players available. It doesn’t need saying that those players make a huge difference to the quality of a team. But a manager should still be able to cope with it and make the best out of the rest of the squad. That’s where he failed miserably because he couldn’t come up with any solution. Never mind I the awful performances when he has had the full squad available.

Every time a lazy pundit starts going on about our unrealistic expectations etc, a large bloke should walk on and punch them in the face. That’d put a stop to it

Cunts will always stand up and support other cunts! It’s the law of nature for the survival of cunts!

Exactly. Bruce comes out with his “I’ve been doing this a long time” schtick and they lap it up like that counts for something. Yes Steve, you’ve been doing it a long time and you’ve achieved fuck all, your teams play clueless football, and you’re widely hated by the fans at your former clubs. Somebody should tell pundits like Jenas that keeping a team in the PL is not an achievement, it’s the absolute bare minimum. It’s like a bus driver saying “Aren’t I good, I’ve been doing this a long time, I haven’t crashed the bus and killed all the passengers once”.

I always find when they play shocked that Rafa “got more respect/leeway from supporters” one of the weirdest angles the likes of Edwards work in their Bruce v Rafa obsession. Benitez earned that level of respect, Bruce has accomplished comparatively nothing as a football manager.

'If patta was watta he's the fucking Sahara desert.'

All the pictures need are a can of rich energy badly photoshopped in