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  1. 17 points
    Thanks for the memories. Saturday was my first experience in St. James Park. I came from Madrid to your city just for the match. It was the momment I have been waiting for more than 10 years. I spoke with a lot of people in the city, in the stadium and everyone helped me, asked me why was a crazy Atletico de Madrid born fan than loves Newcastle. Love you guys. I can't explain why, but I started to cry when the match started. Appreciate what you have and you can enjoy every 15 days. You are very very very special. See you in the future, I know.
  2. 15 points
    Can we just get something clear. Toontastic.net isn't like these other forums where you can just waltz in and suddenly make friends with people. We're snobby, rather perpetual and overall cliquey. Most of us have known each other for years, I went to my first piss up when I was 16 and that was 16 years ago. Don't get excited - those numbers add up to 32. We've filled our quota on contrary twats and that quota is one and we let him stay out of sympathy or something. Basically we don't want your 'different opinion' or your 'take on things'. I want opinions I already know well in advance and agree with. We don't want to be your friend, fuck off. Signed, The Staff
  3. 13 points
    Don't call it a comeback We've been shit for years Worst team on the River Wear Puttin' clean seats at the SoS in fear Makin' the tears rain down like a monsoon Listen to the half empty stadium go boo Adam Johnson, overpowerin' In front of the Paedo Hunters he's cowerin Wrecking the chicken shop when I write these lyrics That'll make you call the Canny Cops Competition's payin' the price I'm gonna knock you out Reiver said knock you out I'm gonna knock you out Danger Nonce said knock you out I'm gonna knock you out That cunt who shat on his seat said knock you out I'm gonna knock you out Word to your Mother. She's also your sister
  4. 13 points
    The secret diary of Lee Ryder aged 44 and a half 16/02/2019 Oh this year we're off to sunny Spain! Y Viva Espana! EEEh ya fucka, diary. The things ah get to do in this crazy world of following NUFC just so me loyal punters get their daily fix of Ryder hot takes of life on the United beat as Olly used to say. Ah managed to get to Murcia via an easyjet flight to Alicante then bussed the rest of the way to the United camp, 'living the fucking dream' diary! Lol. When ah fund oot aboot the trip ah thought ah'd ring rund the lads and kill two bords with one stone which is something all us seasoned hacks know is the way to get the scoops. Anyways, ah bells cockeyed Mala and he let on that Pigeon chest Campbell was thinking of having a second stag do after his first got ruined by getting drugged and bummed by a couple of rent boys in Budapest after a prank got a bit oot a hand. Like Hannibal off the A-Team, ah fucking loved it when a plan got together and thought we'd ah'll gan on the piss after the friendly v CSKA Moscow where ah'd metamorf, meteormophis, err change into Balou with the NUFC stuff and only do the bare necessities with a Rafa quote, a player quote and a 'five things' bit before giving the Spanish senorita hinnies six nowt later on! Ah'd also gave one time Spanish Toon defender, 'Sore-finger-on-my-chip' Marcelino a bell asking him to turn up so ah could tek a photo of him as ah knew he lived close by. "Senor Ryder! I am having a family BBQ that day! I cannot make it, my old friend" he said on the phone. Ah then reminded him of a certain Thomson House cleaner called Jeanette and how Senora Marcelino might want to hear a few tales when he reluctantly decided to show up! (You have to be ruthless in this game, diary, kid gloves off). Anyways, after a shite kickabout ah got a couple of quotes, took 'fingers' pic then met the lads in Murcia toon centre. Ah'd already had a few chilled sangrias pitchside in the heat and mustn't have realised the potency as we headed oot. Ah was fucking rampant winking at the Iberian fanny and any holiday makers of the female variety. Ah was fucking mortal by the time we got to a nightclub and that's where these fucking Russian booncers set their lip up. "No! This one does not come in!" said fucking Ivan number one. "What ya talking aboot ya daft cunt! ah've anny had a few!" ah said trying to stand up straight. It was then ah noticed a CSKA tattoo on his knuckle! So, he was in the huff at not beating the mighty Mags in a friendly, eh? Thought he could mess with the former foot soldier of the Toon army? Ah was aboot to swing a punch when ah realised he was probably one of the MMA Russian hardcore hooligans. Ah thought to mesel that ah couldn't spoil Pigeon chest Campbell's second stag do after the first one went Pete Tong so ah let Ivan off the hook and we staggered to a brothel where even Cock eyed Mala got his end away and Pigeon chests arsehole remained unmolested! Lol. Anyways, flights to catch, NUFC stuff to write, Punters to keep happy! Ryder and fucking out.
  5. 12 points
    i'm going to explain to you where you're going wrong here, although god only knows why i should need to.... you (and no doubt many others in the putrid facebook/twitter world of the terminally stupid) appear to be using bruce's relatively reasonable and surprising points haul thus far as a stick to beat newcastle supporters who viewed benitez as a last bastion of hope in a whole world of depressingly unambitious and vindictive mike ashley induced shite. and you're gloating about it. bruce might well fluke a top ten finish, he's done it before (just) with the mackems. this however wouldn't make him a good manager as i'm sure our mates down the road would tell you. indeed you need look no further than our very own alan pardew's 5th place finish to see how it's feasible for the footballing planets to miraculously align and produce an anomaly. bruce isn't an ashley masterstroke to guide us to football utopia. bruce hasn't been, isn't, nor will he ever be, fit to lace benitez's laces both as a competent manager or indeed a man. benitez represented hope and progression even under the strangling grip of a cunt like ashley. bruce represents 17th place finishes and fawning platitudes to an utter peice of human scum. they're well suited to each other mikey and stevie, they're both morally bankrupt. now... if you've really needed the glaringly obvious pointed out to you, you're either 1) thick as fucking pig shit. 2) on a really ill judged wind up. i'll give you the benefit of doubt and plump for the latter.
  6. 12 points
    He's just another Pardew for me. Didn't like the fucker before he came here, didn't like him when he was here, and I'll continue disliking him after he's left. Just another snidey snake in the grass, the cabbage faced cunt.
  7. 12 points
    OMG, this is a topic to ridicule the Sunderland? HAHAHAH Love you. We saw you cry at Neflix! PS: I didn't know the menaning of 'macken'... Sorry for the inconvenience
  8. 12 points
    I don’t think this is a knee jerk to a poor result at home to a weak side but I feel like Ashley has finally pushed firmly down on the pillow and suffocated this club this season after a decade of holding it just above the club’s nose. The club has been utterly destroyed, we were a great football club, not necessarily on the pitch or in terms of trophies but we were a proper football club and there was a great connection between club and fan base even in the times we struggled which imo is rare in the modern game. Football is the highlight of many people’s weeks, I’m not ashamed to admit it can often be the highlight of mine. He’s ripped that from us, I can no longer say it can ever be that to me we’re tragic, utterly tragic. For 10 years we’ve depended on some rough diamond we picked up for cheap turning into a player, then when they do we’ve essentially depended on them to carry the whole team as opposed to building anything around them. I don’t even enjoy watching us anymore, watching players as devoid of any talent such as Joselu plod around the pitch just isn’t football. There’s no passion surrounding the club, no buzz, no excitement, and there hasn’t been since the first year he bought us, before he decided to drive the club into its first calamities by attempting to disgrace club legends. I used to love watching football, but honestly my whole passion for it has subsided. I don’t even bother watching Champions League games or keeping track of most scores. I quite regularly have no idea of the placing of other PL sides, as what’s the point? We’re going to be struggling to keep our heads above water like the little, irrelevant, tin pot club we have become. My whole feeling was summed up this week, I was listening to a podcast and when they were discussing Man Utds comeback win against us one of the pundits said “yeah but I mean it was only Newcastle” it wasn’t an attempted dig, it was just the truth and I took no offense or exception to it, the bloke was spot on. That’s exactly what we are, a club that every team in the league will see as a winnable game. If you told me all this 10 years ago I’d feel sick to my stomach but now I just don’t care, he’s sucked any soul or passion out of Newcastle United Football Club. As Alex said in another thread, what is this all for? What on Earth is the purpose? If it was money he could quite easily make far more elsewhere, if it was advertising he could have spent all he’s invested on far higher profile advertising. I think overall it’s been negative to his company, clearly his image, and obviously the football club. It’ll be a shame to see Rafa Benitez go, his reign has once and for all proven Ashley will never care about the club, if ever he was going to invest it would be when he had a world class manager at the helm. Instead yet another legend of football has been embarrassed, degraded, and pushed out in an insulting and disgraceful way. That’s Newcastle United. To long didnt read: Fuck this fat cunt.
  9. 11 points
    Aye, why would we want to build a statue of a lifelong Newcastle fan who represented the region impeccably as manager of sides like Barcelona, and Porto. Came back home to manage one of the most exciting sides in NUFC history, leading them into being regular participants in the Champions League, before founding a fantastic charity that has impacted the lives of my family and many more throughout the region. Yes there was booing and frustration towards the end of his management of us, I remember many being mostly pissed off at the likes of Dyer and Bellamy being disrespectful towards him. Either way it is regrettable and was linked to the inflated standards the fan base had at the time thanks massively to how highly we had been established during his tenure (and of course Keegan before him). It’s obviously nothing like what the mackems portray it was though, and it must be really nice to have a fan base where you can’t look back with hindsight and point out anything regrettable from a section of the fan base eh. He did attend some mackem games as a kid, from what I’ve heard he did so even later in his life as well. He did this as he loved football and he loved the North East, not because he was a fan of Sunderland but they’re using this to try and twist it into their weird little agenda. They’re welcome to do so, I personally find it pathetic and a little sad that they’re trying to point score in an area they could just appreciate a true legend of our region but I am not shocked at all, it’s exactly what I expect from them. The fact the absolute wretch who posted that put “seemed like a good bloke” sums them up tbh. Sir Bobby Robson “seemed like a good bloke” grow up for fuck sake, the man was phenomenal, had time for everyone by all accounts, and was respected by anyone that knew of him. I can speak to how brilliant his charity is for our region, and I’m so glad that he got his wish to leave that as his legacy. Legend.
  10. 11 points
    The whole thing is brilliant. I don’t think anyone would have guessed all of our predictions would have been this dead on, despite it all being fairly inevitable. That thread is class, it’s basically just what we were saying from the start. Some tit who owned a semi pro club got the chance at owning them for essentially fuck all, inevitably the fact he doesn’t have money to put in and has no experience or know how mean that when they didn’t immediately go up so he could sell it’s blown up and they’re stuck together. The one absolute plum that gives it the “if he has any affinity for us at all he will sell” firstly the bloke has never given a flying fuck, he saw it as a chance at making a fair bit with little personal risk, secondly who the fuck would he sell it to? It’s a rotten club with a boring as fuck 90’s flat pack stadium located in an area devoid of anything interesting, with a horrible fan base who are doing their ample best to make every bit of the club poisonous, and finally this is just another example of fucking delusion, he saw Short do something he absolutely didn’t need to do and that they didn’t deserve by bailing them out and is now expecting this guy to essentially take a personal hit to help them (Forgoing any hope of making money I would presume as he’d not get much for them since they’re in League One and seemingly have a pretty nasty negative cash flow)? Fucking utter shambles of a club. I hope this bellend and his cockend mate Methven (“ahhhm dead excited we gorra pr lads fan in marras” thick cunts) are stuck with the club for at least as long as Ashley has owned NUFC. I also enjoyed the “he’s done so much right off the pitch” comments, that essentially boils down to the fact him and dickhead #2 used to regularly insult NUFC as he hasn’t done things right off the pitch. He has tried to stop the negative cash flow, seemingly he has failed as he needed an external loan. His master stroke was fooling those 6 fingered perverts to change their own seats rather than paying a company to do it and have them think it was brilliant, other than that he’s been a heap of shite.
  11. 11 points
    "....and then ah says, 'two Wongs don't make a White' and everyone was in stitches! Lol. After that ah ordered me usual chicken curry fried rice with chips. Wongy's sound though, loves the craic when we all pile in after a sesh for some scran. If you look at his beaming smile you might miss the tears welling up with happiness but when you're the Trinity mirror regional sports writer of the year you miss fuck all. Up here for thinking, doon there for dancing! Laters."
  12. 11 points
  13. 10 points
    You can celebrate winners all you want mush, I’m sure a lot of the people on here who dislike Bruce did too. The problem with swallowing what is being served up is it’s indicative of the regime, we survive on a whim or a shoestring. You can’t honestly believe we deserve to be where we are in the league based on the showings this seasons? Unless there is either a change of heart from Ashley and he properly supports the team, or he leaves this is as good as it gets. This is the culmination of Newcastle United, aim for safety and everything else is a bonus. It’s not what I thought of when I first started supporting a football team, it’s not what Sir Bobby or Kevin Keegan or Rafa Benitez thought when managing us. I actually like a lot of our players, they graft and they can defend very well and generally are a likeable bunch. But this aiming for survival is draining and honestly drains the fun from the game. Enjoy the win, I did because fuck Chelsea and I’m glad for the players.
  14. 10 points
  15. 10 points
  16. 10 points
    Let me see you just shit on the seat with me, just shit on the seat with me (shit with me) Just shit with me c'mon Let me see you just cheer a nonce with me, just cheer a nonce with me (nonce. nonce, nonce) Just cheer a nonce with me c'mon Let me see you get beat at Wembo with me, get beat at Wembo with me (get beat with me) Get beat at Wembo with me c'mon And make your giro work Now go to the local chicken shop (uh huh huh ha)
  17. 10 points
    Here come the MiB Paedophile defenders Here come the MiB They won't let you remember...
  18. 10 points
    That's ok, no cunt from outside this area has any clue who mackems are.
  19. 10 points
    Nobody is being childish, it's too risky with you around
  20. 10 points
    The phone saying “what’s up long pins can’t wait to feel ur unreal body”
  21. 10 points
    Cancer free. Bring me all the beers!
  22. 10 points
    Saudi Arabia will beheading home soon.
  23. 10 points
    Relegated by Darren Bent who got given absolute pelters as soon as he come on who now plays for the team that they used to beat us with. How's that for instant karma, you scruffy fucking arseholes? Enjoy League One, a division we've never been in. Enjoy watching pub footballers scrap for draws against Oldham in an empty stadium and enjoy your first team playing our reserves, in a competition that nobody at our club will give a jumping fuck about. These last two seasons have been perfect payback for aiding and abetting nonces, stoking a footballing culture of pissheads, hooligans and mercenaries and the collective hubris of a fanbase who couldn't see the forest for the trees. Maybe being two leagues below us might make them realise how fucking little the derby means when your only chance of sniffing the top flight is an away draw to Vicarage Road in the FA Cup. Good riddance.
  24. 9 points
    Does anyone know any decent parking in North London?
  25. 9 points
    That's awful, give him my commiserations. It's shit he's had 2 strokes as well.
  26. 9 points
    that's reiver that is, on loan from penelope cruz. on the 70s he singlehandedly took both the leazes end and the holgate on the same day. even now at the age of 104 he strikes fear in the hearts of their bitter rivals firms, the portsmouth 6.57 crew and the coventry city legion. even jimmy hill's statue trembles. by virtue of being the hardest man on the planet reveir ensures that despite being a destitute, lower mid table 3rd division club, sunderland are still one of the biggest and best loved institutions in the world.
  27. 9 points
  28. 9 points
    Essembee's team of the decade; 1. A. Coward. 2. A. Coward. 3. A. Coward. 4. A. Coward. 5. A. Coward. 6. A. Coward. 7. A. Coward. 8. A. Coward. 9. A. Coward. 10. A. Coward. 11. A. Coward. Sub's: 12. Eleventh. 13. May. 14. Nineteen seventy. Manager. Fulwell End.
  29. 9 points
  30. 9 points
    Roses are red Violets are blue Please vote for Labour Unless you're a Jew
  31. 9 points
    Who would have ever guessed their relationship would end up like this. If only there was some way of noticing that two flashy wankers who bought that club for essentially its own future parachute payments, and came in constantly deflecting any bad news by insulting the rival club two divisions above would turn out to be a pair of complete fucking chancers who would do fucking nothing to back up all their early bluster. Shitty turgid little club, their horrible, backward thinking, relaxed fit acid wash Jean wearing trampy fan base finally got the owners they deserve.
  32. 9 points
    I've done my best to avoid watching games and most of the time im just looking at the end result so I havnt seen much of the shit show on the pitch this season but its about what I expected. I've seen people pointing to 'Rafa had this bad of a start last year' which is an aids infested shit stained comfort blanket to put it politely because Rafa had the ability to turn that around.. if people fail to see the difference between Bruce and Rafa when it comes to digging a side out of deep trouble like that then theres nothing I can tell them that will change their mind. To put this whole situation simply and in my opinion - Rafa was trying to build a house here, but it was built on a base of Ashley supplied quicksand and anytime he made good progress the house would disappear again and again.. all Rafa wanted was to be allowed to build the way he saw fit on a solid base but that was to much to ask. Rafa had the fans watching him build and they all believed he was the man to do it but as quickly as Ashley and the extraterrestrial looking thumb man ruined what Rafa was building they also did so by pissing in the fans mouths. - Bruce is trying to build a sandcastle on the same Ashley supplied quicksand but Bruces bucket has a hole in it and his spade has been melted from him using it to eat dodgy curries over the past 10 years of his career. He does have a couple of nice shiney new buckets as well (Joelinton, ASM ect) however what good are nice new buckets when the fat useless cunt wielding the melted shovel is not even sure which way up the bucket should go, again - hes a fat useless cunt and he wont be able to turn this aroumd. Yes its Tuesday and yes im pissed and yes its not even 5 o'clock yet and yes im sick of football and yes when I was 9 years old Manchester was 80 miles one way and Newcastle was 80 miles the other way and yes I want to punch the fucker in the face who put me on to Newcastle
  33. 9 points
    The owner’s been making people apathetic for years. That was reversed to a degree under Benitez because he had an affinity with the fans and understood what the club meant to the city. He was also able to get the most out of an ordinary set of players and engendered a team spirit. Fans related to and appreciated that. More so with the owner being a weapons grade cunt. That relative feel good factor basically ended for many when Rafa left (and anyone who can’t see who is mostly to blame for his departure must’ve slept through the last 12 years). Then, just to top it off his replacement was Steve fucking Bruce. It’s not really hard to comprehend why that might have been the final straw for lots of us.
  34. 9 points
    I don't think you'll be able to sing very well with Mike Ashley's cock down your throat. Might go a little more like "mmmmmm mmmm mmmm mm mm mmmmmm." Not quite as catchy.
  35. 9 points
    We turned against Peter fucking Beardsley when he became an Ashley arselicker, why in the fuck did this moron think Shola, Carver and Kevin Nolan would be more highly venerated than an actual club legend? Shola is employed by the club now, so he's tainted, and the chuckle bros Carver and Nolan are failed managers in giz-a-job mode so they'll also mouth anything that they think will get them work (not to mention, they probably both correctly reckon that this is the only PL club fucked up enough to consider employing them.) They can all get to fuck. It is impossible to be loyal to NUFC and defend Ashley. Anyone who purports to do so is lying.
  36. 9 points
    He represents Ashley's model in such undiluted shitness that no, he does not deserve any support. Change needs to be forced, he needs to be out of the club because crap, old managers ready for the knacker yard like Pardew, McClaren, Bruce and Carver would never be anywhere near a club that has any hope of progressing and growing whatsoever. They're built-in custodians of clubs circling the drain with no honours or successes to note. They're symptomatic of everything that needs to change in the approach and running of the football club. This is bigger than us fumbling our way to 40 points every year.
  37. 9 points
  38. 9 points
    Lee Ryder didn’t spend his five years of high school dunking Charnley’s head down the shitter to be mugged off with ‘no comment’.
  39. 9 points
    Nigel Farage heart attack... Please please please....
  40. 9 points
    That's it, then. That's it for me. I thought it was canny funny them getting beat by Fleetwood and confirming their non automatic promotion but knowing the goals went in to the Captain Pugwash song is probably my highlight to their season so far, maybe even better than losing a penalty shootout at Wembley.
  41. 9 points
    "Ah ha ha ha Sunderland four Coventry five Ah ha ha ha Coventry fiiiii....iiiii....iiiive"
  42. 9 points
    With its appalling human rights record, awful standard of living and widespread poverty and famine, I can't see how Sunderland would be an attractive choice for your average North Korean fan.
  43. 9 points
    Making a Molester , Season 2 for that Sunderland Netflix special
  44. 9 points
  45. 9 points
    Black Cats on a shirt, Jewles remain still cleaming. That lad shat on his seat His turd remains, still steaming.
  46. 9 points
    The secret diary of Lee Ryder aged 44 and a half 01/10/2018 Alreet diary? Been almost a year since ah was in the kooh i noor restaurant in the bigg market disguised as an Indian waiter in me never ending quest to get the scoops on the high flyers at the cathedral on the hill, St James' park and one Michael Wallace Ashley, all for me loyal puntas who live for their daily NUFC fix. Why bring that up again you might ask? Well, not for the first time in me award winning career ah was going fine dining again to fill mesel up with some scrumpchis, err, scrumptchi, err some lovely NUFC story for me back page in the Ronald Gill. Ah heard off one of me new narks in the NUFC squad that Mike Ashley was tekking rafa and the lads oot for some scran as he was starting to feel the heat from the protests and wanted some good publicity. Me nark, who ah can't name, let on where they'd be, so ah thanked young Jamie, 'Sterrys-in-their-eyes' and hot footed it doon to North Shields Sambucas restaurant with me false tache on and glasses and managed to get a seat near all the squad, Rafa and the Buckinghamshire whale. The waiters handed oot two menus, the proper one and a 3 course special one which was only £3.99 for three courses. Mike piped up, "Rafa, me old Iberian sausage, tell the boys they can have anyfing they want off the £3.99 menu. Anyfing, money's no object!" And ah thought to mesel that must be almost £150 with drinks chucked in! That would've been me weekly wage when the great Sir Bobby was in charge! They'd just finished ordering and the waiter was heading to the kitchen when Jacob Murphy had changed his mind and wanted Spaghetti bolognese instead of a Hawaiian pizza. Ah thought the kid was as decisive on his food as he was with his final ball but when it looked too late Javier Manquillo piped up, "Don't worry, Jacob, I'll intercept him before he gets to the door and tell him what you want!" Manquillo then darted doon the long table, got past Rafa's and Ashley's chairs and was just about to tap the waiter's shoulder when the Italian waiter side stepped him went through the kitchen door and Manquillo crashed onto his arse. Nee wonder we were struggling, ah thought! Ah got a few bits and pieces for me back page, ah wasn't in the best place to hear everything but ah thought ah'd just do a '5 things we learned about a 3 course Italian Toon slap up' and clocked who ate what, when ah noticed what looked like Rafa coaching Joselu at the dining table! Wow! He just doesn't let up and is a fanatic. Ah pretended to gan forra piss so ah could hear his advice to the Spanish hitman. "Please, Joselu, I know it is not your favourite but mike has paid good money for it, can you not finish it?" Matt Ritchie then shouted out that he couldn't finish anything before the unhappy Spaniard striker broke down in tears. Just as things were kicking off Mike diffused the situation by necking a pint, farting loudly, shouting out 'more tea, vicar' and then spewed up in an alcove! He then got out his phone and argued with the owner about getting two for one on his voucher cloud app but Luigi wasn't having it and said it was already on special! Eventually a deal was done and a happy Mike got a further 25% off while the players picked straws to see which three of them would have to come back next week for an hours photo op with sambuca's customers. Ah thought to mesel that yes, he gets stick, but fair play to him for boosting the teams morale with this night oot. Ah just knew the players lapped it up and would now go on a winning run and ah just knew me puntas would be dining out on me 5 star, shit hot Newcastle United craic! Ryder does it again! Lol. Laters.
  47. 9 points
    Club Tropicana (CT remix '18) Let me take you to the place Where membership's Britain's disgrace Blue flag with lots of stars. Where strangers take you by the hand And welcome you to welfare land From beneath their panamas... Bong boldon parties, drinks are free Fun and sunshine, there's enough for everyone. All that's missing is CT But don't worry he's getting some scran! Immigrants and scroungers meet Then cadge a lift in CTs street Watch question time, Theresa May, Diane Abbott, the dopey coon It's cocktail time, a summer's tune A Brexit holiday. Bong boldon parties, drinks are free Fun and sunshine, there's enough for everyone. All that's missing is the CT But don't worry, he's getting some scran! Bong boldon parties, drinks are free Fun and sunshine, there's enough for everyone. All that's missing is CT But don't worry, he's getting some scran! Pack your bags And leave tonight. Take back control Gotta move your feet, don't you miss the flight! Pack your bags And leave tonight. Take back control Gotta move your feet, the EUs shite. Uncool, uncool, uncool, uncool Bong boldon parties, drinks are free Fun and sunshine, there's enough for everyone. All that's missing is CT But don't worry, he's getting some scran! Uncool, uncool, uncool, uncool Uncool, uncool, uncool, uncool...
  48. 9 points
    Mackems and their incredible talent for subtlety
  49. 9 points
    The secret diary of Lee Ryder aged 44 and a half 16/02/2018 The Rise and Fall of the Ryder Empire. Alreet diary? Been a while like. Ah thought mebbeez it was time to knock the entries on the heed, after all, unlike me cutting NUFC analisi, anallysi, err, insights, nee cunt actually read me personal diary apart from me! Anyways, Despite being top dog of the NE media ah wiz getting the impression that some were starting to get a bit starstruck by some of the other, newer kids on the NUFC block. For instance, ah noticed there was a NE press forum thingy to aid the Newcastle foodbank and the cheeky cunts didn't invite yours truly but had a few Johnny come latelys like Caulkin, Edwards, Bird, Hope and even that sly cunt Douglas who said fuck ahl in the canteen aboot it the morning before he went on. They even had mackem split-arse Louise 'Whese keyes are theyse' Taylor before me! Divvent get mad, get even is what they ahl say and the boy Ryder was aboot to do both. Ah noticed things were quieting doon with the takeover which was obviously fucking horrendous news as it was a piece of piss to keep regujita, regerger, err, bringing up the same shite in different ways then gannin for a few swift ones in the Bacchus but ah'd also had a bit of gen from one of me invaluable contacts here at Thomson house, one Mr Eddie Eats and his bloater missus, 'She who must be fed'. He reckoned one of the waiters at the Koh-i-noor let on that a certain Michael James Wallace Ashley had been in on a thorsda neet and said he'd been in sometimes other nights. Fucking jackpot! That's what sets the Knight Ryder apart from the likes of Douglas, the quality of me shit hot contacts, and talking of hot and shit ah was ganna have to take one for the team Ryder and mebbees get a vindaloo to listen to the takeover craic and risk a bit of Gandhi's revenge to get ahead of the competition. Ah got home that neet, got some of me black football boot polish and smeared it ahl ower me face and hoyed a toowel rund me nappa. 'They'll never be able to tell' ah said to mesel as ah headed off for the famous Geordie/Indian restaurant. Ah got there just before opening time, went rund the back door and persuaded the head chef gadgie that ah was a new temp kitchen staff ordered by the owner and he fell for it despite giving iz some strange looks. Ah tried to wash a few dishes and serve the customers waiting for the Shirebrook supremo to walk in and would mutter 'Goodness gracious me, I am standing right here beside myself' now and again to throw everyone off me Geordie scent. Anyways, patience is a virtue in this game as ahl the auld journalist sweats like me good self will tell you and right enough after half an hour in walked the sports direct guru, the fat cockney bastard himself, Mr Mike Ashley with my former top contact, Lee 'Penfold' Charnley. Ah let Gupta gan ower and tek his order whilst ah stood behind him also with my pen and notepad oot pretending to copy the order but really writing doon ahl the NUFC takeover craic which ah just knew me loyal punters would lap the fuck up. Ashley took his mobile out and rang someone. "Oi! Bish! What you up to you old fackin' slag? Hahaha! Listen, put the fackin' cast of 'the only way is essex' on hold and tell Linda Lusardi you're busy washing your fackin' Y fronts! I want you to get back onto talksport and get them on fackin' message, fackin' capice?" Wow! So it was true! Mike really DID like football and was joining in some top soccer debate on the drivetime topic, 'Is Rafa a Spanish whinging cunt?' hosted by Adrian Durham and the fat Yorkshire ex-cricketer, Darren Gough. Ah was desperately writing ahl this doon when in walked the lads from the Seaton Sluice social club on a Leo Sayer! They walked in, pissed as cunts when one of them said to iz, "How! Gunga-Din! Eight pints and eight chicken phals, bonny lad!" Fuck! It was Mala of the not so much 20/20 vision! Ah mumbled something like "Bud, bud, ding ding, certainly wor kid" but ah knew ah was sussed the moment ah said it. "Lee! What the fuck yi deeing you daft cunt?" Shit! Ah had to get oot of there sharpish with my dynamite NUFC info. The head waiter said "I knew you were taking the piss you fucking arsehole!" and chased iz oot through the kitchen and into the back alley and ah spilt a bowl of balti ahl ower me new LeShark jumper. The waiter had iz cornered and fancied his chances but he obviously had nee idea who he was up against. Fucking West Ham, Millwall, Leeds, Man U the lot, nen of them had been able to break the escort to get the better of the Toon army foot soldier Ryder and this cunt wasn't going to either. Ah was aboot to swing a punch but then ah clocked the kids trainers, fucking Lonsdale! The kid was obviously desperate with nowt to lose and ah knew ah didn't have time to do the dance with the lad so ah flicked a bit of balti off me shirt into his eye and pushed past him to get the Metro home and write up tomorrows Ronny Gill back page which would not only satisfy me loyal punters, not only get one over on Caulkin and co, but would mean ah could knock off sharp and have a pint with the lads in the club and fill them in with me never ending Toon exploits! Anyways, things to do, awards to win! Lol! Laters. Ryder and out!
  50. 9 points
    They may possibly know a lot about football in a vacuum but their pure, undistilled hatred for Newcastle United completely blinds them to any kind of objective thinking. Now, these are people with jobs and positions of responsibility - maybe they're a doctor or a lighthouse keeper. These are people with children, tasked with the job of siring a child and instilling them with values that will make them a respectable human being. These are daughters, sons, mothers and fathers; people with their own waking thoughts, neuroses, fears and hopes. Another simple cog in the mystery that is human existence. And I, for my sins, spend a lot of time pondering these grand questions. Why are we here? Why is life this wondrous mystery that we burden with such mundanity? Why are we loaded with a mind that can't switch off, even for a second, as thoughts, emotions, anxieties and disappointments encompass our every living moment? What makes any one human different from another? Is it gender, race, sexual orientation or simply enjoying pineapple on pizza? For me, no matter the answers to those questions, I take one solitary solace. As I run the gamut of inexplicable human emotion in my life, I will never - not once ever - even in my darkest moments, even when fuelled by momentary passion, hatred or spite - be so wrapped up in vile hatred that I could convince myself that Simon Grayson is a better football manager than Rafa Benitez.

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