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Me talking about how I'd be on the front line defending our country in a hypothetical situation: Me when the government actually attempts to draft me:

I remember seeing a post from Ready to Groom when Sam Fender played Glastonbury, one of the Orcs was trying to get 12 people to fill a transit van and get tickets for the next time he plays there and go around ‘windmilling’ anyone wearing black and white and also trying to get to Sam himself. I think the stupid cunt must’ve just watched The Dirty Dozen in his mam’s attic. They’re fuckin ruined man, by any link anyone has with Newcastle….like others have said, I couldn’t give a shiny shite if Steyve Cram and Kate Adie are having a 69 while banging out a top 10 hit. Or any other ‘celebrity’ who is a fan of massive lads…kind of an ironic name for them given their homophobia, but then again they’re thick as pig’s shit and probably don’t even realise…just another desperate stab at having their own identity.

In World War Two the average IQ on Wearside was 26. In 2023 it was 19.

"Whey me bonny, loyal puntaz, it's your favourite knight behind enemy lines reporting on the big one, the actual real live, not make believe or owt, propa I am, escape to victory match in the east of the Ukraine. One of our lads who's a prisoner is meant to be a bit nippy so I'll be watching him. He can be Pele as he's a black lad. The captain of the team is lance corporal Davey Jones from Byker. Ah nearly gave away me cover by standing up in the bushes next to the makeshift pitch and singing 'he's one of our own! He's one of our owwwwn, Lance corporal Jonesy! He's one of our own!' But luckily Ivan wasn't looking in this direction so ah got away with it. Anyways, as much as ah love feeding the voraciuoiu, vorasheses, err hungry appetite of my loyal readers ah'd much rather be out there as ah've got gold plated experience of warfare with the toon army like the time ah stared down those teenage lads going into Charlton's ground back in the day, but the enlisting officer saw through my disguise when ah dressed up like a Geordie shore young dipstick and said ah was only 24. Obviously ah'd have been Rocky had ah got away with the disguise but ah'm fucked if ah'dve went in goal like. So, this is the next best thing. Predictions? 4-1 away win to the POWs. Howay the Allies! Ryder and out!"

*From the shadows* "Are you there, Simon Bird?" "Yes" "You're still a cunt"

Suck it up youths- I’ll be tending my soiled spuds and cabbages as I Dig For Britain whilst you lads get decimated by Russian drones.

Any nuclear strike on wearside would cause untold amounts of improvements.

Mark is gonna have to watch his letterbox now that his new album cover has been spotted by the tramps 😂

Well played, Khajmandoswidanjaman. As Belanov is Ukrainian you do obviously acknowledge the territorial rights of Greater Russia. If not I will have to tell you that Belanov was shite when he played for Gladbach and got arrested for shoplifting, the little bastard.

Won’t be a problem finding someone to lay a cable in that place, though.

FYP

Aye sorry lads

Currently 39 so I think I qualify. I wouldn’t do it though, it would be a war crime cos I’m so nails

If it turns out that this is the image wikiki's architect "accidentally" shared I wouldn't be even the slightest bit surprised tbh.

Live Laugh Love Get Injured

I think you’ll find every single private jet is chartered solely for football purposes and nothing else

Pass me her number mate. p.s. People have said I have an uncanny resemblance to Callum Wilson.

In all honesty I think they focus too much on pandas

It’s all linked. Open your eyes ffs

Who to? Nuns?

Outstanding German. @Isegrimwill be v v proud.

This is like a Fish statistic post. I’ve tried the first two sentences, now I’m skipping it.

it was nineteen.....

One thing is for fucking certain. If I get called up, I'm doing patrols listening to Stan Ridgway's Camouflage on a loop. What a way to go out.

Can clearly only mean one thing. In a first, oil discovered under the old training ground. Club to earn royalty ~500M/year. Plans to move to the new facility will need to be expedited but the royalties should just about cover it.

Aye like me with my chronic lung condition would be any use on the frontline. I might volunteer all the same though, mainly because I live halfway between a nuclear submarine base and massive oil refinery.

Plane nonces are back at it

MLF'dYP

He’s actually a Nazi for founding the NHS because covid is a hoax

The last Moustachioed Socialist in this country saved millions of lives.

Zis zread is fortunately of no concern for me unless I vant to start an invasion.

Suggestions for Wykiki’s mate’s nickname are in the General Chat thread.

You dirty bastard

The mackems will be claiming he's here to turn the screws on a critical journalist rather than to watch the match/discuss emergency plans for transfers.

Howay then, lets have a roll call on the mighty toontastic men ellifgible for conscription, lets say <40 years. Erm.... Dazzler, see above. ❌ Tom, gout, amongst many, many things. ❌ Rayvin, ❌ Andrew, New Zealand ❌ We're fucked lads.

Patience young grasshopper. The takeover happened Oct 7th 2021. That's not even 2 and half years ago. We were 19th, winless, managed by Steve Bruce and we were posting numbers like this; You need to slow your roll.

The decimation of public services and reluctance to restore them IS the biggest issue facing the country. It covers food banks, crime, poverty, housing, welfare, health and the economy.

I don't think you goat needs much encouragement to get got. Your goat is pretty welcoming to the idea of getting got. You goat is a needy fucking whore, is what I'm saying.

I'll condense it Don't listen to Radio 5Live

Dunston wasn’t it? 🤔

😂

It’s Leek and Potato day at the soup kitchen, the Library is shut for “ Yoga When You Have a Tail” classes, and it’s too cold to go for a shit in town, so …

Bruno already plays for us you moron. Seriously, this guy...